From The Archives: Bullying Isn't an Epidemic: You Are All Just Wimps.

The second part of a three-part series from the archives is written by Johnny Landin regarding the incorrect use of the word "bully" in this day and age.  In an era where the word "bully" is used any time an opinion is expressed, we hear it all too often for the views and ideas expressed on the Asked with Riv & Landin podcast.  In this article Johnny Landin explains why the "Anti-Bullying Agenda" might be getting just a little bit out of hand and why the word "bullying" is taken far too out of context.

Before we get started, I’d just like to take this time to inform all of you that the official Johnny Landin t-shirt is now available for purchase, and it is epic. You can pick one up here.

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And I have good news - for every t-shirt sold, I will donate a dollar to the center for research on Luis Guzman Disease (more on this in an upcoming throwback article). It’s for a good cause, so be sure to pick one up and represent arguably the coolest human on Earth in 2012, yours truly.


Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past year, you’ve probably noticed that the term ‘bully’ has risen in popularity for no apparent reason at all, and has become a commonly used term in everyday life. This is due mostly to the media’s new found obsession with the subject, and their publicity of numerous suicides which they have deemed a result of ‘bullying’. The media is obsessed with blowing this entire topic out of proportion, and if you pay any attention you’ll notice that there are literally dozens of bullying stories publicized on a daily basis. And now every celebrity, freak and loser on Earth have stepped forward and claimed they were bullied.


As a result of everyone talking about/masturbating to the topic of bullying, there’s now tons of ridiculous anti-bullying memorabilia. Everything ranging from bumper stickers to really lame t-shirts like this one:


Anyone who wears this deserves to be bullied for having no fashion sense. If you ask me, you’d all be much better off buying THE BRAND NEW JOHNNY LANDIN T-SHIRT!

The amusing part of this all is the fact that there is no clear cut definition on what a bully even is. If you’d have asked me what a bully is ten years ago, I most likely would have described it as someone who causes physical or mental harm on weaker people. But by today’s definition, and with the recent introduction of “cyber bullying”, bullying is pretty much doing ANYTHING mean or offensive to someone else. Even something small like teasing someone is considered bullying. And to that I say, STOP BEING A BUNCH OF SISSIES.

Overly sensitive men who cry all the time over stupid things, which is a side effect of too much anti-bullying propaganda.

Overly sensitive men who cry all the time over stupid things, which is a side effect of too much anti-bullying propaganda.

This new definition of bullying also pretty much implies that every form of comedy is also considered a form of bullying, dating all the way back to The Three Stooges.


Moe used to bully the hell out of those other two guys. And if we look at modern day comedy, comedians like Chris Rock, who are critical of others, can also be considered bullies. Bill Maher bullies religious people and conservatives, too. Hell, the entire cast of Saturday Night Live are bullies too for mocking other people.

Any form of blunt honesty or truth is now considered bullying. If you tell someone the inconvenient truth or pull no punches when talking to them, then YOU’RE a bully. Which means that Riv and I are technically the worst bullies on Earth for telling it like it is. But can you really blame us for being “bullies” in this day and age? I mean, most men smell like crap and dress like women. As a matter of fact, maybe if MORE “bullies” existed the whole hipster fad wouldn’t have come to be.


The irony in these anti bullying campaigns is the fact that virtually EVERYONE is guilty of their definition of bullying. We’ve all insulted someone or done something mean to someone else at some time or another. And we’ll all continue to do so. Yet for some reason people like to put themselves on a high horse and immediately criticize anyone else that does the same. Typical.

I’d like to think of the term “hater” as a precursor to “bully”. Both are THE dumbest, most over-used terms on Earth in 2012. Don’t believe me? Do a google search on “bully”, and see how many ridiculous news stories pop up on a daily basis.


Ok, so Newt Gingrich is BULLYING Rick Santorum into quitting, just because he WANTS him to quit? The term BULLYING insinuates that Newt Gingrich is beating the piss out of him to get him to quit. And personally, I wish he would beat the shit out of him, because even though I have no clue who he is, he most likely deserves it for being another faceless neo-con politician, not to mention it might actually make politics entertaining if it was settled by combat.


Why is this in the news? Boo-hoo, people were mean to the rich actress. When I was young I shit my pants during a ride to Niagara Falls, do you see me complaining about it?


Wow, so the media is finally admitting that a suicide occurred because of something OTHER than bullying? Funny, because if you watch the news nowadays you’d think every suicide committed by someone under the age of 18 was because they were picked on. And while I’m not going to poke fun at the fact that she killed herself, let’s be real here - her parents are the ones to blame.

“Instead it is now thought that her tendency to fall hard for boys, her history of depression, and an increase on her drinking and smoking, all converged to a tragic tipping point.”

Any parent who allows their 15 year old child to date, drink and smoke is a dickhead. And much like the majority of other teen suicides, the real cause is neglect. It’s sad that parents are not willing to take responsibility for their own children.


I think what’s even sadder is the fact that she offed herself despite being JB.



Of course, mental health is never taken into consideration when someone commits suicide as a result of “bullying”, because the average person in the United States has no education and views everything in black and white, one extreme or the other.


Oh ok, so now we’re going to wage a war against bullies. Does that mean we are going to fight ourselves, then, since we have all bullied at some point? For that matter are we saying that people should be beaten up for their opinions? That sounds much more destructive than making fun of somebody else. Maybe Obama can call in the military to beat all of us down, tase us, and force us to attend sensitivity classes.


Blah blah blah blah, shut up. First of all, Martin Luther King Day has been replaced by Johnny Landin Day - my birthday. Second of all, for anyone to “solve” bullying they’d have to rid every human being of all negativity and anger, which is literally impossible. Humans are naturally selfish. We’re living in a capitalist society, and whether or not these idiots want to admit it, there’s no such thing as a “utopia”. Society is dog-eat-dog, and as a result, people will run over whoever they have to in order to get to the top. People are always going to be rotten. Wake up, deal with it, and shut up.

One example of annoying, senseless anti-bullying propaganda is the “No H8” campaign, in which tons of celebrities (and people who think they’re celebrities) take stupid pictures with pieces of tape over their mouths and “No H8” written on their faces.

I will always hate Cher; screw you.

I will always hate Cher; screw you.

Is it just me, or is this campaign a blatant way of undermining our freedom of speech? Why would ANYONE agree to take a picture with a piece of tape over their mouth, unless they’re into bondage and/or abductions? That’s symbolic of being silenced - AKA having your First Amendment rights stripped from you. And that’s the ulterior motive of the powers that be - silence anyone who disagrees with them. The most amusing thing to me is how people who are OPENLY critical of others are a part of the “no h8” campaign. Take Perez Hilton, for example. Here we have a guy who made a name for himself by dissing celebrities on the internet, yet he’s a part of “no h8”.


I have no problem with Perez’s website, or the fact that he states his opinions of others. I have a problem with the fact that Perez, much like everyone else in this country, is a hypocrite.

What bothers me the most is that goofs like Lady Gaga are at the forefront of this anti-bullying movement and try to make it bigger than it actually is. She runs around trying to cater to the “minority” and “freaks”, meanwhile she’s selling MILLIONS of albums worldwide and has 40 million Twitter followers. On top of that, she pretends she was bullied when she was younger, which I’m sure is just a pile of crap. She’s like a politician - she has questionable intellect and tells the legions of idiots what they want to hear so that she can put more money in her pocket.


If I had my way, she’d never be allowed to cut another promo again. She’s the one who deserves the tape on her mouth, quite frankly.

And in another strange, hypocritical turn of events, the Jersey Shore kids are also doing the anti-bullying gimmick. This is most likely due to the fact that Vinny is a dork and gets made fun of a lot for dressing like a woman.

I wasn't aware that guidos dressed like Steve Urkel.

I wasn't aware that guidos dressed like Steve Urkel.

Yet another example of the misuse of the word "bullying."  Brilliant, Snooki!

Yet another example of the misuse of the word "bullying."  Brilliant, Snooki!


How can anyone on Jersey Shore criticize bullies? By their definition, they are bullies. They pick on each other, call ugly girls grenades, forced one of their house mates to leave and make a fortune off of a TV show where they criticize people and fight every week.

But what shocks me the most is the fact that the WWE has also started an anti-bullying campaign. Yes, the wrestling company which promotes solving problems through violence and trash talking people on a daily basis, is standing up against bullying. The same company whose lead commentator runs down all of the talent during the broadcast. The same company whose CEO gets off on playing mind games with his talent and dislikes fat people for being “weak”.

Anyone who at least knows what goes on behind the scenes should know that wrestlers are often times hazed in order to see who survives the locker room atmosphere. Wrestlers are constantly burying each other and playing politics just so they can succeed. The fact that WWE is acting like they’re a family-friendly company is a complete joke, but then again, the entire anti-bullying phenomenon revolves around hypocrisy, so that really isn’t too surprising.

Behold CM Punk, the former WWE champion who frequently insults fans on Twitter, makes fun of his coworkers, and is, by modern definition, a “bully”.

Behold CM Punk, the former WWE champion who frequently insults fans on Twitter, makes fun of his coworkers, and is, by modern definition, a “bully”.

In addition to regular bullying, people have now invented the term “cyber bullying”, which is another word for “getting made fun of on the internet.” Basically any time someone writes anything mean online, it’s considered cyber bullying. What they fail to mention is that, in most cyber bullying cases, nobody is smart enough to TURN OFF THE COMPUTER AND WALK AWAY. There is no reason for cyber bullying to be an issue, unless your bully can pop through the computer like Freddy Kruger sticking his tongue through the telephone.


Or maybe by cyber bullying, they’re referring to The Matrix. We get hooked up to a computer like Neo and get beat down by Agent Smith.

“Mister Annnddderson... welcome back!”

“Mister Annnddderson... welcome back!”

Thanks to anti-bullying nonsense, our society has become extra sensitive to everything. We can’t say anything mean about anyone else, but ESPECIALLY not if they’re gay. Is it right for people to pick on others strictly because they’re homosexual? No. But does that mean I’m supposed to let homosexuals harass me online and do nothing about it? Not at all. Take it from someone who gets harassed, or shall I say, CYBER BULLIED, by tons of homosexuals daily - it’s not fun.

There is no situation on this earth where a man should send another man a “wink” emoticon, gay or not.

There is no situation on this earth where a man should send another man a “wink” emoticon, gay or not.

I can think of better ways to spend my Friday night than getting tweets from this creep asking about my abs and calling me BIG GUY. I’m pretty sure if most of these homosexual cyber bullies had it their way they’d all walk around wearing chaps that show off their purple ass cheeks like Prince.


Now that I think about it, I get bullied by gays, fat women, chicks with boyfriends AND naked old men at the gym. It’s horrible! My life is like a daily showing of Lemonparty, with a little bit of BBW mixed in.


I’m really sick of being bullied by these super heavyweights. PICK ON SOMEBODY YOUR OWN SIZE!

If you’re honestly that offended by insults someone posts about you on the internet, or says about you behind your back, then you are in serious need of a self-esteem check. And for those of you who are being bullied, I’ve come up with two potential solutions for your problem.


I’m not sure what this entails, but it most likely has something to do with wearing baggy jean shorts from 2004, smiling and wearing a huge t-shirt that looks like something they’d sell at a gay pride parade.


On second thought, I think wearing that shirt would get you bullied even more.

OPTION B: Lift weights, eat like a man and don’t be a puny little penis.

Most guys nowadays are like George McFly. Remember him? That guy got his ass kicked all over the place in Back To the Future.


If you look like a teenage girl, you’re gonna get treated like one. If you ACT like a teenage girl, you’re gonna get treated like one. I am a true role model to bullied children everywhere. And the first step to being like me is eating tons of protein and hitting the gym. The second step is buying the ALL NEW, EXCLUSIVE, JOHNNY LANDIN T-SHIRT!

You idiots want to know what real bullying is? Bullying is having no choice but to defend yourself against someone bigger and older than you who’s going to beat your ass no matter what. That’s bullying. Teasing someone or being critical of someone, ESPECIALLY an entertainer, is NOT bullying. If Americans really want a solution to bullying, they can start by being honest with themselves and spending more time with their children to ensure that he or she doesn’t become a bully. And bear in mind that when I say bully, I mean real bullies like Biff Tanen, and not jerks or critics like John Bazman.



So tell me, now that our society has become filled with a bunch of overly sensitive panzies, where do we go from here? Are we all supposed to lie to one another and pretend everyone is equally smart, attractive, successful, etc? Because if we had that mentality for the past 200 years we never would have made any technological advances, and we’d still be eating dog shit and using sailboats to travel. Bullying is a problem, yes, but it’s the least of our worries in this messed up country of ours. Besides, I’m positive if bullying were that common, nerds wouldn’t be on top of the world right now, and we sure as hell wouldn’t see couples that look like this:


I forfeit life. I hate you all.