Recap: TNA Impact Wresting (Jan. 2, 2014)

Note: The quality of the pictures is terrible, and I’m sorry about that.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I swear, I’m like a heroin junkie. No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay away from this shit. Since no one has recapped the show, and I know a lot of you don’t watch TNA, I’ll do a small recap of the past month.

  • Magnus is the new World Heavyweight Champion, after winning the World Title Tournament. It was predictable, but enjoyable nonetheless.
  • Jeff Hardy lost his smile (and his international traveling privileges) and is gone from TNA for the foreseeable future.
  • Eric Young is trying to convince Joseph Park that he is Abyss. Also, Eric Young still looks like a retarded lumberjack.
  • Ken Anderson killed the Aces and Eights, and now Bully Ray is walking around in the hoodie AJ Styles left backstage, trying to be evil.
  • TNA brought back Feast or Fired, because why not. Gunner has the World Title briefcase <insert groan here>, Zema Ion has the X Division briefcase, EC3 has the tag title briefcase, and Chavo got fired since Mexicans can’t keep jobs, apparently.

That should bring everybody up to speed. Let’s get to this week’s Impact, which will have an X Division Title match and the “Coronation of Magnus.” And now, TAPE DELAYED from the Impact Zone in Orlando, Florida, this is IMPACT WRESTLING!

Kurt Angle should be legally forced to recite the alphabet backwards every time he has the microphone to ensure he is not drunk.

Kurt Angle should be legally forced to recite the alphabet backwards every time he has the microphone to ensure he is not drunk.

Kurt Angle comes out. He talks about how 2013 was the worst year of his career, because of the Aces and Eights and his “personal issues.” He talks about how he wasn’t a cyborg like people say he is. Well Kurt, cyborgs can’t be alcoholics, so I guess you’re right. He has an announcement to make about 2014, but Bobby Roode interrupts him.

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Roode thinks that Angle is hanging it up, like Jeff Hardy did. He wants Kurt to say that Roode is better than he is. Kurt wants one more match against Roode. Roode denies him, saying he has nothing to prove, and goes to leave. But, he changes his mind and accepts the match on one condition: if Angle loses, he has to leave TNA and can never be inducted into the TNA Hall of Fame. That’s it? If Kurt loses, he can’t get into a Hall of Fame with one person in it? Bobby Roode is not a very good negotiator. Maybe he’s a good pilot. Let’s ask him.

Can you fly, Bobby?

Anyway, Kurt agrees and makes the match for the Genesis free-for-view in two weeks... in a cage! Oooh. They start fighting, then Rockstar Spud comes out and tells them both to find partners for a tag match tonight.

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Dixie is backstage. She talks about how Magnus is gonna have his coronation tonight. Then, I guess we cut to the Creeper Cam, as Dixie gets a message that says, “See you tonight.”

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After a commercial, Gail Kim and Thrift Shop Tamina in the ring. Gail has a mic, and I zone out. Apparently, the Gail Kim Open Challenge still exists.

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And nice Madison Rayne shows up. She’s still doing the prom queen wave, and yelling like a pterodactyl. I hate it when characters turn, but don’t change anything about their characters. When that happens, we get problems like The Miz. I get nauseous just thinking about that miserable sack of sperm. Anyway, Madison wins after she reverses an Eat Defeat into a rollup.

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I’d still bang Madison, though.

Chris Sabin and Velvet Sky are backstage. He tells her that if she doesn’t help him, he’s done with her.

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Kurt Angle is backstage, asking someone to be his partner. That someone turns out to be Gunner. F---. James Storm sees this and gets jealous or some redneck equivalent of jealous.

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Up next, Austin Aries defends the X Division Title against Suddenly Good Chris Sabin. Austin Aries was so good in this match. He has the ability to make a match that is kinda meaningless seen really fun to watch. Through the whole match, Sabin is yelling at Velvet to help him out. Eventually, Velvet gets on the apron to distract Aries, albeit reluctantly, and Sabin hits a low blow and wins back the X Division Title.

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After the match, Sabin thanks the only person that helped him do it. Himself. Usually when someone loses a world title, they get stuck in a holding position. Sabin has gotten really entertaining since he turned.

Later tonight, Dexter Morgan Samuel Shaw has his debut match on Impact. We’re just gonna forget the fact he had a Gut Check match to even get a job here. Not important.

Rockstar Spud is backstage. He gets a call that hangs up on him. Hmm.

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Back to the ring, as Samuel Shaw comes out in normal clothes. I’m told he’s dressed kind of like Dexter. He’s gonna be taking on everybody’s favorite jobber, Norv Fernum. Samuel puts on black gloves. This match is really slow and really weird. Shaw keeps staring at Christy Hemme, who we all expect to be murdered by the end of this storyline. Shaw chokes out Norv and wins. Not a good debut, but I’ll give him a pass for now.

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James Storm is backstage. He says that Gunner changed, like all of his other tag partners. He’s gonna make Kurt Angle regret picking him as a partner.

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After a commercial, Roode is in his dressing room asking someone why he should pick them to be his partner. That someone is Storm! I like this. Storm basically says if Roode doesn’t pick him to be his partner, he’ll kick everybody’s ass, including his.

Angle and Gunner out for their tag match. Roode comes out, and after a commercial, we find out that his partner is… James Storm! BEER! MONEY!

Goddamn it, I miss that music (Riv's Note:  which they sadly did not play by the way). Beer Money wins after Storm superkicks Gunner into a Roode Death Valley Driver.

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After the match, Roode and Angle fight. Again. Storm tosses Gunner the Feast or Fired briefcase.

Sting walking backstage. Spud asks if Sting has been the one messing with Dixie. Sting tells him, rightfully so, to fuck off.

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After a commercial, the almighty EC3 arrives. I don’t know if you guys know, but he pinned Sting. I know he got fired from Asked by Johnny Landin, but goddamn it, he’s great. He brags about how he pinned Sting last week. He makes fun of Jeff Hardy, and challenges him to a match. His music hits, but of course he isn’t here. EC3 decides to just count him out and take the win. He gets to 9 before Sting shows up. He calls EC3 “Dixie’s Lapdog”, which those fat retards in Florida decide to chant. EC3 says that he will fight Sting… in two weeks at Genesis. I’ll give it to TNA, they are doing a good job of building up these free-for-views.

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Backstage, Joseph Park asks a retarded lumberjack Eric Young why he put him in a match with Bully Ray. EY says that for Joseph to become Abyss again, he has to go back to the beginning. Two years ago this week, Abyss fought Bully in his last match. EY says if Joseph fights Bully, he’ll be closer to getting fixed. EY says Joseph has to do this alone and leaves. Bully shows up and tells Joseph that it’s not in his best interest to wrestle him that night. He says that he’s gonna set Joseph on fire. That match is next.

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Bully Ray comes out, not dressed to wrestle. Joseph Park comes out, despite Bully’s warning. The bell rings and Bully doesn’t move. Joseph walks closer to him, and gets kicked in the nuts for it. Then, Bully pulls out a bottle of lighter fluid and soaks Joseph in it. I guess he wasn’t fucking around. Bully pulls out a match, then Ken Anderson comes out to stop a murder in progress.

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Bully covers him in lighter fluid and holds up a match. Instead of burning two men alive, Bully just leaves. That was fun. The Coronation of Magnus is after the break.

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Rockstar Spud and EC3 are in the ring, which is decorated with a bunch of British shit and a throne. Spud makes a bunch of British references. He says that Dixieland is where dreams come true. I’m guessing that Dixieland is what Dixie calls her vagina. EC3 introduces Dixie. Dixie’s music is god-awful. She’s also cross-eyed. She tells the story about how she discovered Magnus in a magazine. She introduces Magnus.

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Magnus comes out. He looks good with the title. He says that no one believed that he would win the World Title. He says that he turned his back on them because they turned their backs on him.

Then Gunner comes out with the Feast or Fired briefcase. Because F everything.

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Gunner wants to cash in his briefcase and get a World Title match. Spud and EC3 beat him down. Then, AJ Styles returns to Impact, comes out of the crowd, and tosses them out of the ring.

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AJ tells Dixie that he’s not giving them the title back. He came back because Dixie screwed the people out of a real world champion. He calls Magnus a farce. He says that Magnus will doubt himself for the rest of his career if he doesn’t accept AJ’s challenge for a Title vs. Title match. Meanwhile, Dixie is yelling somewhat off-mic, and it is really annoying. Magnus tells Dixie to give AJ a one-day contract. He accepts the challenge. Title vs. Title, All or Nothing, next week on Impact. I’m surprised they didn’t save this for Genesis, but okay.

The last segment fell apart, but still a good Impact. Good build for Genesis, storylines moved along. Impact has been really good for the past few months, and this show was no different. See you next week.