Recap: WWE NXT (January 29, 2014)

So it is time for another NXT recap, although with the way this show is I’m wondering why I don’t just give it up and stick to RAW since the entire WWE is kind of a chore.  Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment.  Maybe I’m desperate for content.  I don’t know.  Anyway, let’s get this going because the sooner I do it, the sooner it’s over with and I can get on with my miserable “snowed in under a mere 2 inches of snow because Georgia sucks” life.  I wish I could still review dirty videos because stuff like “Not The Cosby’s XXX,” “Can’t Be Roots,” and various episodes of “Girls Do Porn” would all be way more fun than hanging out with the likes of Alexander Rusev.

"We are the Ascension and we will rise... just never out of developmental."

"We are the Ascension and we will rise... just never out of developmental."

After the NXT intro (which in some cases is the best part of the entire show) we get the arrival of the NXT Tag Team Champions, the Ascension.  Are the NXT Tag Team titles really necessary?  It’s not like there’s a tag division, here.  And soon with the breakups of the Prime Time Players and Goldust/Cody Rhodes there won’t be one on the main roster, either! I feel like Konnor has spent 10,000 years in the WWE Developmental System dating back to OVW, DSW and FCW days, and Viktor, aside from sharing his name with a Genso Suikoden character, is just floating around like some kind of turd that wears Gambit contact lenses.  The Ascension weighs a combined 484 lbs.  If 300 lbs. of that is Konnor, what does that leave Viktor with? 

…The correct answer is AIDS.  

…The correct answer is AIDS.  

While you can’t hear it because you’re reading a recap, William Regal is back on commentary with Alex Riley and Tom Phillips.  Regal is the best thing going on NXT commentary and it blows any week that he isn’t on it. 

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Who the hell are these guys?  Did Bill DeMott pay his plumber and his last fast food meal with NXT contracts?  These guys are bums.  Why are we wasting time?  This is exactly why I don’t take the concept of an “NXT Tag Division” seriously – the only competition for the champions have been Hunico & Camacho (who should be on the main roster, though technically Hunico is Sin Cara now so he sort of is), and The American Wolves (who WWE decided not to sign despite everyone telling them to and are now in TNA).  For some reason during this squash match a “THIS IS AWESOME” match starts.  Full Sail University has just been confirmed to be a school full of “special needs” kids.  This isn’t awesome.  It’s sad.  The Ascension makes short work of this trash team and hits the Fall of Man to score a pinfall victory.

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Sylvester LeFort is still backstage looking for someone to manage so that he has a purpose other than looking like a cheap pimp who sells obese black women on Craigslist.

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Who the hell is this loser?  I assume his name is Cal Bishop due to his tights.  Also appropriate for this guy is the fact there seems to be what looks like a picture of a hot log of crap over his name on his tights.  He says he’s an amateur wrestling champion but LeFort is too busy looking at the cauliflower ears on this guy and being disturbed by them.  LeFort says there is no way he is putting those ears on TV.  This guy walks off disappointed and I wonder what the point of that was.  Recently WWE re-signed Garrett Dylan who was managed by LeFort alongside Scott Dawson.  Why don’t we just put those three back together and put an end to this?

Proof that WWE Creative hates you.

Proof that WWE Creative hates you.

No. No. God no. I forgot this was even a thing.  CJ Parker vs. The Miz is probably the most painful thing they’ve put on NXT all year. A video airs for the Wrestlemania Reading Challenge, which is WWE’s attempt to get people to read something more than140-character-long tweets from assholes.

WWE Reading Challenge:  Because judging by your tweets, most of you hardly pass as "literate."

WWE Reading Challenge:  Because judging by your tweets, most of you hardly pass as "literate."

I decided to go check out WWEEReadingSuperstar.com and figure it out.  Apparently you choose a WWE Pen Pal to send a letter to explaining what book you have been reading and why it is your favorite book.  I figure even though I’m well past the age to participate I might as well give it a try.  What’s the worst that could happen, right?

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You may have to zoom in on that in order to read what I wrote.  Hopefully Ziggler gets my $10 back.  We are told by the commentators Adrian Neville and Bo Dallas will have a contract signing for their title match that will happen on the first live NXT on the WWE Network and that Neville will pick the stipulation.

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Despite rumors that Corey Graves died of syphilis, he appears to be alive and well much to the dismay of anyone watching this crap.  Apparently the nick name they have given him this week is the “pearl of the underground.”  I bet he has worn many pearl necklaces to keep his job if you catch my drift.  I can’t take anyone seriously who wrestles in skinny jeans.  I wonder if Graves will get a sex change like the lead singer of Against Me and enter the NXT Divas division.  Graves vs. Paige might be an interesting feud.  Graves cuts an awful promo against Adrian Neville which means that he’s probably going to cost Neville the title match in a few weeks.

SABES, NOSOTROS SOMOS POCOS PERO LOCOS!!!

SABES, NOSOTROS SOMOS POCOS PERO LOCOS!!!

Camacho should kill Graves (and decapitate him with a machete so he doesn't come back this time) but being this is the return match for Graves things are looking grim for everyone’s favorite fake-Mexican.  Graves wins with his Lucky 13 leg-lock thing.  Graves sucks so he’ll probably be called up faster than the talented ones on this show.  Oh well, at least he isn’t Alexander Rusev.

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Devin Taylor is backstage interviewing Antonio Cesaro.  Her face always looks shiny like it has been freshly spooged on.  She asks Cesaro why he denied Sami Zayn a rematch.  Cesaro says he does not have to justify himself and the only reason people still talk about the match is because Cesaro was in it and mocks the fact Sami Zayn is walking around on crutches before storming off.

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Coming up Bayley will take on “The Creature from Planet #BlackTwitter,” Sasha Banks.  Sasha looks like a black girl who stole a bunch of jewelry from rappers before falling into a vat of chemicals which made her light-skinned and have joker-red lips.  I like how the commentators call Bayley “enthusiastic.”  Let’s be honest here, Bayley is playing a “retarded person” gimmick.  It’s just hot to all of us because it reminds us of the type of girl who gets tricked into having dirty sex in porno movies with names like “Innocent 18s Number 7.”

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Speaking of pornography back in LeFort’s makeshift gay porn studio, Sawyer Fulton is the next person to likely be denied.  Fulton is actually one of the more amusing people on Twitter who doesn’t take the seemingly cookie-cutter tweets NXT guys make too seriously and will dish out insults if they’re handed to him on occasion which earns him my respect, even if his one-strap gear is a bit peculiar.  Fulton won’t let go of LeFort’s hand when he shakes it and doesn’t answer LeFort when he asks where Sawyer is from.  LeFort asks if he’s here for the audition and Fulton responds with “what audition?” 

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Fulton won’t give LeFort his hand back and just keeps smiling soullessly at LeFort.  He slowly lets go of LeFort’s hand as LeFort asks him to please leave and continues to smile with that “I didn’t wash my hands after I wiped” expression.  That was actually amusing.

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I feel like the fact Natalya is on NXT so much is a sign that WWE barely has any NXT Divas and that the ones they do are all injured from the strength trainer fondling them too hard.  I like Natalya but I don’t understand why she isn’t put to better use on the main roster instead of rotting away in this dead-end. 

The NXT Brazzers Slam of the Week... in Renee Young's mossy bank.

The NXT Brazzers Slam of the Week... in Renee Young's mossy bank.

Likewise, Renee Young isn’t terrible as an interviewer but I feel like 3 guys and Renee Young in the booth during women’s matches with the whole “she’s a woman so she knows about women’s matches” logic is a little bit of overkill.  It also looks like the beginning of a 3 on 1 BRAZZERS scene.  Charlotte and Summer Rae are in Banks’ corner.  Bayley lunges for Charlotte outside and already I see a little bit of the rookie issues here – Sasha should have capitalized immediately but she was too busy taking off her 27 lbs. of ridiculous bling jewelry. Bayley redoes the same spot and this time Sasha lunges to attack her from behind.  Sasha does have a nice ass, it’s better than her face.  Not better than Bayley’s ass, though.  The crowd starts a Bayley chant and the commentators seem to care about this match less than I do because all of them are doing nothing but flirt with Renee Young which is one of the reasons having Renee in the booth with three guys fails virtually every time.  Sasha continues keeping Bayley grounded as the crowd continues to rally behind her.  Snapmare sends Sasha off of Bayley followed by an elbow to the face.  Bayley begins dropping Sasha with axehandles and hits a lunging clothesline in the corner.  Bayley gets fired up and goes to the ropes.  Natalya takes out both BFF members outside while Bayley looks on.  Despite the attempt from Sasha to roll Bayley up she’s too smart for it, hits the Bayley-To-Bayley suplex and gets the win as the BFFs retreat back to their Harpy’s Nest where they emerged from.

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Charlotte’s face in this photo convinces me she is merely David Flair after a “reassignment procedure.”  I think I'd like her 40% more if she had David Flair's music and/or Titantron.

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We go from the Sisterhood of Evil Divas to the Biggest Diva of them all, Tyler Breeze.  Hey, I wonder if he will do anything other than throw kicks in the next match.

The things I would do to Stephanie McMahon would NOT be TV-PG.

The things I would do to Stephanie McMahon would NOT be TV-PG.

Before we get to that a commercial airs for the Elimination Chamber with Stephanie McMahon comparing it to her own personal dream Doll House.  Stephanie always looks like she’s ready to take a penis in her butthole.  I would totally do it to her even if it meant Triple H broke my neck afterward.  It would be worth it.

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The commercial ends with Stephanie McMahon ripping a Miz figure in half, which I think sums up how WWE management, the fans, and even Miz’s father (who looks miserable any time he sees his son) feel about the Miz.  I wish the doll were imbibed with voodoo magic so that we Miz would be ripped up in two like the cyborg guy in the movie Aliens and I’d be spared watching him wrestle CJ Parker later in this program.

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Up next Colin Cassady will take on Tyler Breeze. Colin is managing to hang in there despite the fact Enzo is still out injured and getting even more over without Enzo than he was as part of the team.  I still somewhat wish Enzo Amore would come out here with his tricked out wheelchair and stay in the corner of Cassady on principle.

Tyler Breeze:  Wrestling's first transsexual? 

Tyler Breeze:  Wrestling's first transsexual? 

Tyler Breeze has eye makeup on.  Either that or it’s excessive pink eye from Audrey Marie’s ass in his face all the time.  Was eye makeup really necessary?  How about having more than two moves instead?  William Regal says that Breeze’s gear is made out of chinchillas from Peru.  Tyler Breeze should feud with all of WWE’s vegans due to his poor treatment of animals.  The commentators justify Breeze’s effeminate physique claiming that due to his side-career as a model he has to keep his weight down and that he likes being considered a feather weight because he finds feathers to be “pretty.”  Sometimes this gimmick enters a whole new level of gay.  Breeze is offended when Cassady calls him “SAWFT” as Regal adds that “SAWFT” pretty much sums up Tyler Breeze.  Two whole minutes of this match are devoted to Tyler Breeze stalling and not putting his cellular phone down.  Cassady borrows the phone of somebody in the crowd and begins taking pictures of himself and doing runway poses mocking Tyler Breeze and turning the crowd against Breeze in the process.  The match finally begins.  I’m going to count the kicks of Breeze:

Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Colin punches Breeze twice in the face and mocks him.  Breeze gets hit with the clubbing blows to the back and a scoop slam.  Elbow drop by Big Cass.  Kick out by Breeze.  Cass big boots Breeze in the face and just when he’s going to get the cover, Aiden English appears to deliver his brand of ProSexTips on the Titantron.

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In actuality he just sings a lot to piss Cassady off before revealing that he intends to attack a helpless Enzo Amore.

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Enzo’s wheelchair is still the 2nd greatest wheelchair of all time right behind Charles Xavier’s hoverchair.  I just want to point that out.  Kick.  1-2-3-Breeze wins (again by doing virtually nothing).

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Cassady runs backstage after the match and finds Enzo is perfectly fine as Enzo says he told Aiden English he was gonna kick his head in if he didn’t get lost.  Enzo does mention English threatened him and that he doesn’t know how to play chess.  Amusing segment.  Enzo and Cassady are great on the microphone.  Alex Riley meanwhile is VERY HAPPY to see the MIz.  He’s the only one.  Here is how watching the Miz vs. CJ Parker makes me feel:

Oh, and if you actually care The Miz won.  Also if you actually care YOU should be the one that dies in a fire not me.

Seth Rogen cosplayer.

Seth Rogen cosplayer.

I loved this guy in Knocked Up.  Sami Zayn says he’s going to continue trying to get his return match with Antonio Cesaro.  Sami Zayn says he wants Cesaro to say no face-to-face if he has a problem with him wanting a rematch.  Meanwhile backstage, Sylvester LeFort is still looking to find some purpose for his meaningless existence.

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Not again with this Mason Ryan crap.  Mason Ryan says that if LeFort can beat Mason in a one on one match next week he’ll work for him.  Prepare for more pointlessness!  The contract signing between Bo Dallas and Adrian Neville is up next to close out the show.

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Neville and Renee Young are waiting for several minutes for Bo Dallas to appear and once they get tired of listening to his entrance theme play, Neville grabs the microphone and mocks Dallas for not showing up.  I think they just REALLY wanted to play Bo's entrance theme (which is the best thing about him).

Even though I can only understand one in two words Neville says I dig the accent because at least he sounds different than everyone even the other British guys.  Regal offers to translate through Neville’s thick Geordie accent.  Neville signs the contract anyway and says even if Bo doesn’t show up he’s still got this match.

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Bo Dallas finally makes his way out and with his white trunks it almost looks like he is wearing nothing but an adult diaper (and I would not be surprised if this was the case).  Dallas comes down here smiling and laughing with his geeky Wally & the Beaver voice and says he’s not scared of Adrian Neville but he is getting tired of him.  He tells Neville and Renee Young to take a seat and pay attention to the reason why Bo Dallas is NXT champion, and demands an opponent come out here.

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DANNY “DOWN SYNDROME” BURCH, and his homeless person jacket!!!  Here’s the only guy on the roster who people probably hate more than Bo.  Burch gets hit with a “THIS GUY” chant by the audience which shows you how little they give a damn about him despite the fact he’s been in developmental for a long time.  The crowd hits Dallas with a TIGHTY WHITEYS chant while Regal questions the wisdom of taking on someone like Burch and risking injury before his NXT title match with Neville.  Adrian does not look impressed with this match but really, who would be?  A BORING chant is hit on Dallas while he hits the Futureshock DDT on Burch for the win.  I guess it’s been so long since Drew McIntyre hit it on anyone that he doesn’t need it anymore.  Dallas wants the contract right now and cheap-shots Neville after signing it.  Neville is back up while Dallas showboats and dives on him to the outside ending the show in a brawl between both men.  And that’s a wrap for a somewhat decent episode of NXT all things considered.  It’s still not as good as NWAFAG with myself and Johnny Landin, but really, what is?