From The Archives: Don't Kill Yourself. A Tough Love Approach to Why Suicide is NEVER The Answer

For the grand finale of this triple-threat of Social Commentaries about Bullying, Anti-Bullying, and how it's gone too far and caused self-respect to die I top it off with a no-nonsense, no-bull approach to why suicide isn't the answer to your problems and some of the harsh consequences and realities you may not have thought about before.  Hopefully it helps some people toughen up or find a reason to live.  If not, hopefully it amused someone.

In more important news I want to know about those top white sitcoms that black people love.

In more important news I want to know about those top white sitcoms that black people love.

Suicide caused by bullying seems to be a hot topic in this day and age even though “bullying” actually builds character for those who can survive it and even though time and time again “bullying” is an overused term applied to any time somebody speaks an opinion different from the opinions of others.


A recent news story about “bullying” comes from a Canadian teen girl named Amanda Todd who posted a YouTube video about how she had shown her breasts to internet cam rooms for approval and was mocked by her classmates, had a Facebook page devoted to her breasts, then moved to another town, slept a guy not knowing he had a girlfriend and got her ass kicked for doing so. She then drank bleach, survived, hung herself, and died. Her “cry for help” video can be seen below.

While many people throw her name up on a Facebook Group or a Twitter Topic to raise “bullying awareness” the fact of the matter is it was thinking without consequences and not having the pride to live with what she had done and appease others for their approval that led to her demise. This isn’t a story about “bullying” this is a story about “low self-esteem” and sometimes one has nothing to do with the other. Regardless suicide is really stupid and really selfish, and even if you were going to off yourself I’m sure there are better reasons than a bunch of other kids seeing your Chris Hansens on the Internet.

Hi, we are Chris Hansens with Dateline NBC

Hi, we are Chris Hansens with Dateline NBC

Now I’ve commented on the subject on my social media sites and been called “insensitive” and “harsh.” I’ve been called cold, callous the King of Bullies, and Satan. I feel like I myself am being bullied and that is unfair. I have never done anything to hurt any of you. In fact, I’m here to help. I’m here to give back. I’m here to give all of you who need help reasons why you SHOULDN’T kill yourself.

Reason 1: Bullying Doesn’t Stop Because You Are Dead.


None of us knows what happens when you die. I assume it’s a lot like the Resident Evil games. You have an out of body experience and then hear someone yell your name while the words YOU ARE DEAD flash for one time before everything fades to black, which if that’s the case is pretty awesome.

Death really isn't glamorous at all.

Death really isn't glamorous at all.

Now you might be thinking “I am in pain and I will show those bullies by KILLING MYSELF, then they will be sorry.” The problem is this: If the bullies are in fact bullies, they feel no remorse or pity or fear and they absolutely WILL NOT STOP... UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD. However you’re not “gone” or “forgotten” because you died. You are only truly dead when making fun of you stops being funny. So you might be physically dead. Your brain might be shut down. You might be in a grave filled with maggots and worms covered in dank musty soil while your entire body rots. You might be in an oven having your body and bones burned to cinders at 1000+ degrees until there is nothing left of you but a soft dust that fades into the wind, but on the Internet PEOPLE ARE STILL MAKING FUN OF YOU...  people like me..

In fact MORE people who never bullied you and didn’t know you are making fun of you for being a pathetic coward and a horrible person… people like me who really don’t give a damn what you are going through and make your death less about your problems and more about catchy television show themes.

The solution is really simple if you want to die: Just give up fighting, but let the bullies be the ones to finish the job – if they KILL YOU, you win. They go to jail for murder, you’re dead and nobody makes fun of you because they think that the bully that murdered you is a rotten son of a bitch who deserves the electric chair. And if they DON’T kill you, CONGRATULATIONS, you have effectively learned how to be yourself, and not care if it bothers anybody else. Now you’re a better person and also YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.

As you can see people don't stop making fun of you when you commit suicide.

As you can see people don't stop making fun of you when you commit suicide.

Remember when you’re murdered, YOU ARE A VICTIM. When you Alt+F4 out of Life, you are a Meme. And who knows – while you’re waiting for the bullies to kill you, maybe the bullying will stop. MAYBE they will get bored. MAYBE the police or your parents or teachers will actually step in. MAYBE you’ll learn a reason to live and keep going no matter how difficult it may seem to get. The point is we all have times we feel like we don’t want to live, but most of us aren’t stupid enough to kill ourselves. You might even think that some people will feel sorry for you and defend your good name. That’s true but typically those people are usually mentally retarded and can’t form coherent sentences themselves.

The type of person that will “defend your honor” usually never has a good argument.

The type of person that will “defend your honor” usually never has a good argument.

They’re usually ALSO people who will probably kill themselves at some point – sensitive types who cry at emotionally-filled wussy movies and can’t handle constructive criticism.

Reason 2: Because You Go to Hell When You Die (if you believe in Hell).


Organized modern religion tells us that people who take their own lives go to hell when they die because it is a sin to destroy the gift of life you have been given by whatever-God-you-choose. The only exception are terrorists who believe that the more people that they blow up in a single suicide the more strange they get to tame when they die.

These guys get rewarded for blowing themselves up. You don't.

These guys get rewarded for blowing themselves up. You don't.

Chances are you’re not a terrorist, so your hell is going to probably involve Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre air guitaring… forever.

There’s also no air conditioning down there. Also chances are you get to also see and hear in real time every horrible thing anyone has or will ever say about you after you are dead.


The point is life may suck, but where you are going when you kill yourself is far, far worse. They don’t have iPhones there, which is kind of ironic since Steve Jobs is in Hell for creating conformity among the masses.

Reason 3: Think of the poor son of a bitch that has to clean that mess up.

When you die your corpse literally defecates on itself. Somebody has to clean your necrotic feces and that somebody probably has a life WORSE than yours because they HAVE TO CLEAN DEAD PEOPLE POOP.


Think of Mr. Venezuela, ok? Mr. Venezuela makes $6.00 an hour AT BEST. He’s got three kids at home. He’s got a car that barely works. He’s got to clean up puke with sawdust and he walks into your house and sees human feces leaking from your anus after you've hung yourself so when you killed yourself, you might as well just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela’s head.

Even if you think there's going to be no mess in the way that you choose to kill yourself, there’s going to have to be autopsies. There’s going to be smells and stinks and all sorts of a mess. It’s disgusting and it’s vulgar. If you shot yourself or cut yourself there are going to be blood stains. Do you know how hard it is to clean up that much blood?

That's NEVER going to come out.

That's NEVER going to come out.

Your bits of grey matter splattered all over the walls are going to make it difficult for your parents to rent out your room or sell the house to get away from the traumatic memory that they failed as parents. All you’re doing is being selfish. Suicide would be much better if the people who committed suicide were by some otherworldly presence forced to come back from the dead long enough to clean their own god-damn mess. But they aren’t. That means someone else has to do it.

Reason 4: It’s Not Economically Viable (To Anyone)

Unfortunately thanks to THIS MAN, Healthcare is probably going to be free one day:



That means that at least as far as America is concerned we pool our tax money together for this “free” healthcare (which we’re going to pay for out the ass by the way) which MEANS that when you try to kill yourself and FAIL, EVERYONE ELSE PAYS FOR IT – innocent people who didn’t bully you at all and had nothing to do with you being a selfish piece of trash that decided to off yourself.


Even if you do kill yourself the cops still have to investigate. This takes their resources away from solving ACTUAL murders, rapes, robberies - actual crimes that hurt other people. By hurting yourself you could inadvertently be letting someone else get killed because the police, paramedics, etc. all aren't there to help, and you know who pays the cops? TAXPAYERS. You know who pays taxes? PEOPLE THAT ARE STILL ALIVE. You are being selfish by doing all of this. If anything anyone whose tax money remotely contributes to the investigations, autopsies, etc. should legally be allowed to piss on your grave. You think your parents don’t love you right now? They’ll love you even less when they have to pay for this:


Or this.


Or even this:


Flowers aren't cheap. Funerals are expensive. Therapy costs for grieving friends and loved ones isn't fun either because unlike you they're fighting to NOT kill themselves after something like that. Your death leaves behind a horrible mess for everyone that you leave behind, and that is one of the biggest reasons you're selfish if you kill yourself. You may think your pain ends at you but it continues at everybody else who has ever even remotely interacted with you good or bad. People HATE therapy and they HATE funerals. Nobody wants to go to that. They want to enjoy their lives. You are inconveniencing everyone by being dead because you are wasting their time. Time is money. Therefore you being dead is NOT ECONOMICALLY VIABLE. You actually cost less being alive.

Reason 5: Because there’s always somebody worse off than you, and they haven’t killed themselves


Adalia Rose.


Jacqueline Saburido.


David Arquette.

There’s always someone whose life is worse than yours – if they have the courage to continue living after being born deformed, being turned into Freddy Kruger by fire, or… being born an Arquette why should you stop living? Even an Arquette can accomplish great things:


Even if that was worse than the wrestling version of the Holocaust for EVERYONE watching WCW at the time the point is David Arquette made it to the top of the mountain and that means YOU CAN, TOO! All you have to do is keep going - keep going, don't look back and don't let ANYTHING stand in your way.

In All Seriousness

I personally have been made fun of for a speech impediment growing up, gotten into fights every day (because I come from the last generation that COULD fight in elementary and not get arrested or forced onto medication for it), I moved to a place I had no friends, I had acne, didn’t have a serious girlfriend until AFTER I graduated high school – I’ve had people close to me die on me, I’ve had friends betray me, I’ve had people use me for sex (yes women can do that too), I’ve been damn near crippled, I’ve been cheated on, lied to, dumped, arrested, left for dead, but I’m still here – why? Because as cliché as it might sound life isn’t about lying down and dying when life gets bad. Life is about getting up, moving, pushing forward, and becoming stronger every single day because what doesn’t kill you can only fuel you. Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you hurt? GOOD, LET THAT BE YOUR MOTIVATOR TO GET UP AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

This comment which I found on the Huffingtonpost’s page about the situation pretty much sums up that maybe, just maybe when it comes to this whole “bullying epidemic” we have it ALL wrong:


The only way this supposed “bullying” is ever going to stop is going to be if the people who are supposedly BEING “bullied” actually stand up and do something about it called “taking pride in oneself,” or “having accountability.” Don’t try to “be accepted” or “fit in.” Just be who you are and if other people don’t like that, tough shit. It’s their problem that they have to accept those who are different, not yours to try to appease them, beg for their approval or care about what they think. And if someone puts their hands on you and you CAN’T fight back, you go to the cops, the parents, or whoever. It’s not about being pathetic, it’s about being smart.

Everybody has felt like life wasn’t worth living at some point growing up because of the way things were around them in school, at home, with their friends or their peers. But people keep going. The world will keep going without you in it but they will forever scorn you for your weakness whereas those who keep going are respected, even admired.  If you can seriously kill yourself right this second – call a therapist, call a friend, tell a parent or do something because something in your brain isn’t working like it is supposed to. That’s really all there is to it. But if you do happen to kill yourself I have only thing to say to you:


Thanks for the memes. Don’t BE a meme though. Be a fighter.