Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (Jan. 6, 2014)

The more I try to get away from this crap the more I get sucked back in.  If you’re one of my loyal readers, consider yourself lucky because I’ve tried to walk away from doing this recaps gig many, many times only to find myself coming back solely for you people.  Throw me a few dollars in the donation section of this site if you like what I am doing because site space isn’t free and I don’t do this for my health.  Tonight is Old School RAW which can either be really good or a massive disaster.  It’s hard to really do these things when the average fan is like 12 years old and doesn’t remember nor care about the “classic Monday Night RAW.”  My guess is WWE will throw anything against the wall and see if it sticks now that football season is basically over.


We have to get through the last few minutes of NCIS: LA first.  The little old lady creeps me out.  She seems like the type of person who would sneak up on you and put her fingers in your anus just because she’s got creeper skills.


WWE throws an old school logo up and Michael Cole opens up Old School RAW from Baltimore MD welcoming us to the show as Ric Flair’s entrance theme plays. 


I think they only bring Flair out here once a quarter to shock us all by revealing yes, he is in fact still alive.  Flair will always show up to RAW because he has about $3.72 left to his name & two Hall of Fame rings after the divorce.  When Flair dies his ex-wives will remove the fillings from his teeth.  This guy is wrestling’s indentured servant and if you don’t know what that means, look it up.  Nevertheless let’s see what Flair has to say as his accomplishments are pretty legendary and that cannot be denied. 


For some reason Randy Orton is interrupting Ric Flair.  Now if we can get HHH and Batista out here we can have a little party.  Flair looks happy to see Randy Orton, however, and the two embrace.  Flair takes a second to congratulate Orton on becoming the WWE World Heavyweight Champion.  Orton talks about how much respect he has for Flair and how he’s learned so much for Flair as a mentor and cannot thank him enough – BUT – tonight isn’t just about the Hall of Famers, it’s also about Randy Orton who takes this moment to tout himself as the greatest superstar of this generation or any other.  Orton says this is his time, his show, and his ring so because he respects Flair so much he needs to ask Ric to leave the ring because Orton has something he needs to get off his chest.  The crowd doesn’t kike that very much.  Orton explains that he’s not thrilled about having to take on John Cena in a rematch at the Royal Rumble and he doesn’t understand why the WWE makes decisions based on what “you people like.”  Orton goes on to say he shouldn’t have to take on Cena a second time because he has nothing left to prove and he wants the authority to remove the rematch clause.


Ric Flair is still here and decides to explain to Randy that he’s not the man because in Flair’s day you performed 7 days a week every night against the best which is what Flair did for 3 decades.  Flair says that all Randy Orton is doing is crying about the rematch when he should go out there, wrestle the man again and that’s what Flair would have done.  Orton retorts that Flair has had someone watching his back almost the entirety of his career and tells Flair that he is the most overrated superstar in history (basically contradicting all the things he just said about Flair just a few minutes ago).  Orton says that if Flair doesn’t leave Orton’s ring he will not be responsible for what happens next. 


I wonder how drunk Flair is right now.  He drinks so much alcohol it’s like he’s already preserved without embalming.  Flair wants to call Randy Orton an “immature little shit” but tries to find non-curse-words to say because it’s a PG show.  Flair says he wants Randy Orton to grow up and be a man.  Orton threatens to go “old school” on Flair’s ass right now but John Cena makes a bee-line for the ring to save Flair.


We all know John Cena loves dying kids and the elderly because he’s the Boy Scout and the good guy that saves the day.  We are now subject to a Cena promo.  Cena calls Orton a “new level of scumbag.”  Cena now puts over Flair’s 16 title reigns and 2 Hall of Fame rings.  Cena says he wants to fight Orton right now but the champion backs off.


Michael Cole and JBL are commentating and explaining that Jerry Lawler had some health issues and isn’t here tonight.  Maybe it’s an excuse and he just couldn’t find his old school RAW costume.  Who knows?  Who cares?  Now as long as JBL and Michael Cole don’t start trying to sound hip by bringing up “twerking” 4 times an hour we’ll be alright.  They recap the final moments of RAW last week where Daniel Bryan had to run the Wyatt Family gauntlet only to lose to Bray Wyatt and bow to him, requesting to join the Wyatt Family because Bray was “right all along.” 


While some people are infuriated and see this as WWE trying to bury Bryan I see it as a possibility that Bryan uses the Family to win the Royal Rumble and then shows us he’s been pulling the wool over their eyes all along.  I don’t think joining the Wyatt Family is going to hurt Daniel Bryan any and it wasn’t something people saw coming so it keeps this whole thing interesting.   We are told Daniel Bryan will be joining Harper and Rowan against the Usos and Rey Mysterio next.


I hope this makes most of the adult women who watch wrestling feel really creepy that Roman Reigns was 7 years old when RAW first aired.  It probably doesn’t though.


There is something inherently creepy about Daniel Bryan drinking the Kool-Aid and joining the Wyatt Family as he walks among them in the dark wearing a work uniform not unlike Rowen’s gear.  JBL explains that this is simply “if you can’t beat them, join them.” 


You have to admit this creepy Adams Family is a perfect fit.  The crowd chants “NO” in unison to Bryan having become nothing more than one of Bray Wyatt’s playthings.  The Usos and Rey Mysterio look on dumbfounded and a little surprised at this transformation.  I expect the Usos/Mysterio to get destroyed here because they’re not just going to let Bryan lose his first match as part of the Family.  Harper starts off, YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH, and tags in Daniel Bryan to square off with Rey. Bryan is aggressive with Rey who had initially tried to reason with him.  Bray Wyatt enjoys this destructive aggression towards a Mexican.  Rey Mysterio tosses Daniel Bryan through the second rope to the outside.  Daniel Bryan is forced to regroup as we hit commercials so that the USA Network can cram Modern Family down our throats.  We come back and this match has been all-Wyatts although the crowd is still firmly behind Daniel Bryan despite his joining the family.  Bryan tries to tag himself in but so does Luke Harper.  They argue causing Harper to get rolled up by one of the Usos for the pinfall victory.  The faces escape.  This is a shocker because you’d think the Wyatts were sure to win the first Daniel Bryan match.  Bray does not look pleased with Harper.


We’re told the Shield will be talking to Roddy Piper, the only person on this show more drunk than Flair.  Also CM Punk is taking on Roman Reigns tonight in 1 on 1 action.  More commercials ensue.


When we come back the commentary team announces that Batista is officially entered in the Royal Rumble match.  JBL reminds us that Batista won the 2005 Royal Rumble and became the World Heavyweight Champion at Wrestlemania as a result.


We’re told last week Damien Sandow defeated The Great Khali but Khali’s shoulder was up so we’re forced to a rematch.  The WWE fans will have to vote for either Bob Backlund, Arn Anderson or Sgt. Slaughter on the WWE App.  The biggest surprise of this show is finding out that some of these people are still alive.


After the legends leave Corporate Kane is not too pleased with Brad Maddox.  Maddox tries to taunt Maddox into physical violence but Kane knows that per the WWE Human Resource Policy Page 3 threatening to or inflicting harm on Maddox would be grounds for his dismissal. 


Kane says that if he gets because of Brad Maddox he will have to unleash “the monster” which ensures that Brad will never be seen or heard from ever again.  Kane has put Brad in a terrible predicament where he’s likely to be murdered.  I’d be okay with that.  There are too many authority figures around here.


This is like voting for a favorite large object to be shoved up your ass.  More legends such as Nikolai Volkoff, Ted DiBiase and IRS are shown backstage as Big E. Langston walks around with the Intercontinental Title.


That’s probably the Network.  Meanwhile Ryback joins the ringside area to watch Curtis Axel vs. Big E. Langston – a match we’ve seen too many times already.  Big E. Langston is great but Curtis Axel vs. Big E. Langston is getting just a bit repetitive at this point.  I assume this is WWE attempting to usher in Ryback vs. RyBLACK. Langston makes short work of Curtis Axel with the Big Ending. 


How many wins is that against Curtis Axel?  4?  5?  Michael Cole makes sure to remind Ryback he hasn’t won any titles in the WWE yet to further stir the pot.  After another commercial break it is time for Pipers Pit so we can talk about dissention within the Shield.


The Shield interrupts Piper immediately and Ambrose wonders who the hell gave this old man a microphone and tells Piper he should be thankful the Shield wasn’t around in his day or he wouldn’t have made it to 112 years old.  Piper reminds Ambrose he wasn’t given a mic, he took it and this is Piper’s Pit, not Ambrose Alley, so it’s his show.  Piper says the only guy who can match him on the microphone is CM Punk.  That seems to piss Ambrose off a little bit as the crowd chants his name.  Rollins tries to calm Ambrose down and explains to Piper that it’s not 1985 anymore and his psychological tactics don’t work.  He tells Ambrose that Ambrose is a better US Champion than Piper ever was.  Piper’s response is that neither Ambrose or Rollins can beat Punk one on one but Reigns (whom Piper pinches the cheek of) is fighting Punk tonight and tries to tell Reigns if he beats Punk tonight doesn’t that make him better than the other two?  Piper tries to imply Rollins and Ambrose are holding Reigns back.  Reigns says he’ll beat CM Punk tonight but if Piper ever touches him again he will break Piper’s old ass in half. 


The Shield backs Roddy Piper into a corner but CM Punk’s music hits and Punk along with the New Age Outlaws make the save.  It’s going to be really humiliating if Road Dogg and Billy Gunn beat Rollins and Ambrose tonight – which means it will probably happen so that they can all joke that Reigns beat Punk while the others lost to some old men.


Brock Lesnar is here to do something “old school.”  Does that mean he’s going to beat a cripple to death like he did to Zack Gowen?  That was awesome in my opinion. It was in 2005 though.  Does that count as “old school?”  It should because any year where people had a bigger set of balls then they do now in 2014 should be applicable.


Hunico, oh, excuse me, Sin Cara, is out here to fight Alberto Del Rio again because they have no idea what else to do with either of these guys other than “MEXICO FIGHT!”  I enjoy Hunico as the new Sin Cara but what purpose does this serve?  Del Rio wins after a brief match and a kick to the face.  Sin Cara still has two wins over Del Rio and Del Rio still has no direction. 


Alberto Del Rio is angry everyone is talking about Dave Batista and he vows to throw the PERRO over the top rope. Isn’t that animal abuse?  Somebody better tell Sarah McLachlan quickly!  In fact… I’d kind of like to see Del Rio feud with Sarah McLachlan and put her in the cross armbreaker at Wrestlemania. 


Daniel Bryan begins yelling at Rowan and Harper explaining that he came here to be a monster but he could also teach them.  He can teach them how to be the best because he’s been tag team champions with Kane.  He offers to tag with either of them but next week he will team with Bray Wyatt himself. 


It’s racism time!!!  WE… THE PEOPLE!  It’s amazing how over the Real Americans are despite the fact they’re supposed to be heels.  They will take on Cody Rhodes and Goldust – another match we’ve seen all too often.  The highlight of this match is Zeb Colter with a sign that reads “The Best Defense is a Fence” to the WE THE PEPOPLE chant of the audience.  I sort of phase out of existence during this match because I don’t care – I would probably care if it was a tag title match.  But it won’t be, and the sad part is if the Real Americans win, they get a tag title match and I won’t care because I will have ALREADY seen them fight.  It’s a vicious cycle, really.  Cody Rhodes and Goldust win and I fail to give a damn.



Booker T and DDP talk about DDPYoga.  DDP lifts his leg up to pee.  Booker T tries to show DDP that he can do “Booker T Yoga.”  DDP should have just tried to sell the yoga to Booker by telling him that had he been a proponent of yoga he would have been able to have run from the cops faster and not been arrested for armed robbery of a Wendy's establishment.


This leads to a DAMN segment because Booker can barely lift his leg off the floor.  Sometimes I sincerely believe that Ron Simmons has forgotten his entire vocabulary and can ONLY say DAMN.  I look at my clock and it is only 9:40.  How is that possible?  I feel like this has been at least two and a half hours long already.  We come back and Damien Sandow is in the ring to fight the Great Khali.  This is the type of thing that makes me go find something else to do.


And no Ranjin Singh’s return does not make me care about this match.  Nor does Sgt. Slaughter as guest referee.


Oh, and Sandow’s leg was on the bottom rope, meaning we get to have this match again in the very near future.  Adding insult to injury is the fact the commentators manage to find a way to speak "Sgt. Slaughter twerking" into existence.  Damn it, JBL & Michael.  Somebody hates you. Somebody hates me.  Somebody hates all of us.


It’s Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman time.  Heyman and Lesnar are here to correct the people about what “old school” means.  Paul Heyman says that “old school” is not bringing out these legends and giving them a “last hurrah.”  Paul says “old school” is when one man reigns supreme and everyone in the locker room challenges that one man for the right to be THE man.  Heyman brings up the time Sanmartino reigned supreme or the time period where Hogan reigned supreme or the time when Stone Cold Steve Austin reigned supreme.  Heyman adds that whoever reigns supreme at the Royal Rumble whether Cena or Orton will expire at the hands of Brock Lesnar.  Heyman then adds they destroyed Mark Henry and nobody can stand up to Brock Lesnar without ending up a loser.  Paul Heyman says Brock’s life is like his shirt reads, EAT, SLEEP, CONQUER, REPEAT.


You had Mark Henry at EAT. If you say EAT three times Mark Henry has to come, just like Beetlejuice. Mark rushes the ring but gets locked in the Kimura by Brock Lesnar, potentially gets his arm broken. 


Brock rips Mark Henry’s shirt and is about to destroy Mark Henry but Paul Heyman holds Lesnar back from doing any further damage.  Trainers check on Mark Henry.  Maybe they should just put a bullet in in him behind the building and scrap Mark Henry for organs and spare parts at this point.


Before Brock can leave, the Big Show’s entrance theme hits and Big Show looks pissed off.  HOW DARE YOU SAY EAT THREE TIMES WITHOUT INVITING THE BIG SHOW?  Big Show backs Lesnar towards the ring and now Lesnar makes a retreat.  Heyman reminds Big Show they don’t fight for free as this retreat occurs.  Lesnar attempts to jump the Big Show while Heyman has him distracted but Big Show catches Lesnar in the act and tosses him clear across the ring.  Lesnar wants to fight but Heyman begs Brock to listen and not do this right now.


Good to see the Real Americans have decided to get rid of black people in addition to Mexicans.  Speaking of Mexicans the Bella Twins are out here to slut it up.


The commentators play up that the Bellas are having issues because Brie’s man, Daniel Bryan joined the Wyatts.  Looking at the Bella Twins you’d think Nikki got ass implants in addition to the tit job because of how big her ass is compared to Brie’s.


Oh yeah, Alicia Fox and Aksana are here too but nobody cares about them (as always). By some miracle Aksana and Alicia get the win when Brie completely whiffs a move of the top rope.  They play Aksana’s crappy porn entrance music and the two Non-Total-Divas brag about their victory.  I wonder whose penis is in Aksana’s butt for her to get all these wins.


Too Cool is here so prepare for obligatory 3MB jobbing segment.


…told ya.  Heath Slater says this is the NEW 3MB (the same as the Old 3MB adds Drew McIntyre) and they vow they will begin their winning streak tonight. 


The face Scotty makes before the Worm is hilarious by the way.  McIntyre doesn’t seem to take too kindly to that and he and Jinder begin murdering Scotty.  That’s almost as good as Lesnar’s weird O-Face when he broke Mark Henry’s arm earlier.  Rikishi eventually gets tagged in and fired up.  It’s definitely a PG show when Rikishi is actually wrestling in pants.  Grandmaster Sexay manages to hit the Hip Hop Drop on 1 3MB member and Rikishi sits on Jinder’s face causing 3MB to take a loss.  So much for the win streak beginning tonight.


The Godfather is here.  We sold Mecca to him once.  True story.  All the legends come out to the stage to get cheered one last time.


YES!  Bad News Barrett pops out of nowhere like an erection.  I hope he makes poor taste jokes about death.  Flair is so drunk he has no idea what the hell is going on. 


Barrett basically says only 7 people have any clue who these pathetic old men are and says that these pathetic attempts to rekindle their glory years are futile with a future being banished to anonymity and being forgotten.  Wade says he will forget who all these people are the second they leave and the only thing sadder than that is knowing the entire WWE will forget them too.


Flair’s face when Bad News Barrett was out was great.  He was probably worried the “bad news” was a fifth divorce.  After all this is over, we get one last legend before the main event, Mean Gene Okerlund.


Okerlund demands everyone pick up the phone and call the Hotline.  They should have made us vote on the Hotline instead of the App.  Almost nobody remembered it in the building.  Apparently Okerlund is introducing the New Age Outlaws for tonight.  The Outlaws introduce CM Punk tonight.  The Shield is out next and our main event begins.


It’s funny because I saw an older FCW match where Reigns defeated Ambrose and Rollins, so in a technical sort of way he can already lay claim to being superior to them.  Of course nothing in FCW counts… except maybe DT Porter killing his girlfriend.  That was dope. Lengthy match here.  They’ve done a good job of making Reigns look like he can hang with all the other former indy darlings involved in this.  Inevitably Rollins and Ambrose end up fighting with the New Age Outlaws on the outside.  Punk tries to help the Outlaws outside giving Reigns recovery time.  He comes off the top rope to get punched right in the midsection hard by Reigns.  Reigns goes for a cover and almost gets the 3.  Reigns fires up and goes for the spear but hits the turnbuckle.  Punk rolls Reigns up but only gets a 2 count.  The match is heating up at this point.   Kick to the back of Roman’s head won’t keep him down either.  Punk hits the running knee in the corner but gets distracted by Ambrose in the corner, allowing Reigns to drop Punk with the spear and get the victory.  Since Ambrose assisted it can be argued that the Shield is still functioning as a full unit.


Suddenly Jake the Snake Roberts makes his way out here… and no I am not kidding.  Possibly the biggest surprise of the night was an appearance from a very sober-looking Jake the Snake Roberts.  I am not sure if he is sober because he finally kicked the habit or sober because Flair and Piper already drunk anything with alcohol in it, including all mouthwash and disinfectants.


The Shield is in awe.  I think EVERYBODY is in awe as this is completely unexpected.  This gives the Outlaws and Punk time to fight their way back up and clean house of the Shield.  Ambrose gets hit with the GTS. 


Ambrose also gets a snake in his face from Jake.  And let me tell you it’s definitely not a prop or a toy.  Great way to end Old School RAW.  It felt five hours long but wasn’t a terrible show.  Long shows are tiring but if they are eventful then it’s not so bad to have to deal with that kind of length.  Hopefully since we’re pretty much on the Road to Wrestlemania there will continue to be more substance and less wasted motion with every RAW from here to April.