Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (January 27th, 2014)

Last night at the Royal Rumble Dave Batista, after only a week back in the company, eliminated Roman Reigns to win the Royal Rumble – a Royal Rumble which Daniel Bryan was not even involved in.  People are pretty pissed off about it, although to be fair they shouldn’t be surprised; WWE has operated this way for years.  Additionally they’re not trying to attract the “wrestling fan” with Batista’s win.  The “wrestling fan” will continue to watch this shit no matter what kind of garbage the WWE sends our way.  

This is the guy WWE is trying to hook with Batista being in a prominent spot.

This is the guy WWE is trying to hook with Batista being in a prominent spot.

They want to snag the retarded person with 7 brain cells in a UFC shirt 3 sizes too small that is hoping for Batista vs. Brock Lesnar.  Everyone is upset about it and while I can understand being annoyed you didn’t get what you want, the WWE’s slogan should be “expect disappointment” at this point, and if you expected otherwise you’ve been fooled.

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Oh by the way, for some reason the Wyatt Family attacked John Cena, costing him the match against Randy Orton, in what was a very hated match by the crowd that was met with many, many BORING chants and disdain. It looks like the rumored John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt feud is on course for Wrestlemania.

U MAD BRO?

U MAD BRO?

Here come the Authority (because we can’t just call them the McMahons since they are Levesques) to laugh at us.  Stephanie says this was one of the most satisfying and epic Royal Rumble Pay-Per-Views in history (despite all the critics taking a dump on it and calling it the worst Royal Rumble ever).

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Daniel Bryan interrupts to talk about what went down and how Daniel Bryan and his match with Bray Wyatt was the match of the night despite the fact he lost.  Hunter immediately undermines this match, and Bryan interrupts to remind HHH that people are angry that wasn’t in the Royal Rumble and that he did not get the opportunity to earn a shot to be in the main event at Wrestlemania.  Stephanie says they were looking out for Daniel’s well-being and he retorts reminding Stephanie and Hunter they put him in 3 on 1 matches constantly and make him do double duty all the time.  Stephanie asked if she thinks these people came to see him.  He asks the crowd if they want to see Randy Orton or HHH, and they say NO both times.  Stephanie pretends she can’t hear.   Daniel Bryan says neither he nor HHH is leaving the ring until Daniel Bryan gets what he wants.  HHH says they are not alone, and invites the Shield to the ring.

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Daniel Bryan rushes to get a chair.  Shouldn’t the Shield be pissed off at each other from last night?  They manage to play the numbers game on Daniel Bryan but he is rescued by his Wrestlemania 28 opponent, Sheamus.  Sheamus gets ambushed and beaten to the ground by the Shield too.  This leads to John Cena rushing to the ring to help.  Here comes your _____ vs. the Shield main event for tonight we’ve seen on so many RAWs.

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Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara look like ketchup and mustard bottles.  We are told the winning team of the main event (which is the 6 man tag) will be entered into the Elimination Chamber automatically.

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I really wish WWE had the balls to make the Real Americans racist against black people in addition to just Mexicans.  Sin Cara looks great in this match – so much for Luis Ignacio Juan Stefan blah blah Rico Suave-whatever-his-name-is saying he “OWNS” the Sin Cara character and that we’d never see Hunico as Sin Cara again.  As the Real Americans have trouble, Zeb yells at Swagger and begins slapping him to try to get him angry.   The Real Americans become more aggressive and dominant after the slap and manage to pull out the victory.  WE. THE PEOPLE.

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YES.  This is the best part of RAW.  Bad News Barrett bangs the gavel and asks for some DECORUM.  Barrett tells us that the Miz is going to fight Dolph Ziggler.  Wade says the match is called the Battle of Cleveland but it’s a good thing it’s the not the BATTLE FOR CLEVELAND because everyone in Cleveland is a loser.  I love this guy.  After a few WWE Network plugs, we get FANDANGO, who was eliminated by El Torrito in the Royal Rumble last night which is embarrassing.

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andango is fighting R-Truth in a “nobody cares” match.  Xavier Woods shaving his porno mustache is the most relevant part of this match. 

Now he just looks like Black Carlito.

Now he just looks like Black Carlito.

Also Emma is running around with her EMMA signs in the crowd again.  Fandango jobs to Truth for what feels like the 500th time.  When we come back Brad Maddox is here to introduce Randy Orton – unnecessary Brad Maddox appearances for 200, Alex.

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Randy Orton should be more interesting as a heel than he is right now.  I feel like I’m watching paint dry or being murdered by Chris Benoit every time he appears.  Orton whines about the Elimination Chamber even though there’s one every year.  This is interrupted by Batista who gets hit with the mixed reaction but mostly boos.

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At least he’s dressed like a heterosexual tonight.  Batista says he doesn’t care if it’s Orton, Cena, The Shield, Bryan or whoever else might win the chamber he’s back to be WWE World Heavyweight Champion. 

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Things go from bad to worse for Orton as his exit is blocked by Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman.  Lesnar believes he is the #1 contender for the title now. 

Four men and Brad Maddox are now in the ring. Heyman informs Maddox that Lesnar wants his title shot and he wants Maddox to tell the Authority he can either put Brock in a fight with Orton or in a fight with Batista.

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Miz and Ziggler are out here.  Anyone BILLED from being from Cleveland is cursed.  Ask Derrick Bateman, Chris Hero, or Kincaid Banten… err… Briley Pierce… err… Ryan Nemeth (same person).  Anyway as for this match I couldn’t care less because both Miz and Ziggler’s careers are in hell. 

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Rematch is just another word for rerun.

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Ugh.  Rybaxel.  I hate this team.  They are fighting the Usos.  I’m to the point where I don’t care about an Usos match unless it is for the tag titles (and it never is).  I definitely don’t give a damn about Axel and Ryback as a team.  Ryback’s tweets do not make Ryback on television entertaining – especially not when he’s locked into a tag team with the charisma vortex that is Curtis Axel. The Usos win after I fight insomnia from this match that I don’t care much about at all.  Del Rio vs. Kofi is up next. Are they TRYING to get me to turn this off?  The Following is on and I’d rather watch that.  After a match that feels like it was 1000 years old, Del Rio kicks Kofi in the head and pins him for the win.  That match was horribly long.  I felt my soul start to leave my body during that one.  Up next the Rhodes Brothers have a rematch against the New Age Outlaws.  Meanwhile it is only 10 PM.

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Goldust eliminated Cody Rhodes last night at the Royal Rumble so let’s hope the heel turn is upon us so that these two can be in a feud by Wrestlemania. 

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I’ll admit Gunn and Road Dogg look good for 75 years old.  Shouldn’t they be the Old Age Outlaws by now?  Gunn and Road Dogg also talk trash to the Rhodes Brothers about not being good enough, firing them up.  The crowd is dead despite the fact it’s not bad for a rematch.  This is because the rest of the show has put them into a coma.  For some reason, Brock Lesnar F5s Cody and Goldust mid-match because he wants an answer to whether he’s going to get a fight against Batista or Randy Orton.  He kills Goldust with a chair and also our chances of seeing the Rhodes’ split tonight.

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Here is an 8 Diva Tag Match nobody cares about other than the fact Aksana’s ass is more visible in her new ring gear.  It is ridiculous that “Total Divas” is a faction.  We have the Bella Twins, Naomi, and Cameron against AJ, Tamina, Aksana, and Alicia Fox.  This has 45 minutes left and doesn’t seem to be wowing me in any way.  The face Divas get the win when Naomi hits one of the Analizer on AJ.  The only good thing about tonight is the thing not even being done by WWE guys.  I see independent/AIW guys like Gregory Iron and Matt Cross doing things on Twitter like finding the Miz’s Dad and taking photos with him which is way more entertaining than RAW is tonight:

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The Miz’s Dad only has one facial expression.  And he is also way more over than the actual Miz.  After I get done laughing at this photo of Matt Cross and the Miz, we get Jerry Lawler in the middle of the ring to announce the next WWE Hall of Fame inductee for 2014.

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Jake Roberts. It’s well-deserved seeing as he’s one of the best promo guys ever – but I feel like WWE is doing it while he’s still sober out of fear he’s gonna relapse or die or something.  I bet another DVD is on the way out, too.  The Cena/Bryan/Sheamus vs. The Shield main event hits at 10:30.  I don’t want to watch 30 minutes of this.  I assume the Wyatts will have to appear.  I’m surprised CM Punk was nowhere to be found on the show (or Kane).  I don’t care about any of this, and I really have to take a dump.  I’m going to do that and I’m only going to write something else here if something else happens. Good match happens with predictable Wyatt Family run-in leading to a DQ meaning the faces are going to Elimination Chamber and the Shield is pissed off.  I’m glad it’s over regardless as it felt like a pretty rough RAW to follow a really rough Royal Rumble with to the point I question why I’ve wasted 6 hours of my life in 2 days watching this nonsense.