Movie Review: Street Fighter The Movie! (1994)

It’s time to right one of life’s biggest wrongs, dating back to when JasonRivera.com was a thing.  Somehow in looking through the entirety of the JasonRivera.com archives there is no existing review possibly the most ridiculous videogame-to-movie transition ever, a movie that ended up being so bad it was actually good, and one of the best “worst films I’ve ever seen.”  I am talking about the silver screen adaptation of “Street Fighter.”  Of course first let’s take a little history lesson to see why this movie (and its failure) was such a big deal in my generation.

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Let me paint the picture for those of you who aren’t in the know (and shame on you for not being born in the era I was born in, because you missed out).  Street Fighter II was the iconic fighting game of my generation.  Published by Capcom in 1991, back when videogame arcades were a “thing,” Street Fighter II changed the entire face of fighting games.  Any fighting game that came after Street Fighter II, whether it’s Tekken, Dead or Alive, or Mortal Kombat has looked to Street Fighter II as the standard-bearer, as the inspiration.

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Street Fighter II was a phenomenon in the 1990s.  It wasn’t just video game arcades that held it.  Every Laundromat, Movie Theater, Videotape Rental Store (this is before Netflix), Pizza Place, Corner Shop, and hell, probably even a few prisons and funeral homes had a Street Fighter II arcade machine somewhere within so that someone could waste quarters playing it.

Street Fighter II - putting the FUN back in FUNeral.

Street Fighter II - putting the FUN back in FUNeral.

Every kid in the 1990s was about Street Fighter II.  There was no other game like it and (at the time) no home console could handle it.  You had to actually go out with your friends, find a Street Fighter II machine (hopefully with two functioning joysticks), and play with your friends in something called “public.” It was a great time… except when you lost, since you’d get so mad at your friend you might actually punch him in the face for using cheap moves (back then you could punch your friends in the face and it wasn’t a big deal; you’d just not talk to each other for 2-3 days then you’d be cool again).  

If you were a child of the 1990s and your parents didn't buy you this game it was proof they didn't love you and you were an accident.

If you were a child of the 1990s and your parents didn't buy you this game it was proof they didn't love you and you were an accident.

Capcom new how to make children into their puppets on strings.  When Street Fighter II came out on the Super NES and Sega Genesis, we were overjoyed.  Finally we could take the experience home.  Capcom, however, wasn’t done with us.  They upgraded the Arcade version of the game to “Champion’s Edition” making Balrog, Vega, Sagat, and M. Bison (four previously unplayable boss characters) playable for the first time, and allowing two players to choose the same character (this wasn’t the norm in video games at the time).  Capcom had created a digital form of crack-cocaine, and every kid, at least every kid in New York City was hooked.  It only made sense that marketing Street Fighter to the point of parental nausea was going to happen, and the culmination of that was the announcement of a movie.

How did he do that without hurting his penis?

How did he do that without hurting his penis?

Sweetening the pot was the fact that we were told Jean-Claude Van Damme, martial arts mega-star would be in the film.  He was a God to us in the 1990s because he could do splits and spin kick the crap out of people!  We jumped to the conclusion: “He was definitely going to be Ryu, this will be great!”


…then we found out he was playing Guile and it ALL went downhill from there. 

The "M" in "M. Bison" clearly stands for "mamushka."

The "M" in "M. Bison" clearly stands for "mamushka."

We found out that Raul Julia was also cast as M. Bison and were bewildered at why exactly the old man who played Gomez Addams was going to be playing the most intimidating, frightening presence in video games (as a child M. Bison’s cheap moves actually scared the crap out of you, especially if you had no quarters left or others waiting in line; someone could literally call “next,” defeat M. Bison and steal all your glory, not to mention if they picked a different character you had to see THAT character’s ending).   Suddenly what sounded like a good idea became ruined by Hollywood’s idea of “Americanizing” a very Japanese concept.  Instead of a martial arts film we were going to get a very cheesy war movie because somebody thought “those stupid kids will watch anything with the Street Fighter name on it.”  And they were actually right.  No matter how bad it was we had to see it “just to see how bad they’d ruin it.” 

At the time it wasn’t funny to us at all.  In fact the movie was so bad that Raul Julia died right before the film came out in the theaters, probably to spare himself the embarrassment of having to see himself on the big screen wearing the M. Bison costume.  However, with age comes wisdom, and the ability to laugh at not only your mistakes but the mistakes of others.  Somehow this movie which was a slap in the face when I was 14, is now one of my favorite comedy films as an adult with its over-the-top bad acting, crappy dialogue, ridiculous costumes and horrible bastardization of the Street Fighter universe.

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Now you may take the journey with me through this 90 minutes of complete and utter ridiculousness, as I compare the movie and the actual Street Fighter series, so that you can laugh, cry, cringe, and face-palm your way through this article.

This is everything wrong about video game movies and everything right about regret all in one go.  If for some reason you want to own your own copy, I suggest you CLICK HERE and buy Street Fighter on Amazon – even if you don’t buy the movie, click that link, find something to buy you do like, and help the site out. Anything ordered through that link once you get to Amazon helps out this site.

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Our film opens up with a horrible wannabe-CNN “breaking news” type of deal called “Crisis in Shadaloo.”

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IN THE GAME, Shadaloo is a criminal organization involved in illegal activity all over the world.  With spies and infiltrators in every country, M. Bison, the leader of Shadaloo is on top of everything. In fact the Street Fighter tournament exists so that M. Bison can recruit the strongest fighters into Shadaloo – whether they want to or not.

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IN THE MOVIE:  Shadaloo is an ENTIRE COUNTRY that is war-torn, and battle ravaged with M. Bison as its dictator.  General activities of Shadaloo remain the same, however they are under attack from the Allied Nations (a bootleg United Nations) forces trying to free the country.  Shadaloo is basically every 3rd world Asian country ever rolled into one.

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The news report is brought to us by Chun-Li Zang (portrayed by Ming-Na Wen), who is telling us all about the corruption in Shadaloo.

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IN THE GAME: Chun-Li (no Zang), was the first female fighter introduced in the series with giant man-killing legs, an expert of Chinese martial arts that entered the tournament to kill M. Bison for the death of her father.  She also works for Interpol as opposed to a news reporter.

It feels like the only qualification requirement for casting “Chun Li” was “Is she Asian?” because when I think of a woman who touts herself as “the strongest women in the world” I’m not really thinking Ming-Na, here. 

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Jesus Christ, Raul Julia looks ridiculous as M. Bison… and also pretty awesome.  Where can I get an M. Bison costume like that?  I wonder how Raul managed to look at himself in the mirror in the Bison costume and not laugh himself to death… oh wait.

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I love the fact that the person who put the M. Bison costume together got special mention in the credits as if everybody watching knew that the M. Bison outfit was probably the most expensive part of this entire film. 


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In all seriousness, if it were socially acceptable I would buy that costume and wear it everywhere.  M. Bison has just kidnapped many innocent civilians and is ransoming them for 20 Billion dollars USD.  The captives are being roughed up by Shadaloo forces who all dress like a ridiculous cross between Star Wars Stormtroopers and G.I. Joe Cobra Troopers.  Among M. Bison’s forces is Zangief, another one of our major characters.

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IN THE GAME:  Zangief is the strongest wrestler in Russia (or the USSR depending on which version of Street Fighter you are playing).  He wrestles bears to test his strength, drinks a lot, and Capcom even had Zangief come out as a homosexual at some point.  That’s pretty much it.

IN THE MOVIE:  Zangief is basically just a moron who works for M. Bison.  I will give it to the film that Zangief physically looks the most like his video-game counterpart.

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Isn’t this guy kind of fat to be field soldier?  M. Bison demands this fat soldier fight him in one on one combat.  Bison breaks his neck in less than 2 seconds.  There is probably no more humiliating way to die than having your neck broken by Gomez Addams but props to Bison for even being able to find that fat guy’s neck to do so.  Bison continues to break necks until he sees Colonel William F. Guile on the screen being interviewed by Chun-Li.

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IN THE GAME:  Guile left the military to go home and be a family man to his wife and daughters but re-enters the combat life when he finds out M. Bison is still alive, a man who tortured his best friend Charlie to death.  Guile is white, American, and has the absolute best stage music ever created.

GUILE'S THEME: GOES WITH EVERYTHING.

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IN THE MOVIE:  Somehow Guile, the most American man ever, is now played by Jean-Claude Van Damme making him Austrian for no apparent reason whatsoever.  Also rather than just have Jean-Claude dye his hair straight up blonde, or not dye it at all, the team responsible for Street Fighter the Movie thought it would be funnier to base Guile in the movie on one of the ugliest color-schemes you can play as Guile in:  with Tang Orange hair and a bad tan.  In the movie, Guile is a Colonel and the protagonist even though the Street Fighter series in all its native media has Guile as a secondary character behind Ryu. Why was this done?  BECAUSE MURICA.

The only thing that might have been WORSE than the movie.

The only thing that might have been WORSE than the movie.

In fact, marketing for Street Fighter would get even worse with its “MURICA” stance, creating a spin-off cartoon more based on the movie than the video-games and many action figures that for a hand-to-hand combat videogame, were strangely armed with guns and other firearms.  Somebody had the bright idea that they could spin “Street Fighter” into the “2nd coming of G.I. Joe” in the United States. 


Why does a guy with BOXING GLOVES need to also wield an AK-47?  And why does Guile come in both "videogame" and "metrosexual" versions of himself?  Why does Chun-Li have broader shoulders than the men?  What the hell is this?

Why does a guy with BOXING GLOVES need to also wield an AK-47?  And why does Guile come in both "videogame" and "metrosexual" versions of himself?  Why does Chun-Li have broader shoulders than the men?  What the hell is this?

That same “somebody” is probably unemployed, living under a bridge, and performing fellatio for half a can of beans somewhere.  Back to the movie, Guile doesn’t want to talk to the media.  He wants to talk to “THAT BASTARD BISON” and causes M. Bison to get mad and hack the satellite feed so that they can cut wrestling promos against each other in real time.   It’s all a plan by Guile to try to track Bison’s location, as is told to us by DeeJay, also under the employ of Bison.

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IN THE GAME:  DeeJay is basically just a guy who likes to fight and have a good time.  He’s also a Jamaican DJ.

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IN THE MOVIE:  DeeJay is a greedy computer nerd who works for the evil M. Bison.   Bison tells Guile he knows what he is up to and if he does not get the money within 3 days he will kill all the hostages.  This leads to all the soldiers saluting M. Bison not unlike a Hitler salute.  Guile swears to “Charlie” we are coming.

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IN THE GAME:  Charlie Nash appears in various Street Fighter prequels.  He looks and fights similar to Guile only slightly more homosexual looking.   He was murdered by M. Bison (in at least 3 games, making him the equivalent of Kenny from South Park; if Charlie is in a game, he is probably going to die at the end of the game).

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IN THE MOVIE:  Charlie Nash is “Carlos Blanka” – he is Brazilian with no explanation so that we can merge the storylines of Charlie and “Blanka” into one guy.

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IN THE GAME:  Blanka is a mutated freak living in Brazil whose real name is Jimmy.  He is able to control electricity and has lived in the jungle ever since a plane crash forced him into the wilds as a baby. There’s no actual explanation for why the hell his skin is green.  Maybe his mother smoked a lot of crack while pregnant with him. 


M. Bison has Charlie taken to the lab where we can rest assured he will likely end up like Blanka’s video-game counterpart. 

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Cammy and Thunder Hawk regretfully inform Guile they didn’t get a trace on Bison. 

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IN THE GAME:  Cammy has amnesia, initially started out working for Bison, changes sides, and works for British Intelligence.  She also wears a leotard with her ass hanging out of it the entire time which made her a favorite among male horny nerd fans (including myself, as Cammy is one of my top characters).

This view would have made her a more accurate Cammy.

This view would have made her a more accurate Cammy.

IN THE MOVIES:  Cammy is portrayed by Kylie Minogue who didn’t have pics of her ass hanging out anywhere until many, many years after Cammy’s existence.  Remember that one song that Kylie came out with that got way too much radio play?  You couldn’t go to a gym without that song playing at least 3 times in an hour.  All I could think about is “her Cammy was sub-par in that movie” for years.

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IN THE GAME:  Thunder Hawk is basically just a big angry Native American guy.  He doesn’t like Shadaloo very much because his sister got kidnapped by them but generally he has no military training or alliances with Guile or Cammy.  He also dresses 100% like a Native American stereotype (which for some reason was very popular in fighting games around the time he was created). 

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I think if I were to combine T. Hawk and Cammy I’d get Mercedes Justine.

IN THE MOVIE:  He’s much smaller than the game T-Hawk and has a band aid on his head the entire film.  He does nothing of note.

Guile insults Chun-Li implying it’s her fault the Allied Nations didn’t get a trace and says for a minute she was ALMOST useful.  This contradicts the Street Fighter series where Chun-Li and Guile are allies and respected friends who both want M. Bison out of the picture for similar personal reasons.  Chun-Li asks Cammy if Guile’s problem is with women, and Cammy basically implies she got on her knees for Guile by saying “no he just doesn’t like journalists” and smiling a lot.  Looks like the family man let the family loose inside Cammy’s anus.

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Enter Ryu and Ken, the main characters of the actual Street Fighter:  reduced to hustling for money.  They basically got turned into myself and Johnny Landin, only not near as charismatic or interesting.  I feel really sorry for these guys.

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IN THE GAME:  Ryu and Ken are students of Gouken, both trained in the same martial art.  Ken is rich and wealthy and somewhat spoiled whereas Ryu’s an orphan with nothing.  Their master is killed and Ken goes back to America where he gets engaged to a hot chick and continues having money.  Ryu seeks battle hoping to one day find his master’s killer, however he is also slowly starting down the same path as that killer (Gouki/Akuma).  Ryu and Ken are still best friends but they don’t see each other all that often and they certainly aren’t small-time hustlers trying to make a buck. 

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The men arrive to an underground fighting ring just in time to see Vega defeat someone inside a cage.  This is somewhat accurate as Vega is basically just a sociopathic fighter anyway in both the movie and film.  However, in the videogame he is directly affiliated with Shadaloo.  I admit the Vega mask is done to perfection.  Vega is one of the only characters that has virtually no differences from his video-game counterpart.  He’s more sociopathic in the games, however.

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Ryu and Ken are attempting to negotiate a business deal with Sagat.  He offers them drinks and sluts and they decline both… okay, maybe they’re not like Landin and I at all.  I would have taken the sluts and nailed them right in front of Sagat without giving a damn.  Ryu and Ken are trying to sell Sagat guns for about 100,000.  If we’re not in America why is everyone so intent on getting American money? 

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IN THE GAME:  Sagat is the “King of Muy Thai” and a deadly fighter.  He was defeated AND disfigured by Ryu in the first Street Fighter tournament when the evil inside Ryu took over, scarring Sagat across the chest.  Sagat joins Shadaloo in an alliance of convenience hoping to find Ryu and defeat him to avenge the humiliating loss he suffered.

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IN THE MOVIE:  Sagat is a petty arms dealer who has never even met Ryu until right now.  He’s old, he’s tired, and he is no longer a fighter.  Generally any sort of honor Sagat had in the games has given way to just being a ugly bald guy with an eye-patch. 


Sagat tells Ryu and Ken he already knows where the weapons are.  He further reveals that Ryu and Ken tried to sell him NERF guns and not actual weaponry. 

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Why the hell if we’re in an Asian cesspool are there so many white people?  Ryu and Ken try to fight their way out of the club and away from Sagat and his thugs.  They are eventually overtaken when Sagat’s men bring out actual guns.  We now cue to Dhalsim, a hostage inside M. Bison’s lab.

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IN THE GAME:  Dhalism is an Indian guy trying to fight for the honor of his country and Yoga.  He is known for his ability to spit fire and stretch his limbs long distances.  Imagine what he can do with his penis, eh?

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IN THE MOVIE:  Dhalsim has hair, sits chained to a chair, and is a doctor.  I’m surprised they didn’t automatically assign him “Patel” as a last name.  Bison makes Dhalism perform experiments to try to create the perfect killing machine out of Blanka.  Bison tells Dhalsim after he helps him take over the world they will see about finally getting Dhalsim published.  The experiment seems to involve pumping Blanka full of both radioactive waste and steroids while forcing him to watch violent television involving women being set on fire, riots, and the Nazis.  This is the same experiment that created Johnny Landin.  He screams while watching this but M. Bison dismisses it as “merely educational software.”  Raul Julia’s lines and classic overacting manage to save this otherwise awful movie due to the fact he treats it as if he’s trying to deliver an award-winning performance.  I can’t help but laugh at his attitude through the entire movie.

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 These guys are basically just gonna dye his hair red and bleach his skin green.  No big deal to me.  Back at Sagat’s place, he’s forcing Ryu to fight Vega while Ken watches.  Ken remarks on Vega’s popularity and Sagat informs Ken that Vega is “the greatest cage fighter since Iron Fist… he retired and became ME.”  I can’t help but laugh at some more cheesy dialogue here.  Sagat also informs Ken he fights next.  As they’re about to fight Guile busts down the entire place with a tank and arrests everyone for violating the 7 PM curfew which is on the entire country. What a dick. 

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 This is Captain Sawada.  He is not in the Street Fighter games at all and apparently the film’s makers were so impressed with his audition they created a new character just to have him in, likely at the expense of Fei Long and Akuma, the only 2 Street Fighter characters who do not appear.  Maybe those two are just the lucky ones.  Everything Sawada says sounds like a bad dub as the military forces try to figure out how to take out M. Bison.  A caterer at the meeting turns out to be an assassin of Sagat’s but gets his ass roundhouse kicked by Guile and disposed of. 

 

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Sagat is now imprisoned with his bitch Vega.  He wants revenge on Ryu and Ken for getting him jailed.  Meanwhile Guile deduces that Sagat and Vega are in cahoots and if he can get someone to infiltrate Sagat’s gang they can lead them to Bison.  Guile watches the prison fight and decides Ken and Ryu are just what he needs. Guile throws a pity party and essentially forces Ryu and Ken to watch his rendition of a UNICEF commercial with Alyssa Milano in it to acquire their aid in the fight against Bison. Sagat and company are being taken away.  Sagat informs Guile he OWNS this city to which Guile responds with “Well I am the Repo Man and you’re out of business.”  That’s already a really stupid line on its own.  Now throw Jean-Claude’s accent on that.  It sounds like “Will I Am. De Repo Men. And you’re out of bee’s nest.”All you really get out of it is that Jean Claude is not a fan of Will I Am, the Repo Man, or bees. You have to wonder what kind of idiot decided casting an Austrian who cannot do an American accent to save his life was a good idea.  Van Damme’s career would continue to sink into hell after this film, by the way – and part of me feels like it was justified.  Ryu and Ken stage a fight and stage a theft of the guard’s handcuffs to gain Sagat’s trust.  This leads to the group fleeing from the prison, and Ken pretending to shoot (and kill) Guile in the resulting melee.  Chun-Li manages to sneak a tracker onto the truck as it passes her by.

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Meanwhile M. Bison shows everyone his idea for a perfect world with his perfect city: BISONOPOLIS.  Bison instructs his henchmen he believes the food court should be larger.  This is so over-the-top ridiculous that you can’t help but laugh no matter how poor the rest of the film might be.  M. Bison then gets the report that Guile has been killed.  M. Bison is actually not happy about the news and gives one of the best speeches I’ve heard in a bad film, EVER:

 

“ I was hoping to face Guile personally on the battlefield, one gentleman warrior to another in respectful combat, then I would snap his spine!  Ah-- the road not taken.  But why… why do they still call me a warlord?  And mad?  All I want to do is to create the perfect genetic solider!  Not for power, not for evil… but for good!  Carlos Blanka will be the first of many.  They shall march out of my laboratory and sweep away every adversary, every creed, every nation until the very planet is in the loving grip of the Pax Bisonica.  And then peace will reign in the world and all humanity shall bow to me in humble gratitude.”

 

Zangief, with tears in his eyes remarks “That was beautiful.”  …and with that monologue the movie has somehow been saved from being completely irredeemable.  He killed it in this film.  Sadly by “it” I mean himself.  Chun-Li and her ridiculous associates who are revealed to be Balrog and Edmond Honda are now on the trail of M. Bison.

“ I was hoping to face Guile personally on the battlefield, one gentleman warrior to another in respectful combat, then I would snap his spine!  Ah-- the road not taken.  But why… why do they still call me a warlord?  And mad?  All I want to do is to create the perfect genetic solider!  Not for power, not for evil… but for good!  Carlos Blanka will be the first of many.  They shall march out of my laboratory and sweep away every adversary, every creed, every nation until the very planet is in the loving grip of the Pax Bisonica.  And then peace will reign in the world and all humanity shall bow to me in humble gratitude.”

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Zangief, with tears in his eyes remarks “That was beautiful.”  …and with that monologue the movie has somehow been saved from being completely irredeemable.  He killed it in this film.  Sadly by “it” I mean himself.  Chun-Li and her ridiculous associates who are revealed to be Balrog and Edmond Honda are now on the trail of M. Bison.

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IN THE GAME:  Balrog is a greedy, money-hungry dumb-as-rocks boxer who was banned for life after some sort of lewd conduct (he is based on Mike Tyson; draw your own conclusions).  He works for Shadaloo to “GET PAID.”  Most of his win poses involve saying “I GOT PAID.” 

There is even an ending in Street Fighter IV where Balrog takes a little boy away to do god-only-knows-what. The guy is a total psycho.

IN THE MOVIE:  He hangs out with Chun-Li, is a friendly black guy, and blames Shadaloo for all his problems.

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IN THE GAME:  E. Honda is a happy Japanese sumo guy who wants to prove Sumo is the strongest style in the world.  He’s relatively friendly to other fighters from Japan such as Ryu. 


IN THE MOVIE:  E. Honda is Hawaiian, jolly, and blames Shadaloo for all his problems.

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Ugh… moments like this are the ones that make me hate this film.  Chun-Li figures it out that there are two signals in the truck and that means someone else is tracking Sagat’s movements.  Chun-Li dresses like a giant black condom and decides to infiltrate the Allied Nations building to find out who is playing games with them.  Chun-Li’s snooping allows her to find out Guile is alive and well and faked his death to get the jump on Bison and so that Ken could gain Sagat’s trust.  Guile catches Chun-Li in the act and has her arrested.  She tells him she wants M. Bison’s head.  Not sure if she wants Bison killed or wants to suck his dick.  Guile won’t let anyone get in the way of his vendetta.  Chun-Li easily escapes Cammy and T. Hawk who look like complete incompetents as a result of this.  Meanwhile Sagat, Ryu, Ken, and Vega are at some kind of bazaar selling illegal weaponry to M. Bison.


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Balrog, Chun-Li and Honda are disguised as circus performers in an attempt to get closer to Bison and be rid of him.  They initially wanted to blow Sagat and Bison up but are unwilling to kill Ryu and Ken to do so, and have to backtrack.

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M. Bison is very enticed by their magic act.  Or by Asian pussy.  One or the other.  After the trio leave, a bunch of dancing women come in and DeeJay being a typical black male begins to have dirty interracial sex fantasies about them.

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BOOTY HAD ME LIKE…


Meanwhile Sagat and Bison are ready to talk business.  Ken sees something he likes and pursues Chun-Li because he thinks she’s into him.  This is her chance to lure Ken and Ryu away.  M. Bison tells Sagat he’d love to share the country with him once the war is over.  Sagat says he’s open to it after the war is over and we see how much of the country is left so he’d rather see the color of Bison’s money for the time being.  M. Bison reveals BISON MONEY.

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This is the greatest currency ever.  Forget Bitcoin.  Forget Swiss banks.  PayPal.  Nothing compares to the concept of the BISON DOLLAR.  I feel like the entire world, maybe even the universe should switch from green money to slightly-red money with Raul Julia’s photo on it.  Only then can there be economic utopia.  Bison informs Sagat that “every Bison dollar will be worth five British pounds. That is the exchange rate the Bank of England will set once M. Bison kidnaps their queen.” Meanwhile Balrog and Honda explain their stories to Ryu and Ken (which makes no sense as I’m not really sure why a war in a country nobody cares about would ruin their boxing and sumo careers).  Ryu and Ken are set free and told to stay out the way and almost end up right in the middle of the war between Bison and Sagat.  They tip them off to save their own asses and everyone just narrowly evades getting blown up. 

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I admit while she doesn’t make a good Chun-LI there are some points where I’d probably bust a few loads on Ming-Na Wen.  Bison and Sagat are back on the same page, Ryu and Ken are being given the luxury treatment, and Balrog and Honda are to be interrogated while Chun-Li is brought to M. Bison’s bedroom for good ol’ fashioned coitus.  Chun-Li responds by spitting on Ken.  She’s gonna be swallowing Bison later though!  Guile meanwhile hatches his plan to take out Bison via boat with stealth ships.  This is basically just a scene for Sawada to say some more badly dubbed lines. 

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A really overjoyed potentially gay guy begins beating E. Honda with a whip but Honda does not respond to pain.  This is just a comic relief portion where Balrog makes cheesy jokes about food.  They manage to find a way to get out.

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Meanwhile Ryu and Ken finally wear clothing that looks similar to their Street Fighter videogame counterparts.  Zangief explains that they are the good guys and the Allied Nations are the tyrants.  Ryu and Ken split up once Zangief goes away to try to find a way to help the hostages.  Guile meanwhile is ready to carry out this attack…

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…but this little British guy informs him they’ve decided to give into Bison’s ransom demand and everyone can go home.  Guile is infuriated by this and says the little man in the suit has lost his balls (although he probably didn’t have any to begin with).

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Van Damme then attempts to match Raul Julia’s level of awesome with a monologue of his own.  It just sounds like a jumbled mess of crap which ends in “WHO WANTS TO GO HOME, AND WHO WANTS TO GO WITH ME?”  Everyone disobeys direct orders and decides to go after M. Bison.

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AND HERE IS M. BISON RIDING A HORSE. FOR NO REASON.

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Now it’s Chun-Li’s turn to finally wear her in-game attire.  Ming-Na Wen actually looked hotter a few scenes ago in all black than in the Chun-Li costume.  The Chun-Li costume is hot in theory but seeing it here in application I’m completely flaccid. Chun-Li explains her story about how M. Bison killed her father in a raid on her little Chinese village.  M. Bison had her father shot as he retreated which leads to the line that sums up all of Street Fighter the movie – so good I had to put the YouTube clip right in it:

FOR YOU THE DAY BISON GRACED YOUR VILLAGE WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF YOUR LIFE.  BUT FOR ME?  IT WAS TUESDAY.  Chun-Li looks on with awe and horror.  Meanwhile Ryu and Ken come to spring Honda and Balrog out but they were already sprung and begin choking Ryu and Ken before realizing they are on the same side.  Bison turns on some sexy music as Chun-Li continues her story nobody cares about.

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Here is M. Bison as a clown. 

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I found it more important than anything Chun-Li is saying. Chun-Li breaks the handcuffs that have her bound instead of giving M. Bison a sexy time, and she yells Chun-Li’s trademark “Yatta!” (which means “I did it” which makes no sense in this context for this scene) then attacks Bison.  She actually beats the crap out of him but unfortunately a distraction from the oh-so-incompetent good guys allows M. Bison to escape.  Bison escapes to his own personal panic room and gasses all of the good guys because no villain is complete without the ability to gas his enemies in the time of a crisis, just ask Hitler. 

At this point Raul Julia’s amused facial expressions as he watches his enemies gassed really sell the M. Bison character.

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Bison has a better orgasm than he would have achieved making a sexy time with Chun-Li.  Meanwhile Jean Claude Van Damme continues to play G.I. Joke and I am relatively sure that all this crap were plans to release some Street Fighter Action Figure boats.  Guile, Cammy and T. Hawk now all have a little cruise with some stupid music playing and a montage of Guile and Carlos Blanka hanging out. Meanwhile let's see what Blanka is doing...

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This is just ridiculous.  We are told Blanka had a 71% increase in muscle mass.  If that’s true what was he before he went in there? 24 lbs.?  While nobody is looking Dhalsim changes the videos Blanka is watching from death, and murder, and Chris Benoit wrestling matches to puppies and Martin Luther King speeches, and weddings and babies and dolphins.  This means that Blanka’s mind is 49% disturbed and 51% peaceful and 100% full of shit. Bison meanwhile tries to blow Guile out of the water with many gun turrets.  You would think that Bison would use a missile or something that would blow him up.  Guile says “this is the collection agency and your ass is six months overdue.”  Sagat is shocked and infuriated that Guile is still alive and M. Bison mocks Sagat for being UNABLE to SEE THAT.

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 I GUESS YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT, DID YOU?  If this happened in 2014 some interest group full of people with eyepatches would have forced Raul Julia to apologize.  And don’t worry about the oversight of him being dead; they’d hold a séance and make his ghost do it.

 

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M. Bison uses two Street Fighter II controllers in an attempt to blow Guile up.  Guile, Hawk and Cammy escape but Bison blows up the ship just so he can continue to recite ridiculous lines.

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GAME… OVER!!!  It felt like every video game movie tried to find a way to incorporate “Game over” into the dialogue and it’s just as unnecessary in all the rest of them as it is right here.  If you’re a script writer for these things and you think that writing “GAME OVER” into the dialogue for any video game to film adaptation is witty, please stop. Stop writing. Stop breathing. Stop living.  Stop existing.

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Meanwhile Dhalsim is making sure that Blanka learns about Black Gay Sex meaning that he’ll be sure to vote for Obama and complain about anything on social networking remotely considered “offensive” when he gets out of here.  One of Bison’s other scientists catches Dhalsim in the act and is about to kill him but the ensuing fight releases Blanka who attacks.

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The fact that this movie came out in the 1990s and the Blanka effects are actually lower budget than Lou Ferigno’s role in The Incredible Hulk television series is absolutely ridiculous.  Hell, the fact they turned Blanka into a deliberate Incredible Hulk knock-off is pretty bad in and of itself.

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Meanwhile Cammy, T. Hawk and Guile continue their assault.  Cammy yells THRUST KICK! For no reason during this assault which is pretty ridiculous when she didn’t even do the move.  Hell, it’d be ridiculous even if she did.  Also I have to wonder how not one enemy soldier has thought to use the guns they are armed to the teeth with to shoot any of these people.  Guile makes his way through the complex while M. Bison is infuriated his deadline for the hostage ransom has not been met.  Guile manages to find his way into the laboratory where Blanka awaits.

 

Guile finds what’s become of Charlie and plans to put Blanka out of his misery claiming this is his way of “helping” him before he gets revenge on Bison for what he’s done here.  Dhalsim who suddenly stops Guile claiming he “has no right.”  Bison gives the hostages a speech about how he’s going to have them all killed by the ultimate soldier unaware of what is going on in the lab.  The pod springs up to reveal Guile ready to fight.  Chaos ensues after Guile jump kicks Bison and closes the doors to the hostage chamber, protecting them from gunfire.  Everything just becomes a big blurry mess of hastily-put together, poorly executed action scenes. 

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Zangief and Honda end up wrestling all throughout the complex in some sort of ridiculous homage to Godzilla monster movies. 

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Sagat and Vega want revenge on Ryu and Ken.

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Cammy with her eyes half-closed and a pistol is taking out a half dozen guys armed with AK-47s.  Okay then.

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Balrog is knocking out guys with full helmets with his hands open.  Must be a new kind of boxing called “slap fighting.”

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An army of guys dressed like Mega Man is storming the complex.

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M. Bison creams his pants while having a heart-felt conversation with DeeJay who sneaks away to find something to steal like the dirty little bastard he is.

 

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Guile finds himself face to face with M. Bison for the final showdown.  M. Bison challenges Guile to unarmed combat.  He then hits his victory phrase “Are you man enough to fight with me” as Bison hits his own “anyone who opposes me will be destroyed.”  Everyone is afraid of what M. Bison might do to Guile which is hilarious considering in real life Van Damme could have taken Julia out in a single shot.  Suddenly it occurs to me the only reason that Van Damme was even cast as Guile is because he’s the only guy on earth any of these losers in charge of this film knew could throw the Guile Flash Kick.  M. Bison seems to be defeated as he is being electrocuted but his suit begins activating a life support function.

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If only the suit could actually do that, Raul Julia would still be with us. 

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Bison is back up and reveals his powers as the Dark Lord of the Sith.

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While all this is going on DeeJay is being a stereotypical black man and engaging in all that looting.  Maybe he can afford a decent haircut with the money he is stealing.  Ken is also looting, typical to the 50% of him that (in this movie) is Hispanic.  He looks for an exit but sees that Sagat and Vega are going to ambush Ryu and suddenly feels bad for abandoning his friend.  He has no choice but to go help.  Back in the main chamber Bison shows that he now has the power to fly and begins doing his ridiculous video game moves such as the psycho crusher.  M. Bison says that instead of finding a madman Guile has found… A GOD.  Classic Raul Julia lines get spouted as he continues to kick Van Damme’s ass.  Meanwhile in the basement Ken and Ryu are taking on Sagat and Vega.  Ryu even manages to throw… sort of a fireball (but more like he makes the motion for one and the camera glows). Ken throws a standing dragon punch… which really isn’t the move from the game at all – actually it’s just an uppercut.  Ryu and Ken win with Ken realizing that if he hadn’t met Sagat he might have become greedy and soulless like him.  Back to M. Bison who tells Guile that now might be a good time to pray to God – unfortunately all his bragging causes Guile to mount the time to spin-kick him into a wall of televisions seemingly finishing him off for good this time. 

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Everyone begins escaping before the base self-destructs.  Zangief finds out from DeeJay that they are the bad guys, and that he was supposed to get paid.  I almost feel sorry for poor pathetic stupid Zangief.  Zangief redeems himself by saving the hostages while DeeJay and Sagat both manage to escape with the crate of money. 

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Guile tries to convince Charlie they need to escape but he refuses to leave now that he’s become a monster.  Also for some reason Dhalsim is now shirtless and bald, and still in chains making me think that he and Blanka have some weird sexual relationship – ahh, now the fact he showed him black gay people kissing makes sense!  Dhalsim says he will stay with Blanka to atone for what he has done (so that’s what we’re calling it now?).  With the destruction of Bison’s headquarters the war is over and everyone has been arrested. 

 

Sagat and DeeJay open up the crate they believed to have had money, had this.

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THAT’S TEN TIMES BETTER THAN REGULAR MONEY!  The good guys win, the bad guys lose, and Guile spends his time staring at Chun-Li’s ass.

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The complex finally explodes one last time and everyone does their Street Fighter II win poses and so our movie ends.

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This is probably one of the most ridiculous films I’ve ever seen in my life and yet despite all the retardation within the movie it happens to amuse me so in a roundabout way it’s done its job.  Despite the horrible lines, almost non-existent special effects, complete desecration of most of the characters I feel like the biggest saving grace is the man who didn’t make it out of the film alive, Raul Julia’s M. Bison. 

 

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After the credits roll, we see that in the ruins of the complex, M. Bison’s fist raises though the rubble.  Was there going to be a sequel with more cheese, more over-acting, and more ridiculous costumes?  Possibly, so.  However with the passing of Julia we will never know what could have been.  At least Hollywood learned its lesson:  Street Fighter and live-action movies don’t mix.

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…or maybe they didn’t.  And that one had NO redeemable qualities.  But that’s another story for another day, folks.  So if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to jerk off to pictures of Cammy.  Later, everyone!