I told you all I was going to continue bringing out some JasonRivera.com throwbacks especially the comics books and more geek-oriented ones to compliment our guest on Asked w/Riv & Landin this week, Leva Bates. Today we take a look at some of the worst of the worst charcters to grace the pages of The Avengers - because not all of them would be really cool in a movie.
A while back I wrote an article called the Unimportant X-Men which featured the worst of the worst X-Men members. With a roster that changes as often as the X-Men, obviously you get some bad eggs on the team. That’s the problem with being a “School for Gifted Youngsters” (also known in comic books as “Mutants”) – the X-Men will let any angst-filled miserable teenager with powers he or she cannot control into their ranks in order to help them. The X-Men are second in roster size only to the Avengers, who have had just about everyone on their team and actually seem to have no true criteria to join them other than “be a superhero.” This has led to the Avengers letting just about anybody into the fold, so we’re going to take a look at some of the worst of the worst that have ever called themselves a member of this Super Hero team and prove that Nick Fury might need to have his one good eye checked. During this article I’ve linked a few of these awful heroes to Marion Wallace to get some extra commentary on them to make sure I wasn’t being a bit too harsh or too biased on these guys.
Really? That’s all you have to offer? You’re on a team with Gods, Super Soldiers, and guys who wrap themselves head-to-toe in the most powerful technology on the planet, and the best you can offer is riding a stupid Pegasus and swinging a sword?
Marion: Well he DID create a Pegasus.
Riv: Well Tony Stark created Iron Man Armor. Repulsor rays & smart bombs trump a stupid little winged pony.
Marion: Well the pony shows what a waste he is since he could be doing something meaningful instead of just making a single flying horse and calling it a day.
I can only imagine how hard Iron Man tried not to laugh at this guy while drunkenly flying past him with his rocket boots. “Nice horse, jackass!” Apparently the Black Knight was let on the team because he infiltrated the Masters of Evil once to show his dedication to the Avengers. They probably should have just handed him a desk job picking up Captain America’s coffee and called it a day. Also, I’m pretty sure that a winged horse shits just like a normal horse, and if they wanted a winged embarrassment to join the Avengers they’ve already had Warren Worthington (X-Men’s Angel) on the team on multiple occasions and at least he is potty trained.
Apparently the Black Knight wasn’t the Avengers first go-around at hiring worthless swordsmen. And this guy doesn’t even HAVE a flying horse. Instead he has what looks like a cheap knock-off of Hawkeye’s costume and a pedophile mustache. He probably spends most of the twilight of his years showing Franklin Richards his sword while offering him candy, or he would have done so if he didn’t die. Not only did he die but apparently he crumbled to dust after he did which is probably what Stan Lee should have let happen to the designs for this character to begin with.
If you grew up in the 60s and you ever said “The Swordsman” was your favorite super hero you deserve to be punched in the face.
Marion: So yes. He has literally nothing noteworthy about him other than carrying two guns. You’d think they’d be more creative considering all the drugs they were on in the 60’s.
Don’t we already have Hawkeye for this kind of thing?
While Clint Barton’s never had the best costume on the team, at least he doesn’t dress like something that strips naked at some fat woman’s third bachelorette party before her next failed marriage. Somehow “Woody from Toy Story cosplay” doesn’t sound like something that would strike fear into the hearts of Loki, the Red Skull, or Kang the Conqueror. There is just nothing cool about a guy who is always “thinking Arbys.” Oddly enough after 40 years they randomly retconned him into being Jewish for no reason whatsoever. Your guess is as good as mine.
Marion: Powers: Accompanies The Undertaker to the ring once a year at Wrestlemania.
This guy is basically a poor man’s Dr. Strange, which is also ridiculous as the Sorcerer Supreme has been an ally of the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes for years. Not only is he clearly a poor man’s Dr. Strange but he also doesn’t seem to make the money Dr. Strange does to buy things like lavish robes or Rogaine. He’s probably just some chump they hired for someone’s birthday party that never left, stuck around and they allowed on the team thanks to the “we will let anybody in” policy. Dr. Druid was also once known as Dr. Droom. If that’s not painting a target on your chest for Victor Von to blow you into pieces, I don’t know what is. Apparently Dr. Druid’s crowning achievement other than being Dollar Store Strange is that he graduated from Harvard. I’m pretty sure David Otunga would be more valuable as an Avenger than this guy.
Marion: That’s a fan fiction version of Wolverine and Daredevil’s sin baby.
That just should not happen. I hope Wolverine killed this guy. Sadly Wikipedia claims he is still alive and has joined a team called the “Revengers” which is basically just a group of Avengers nobody gave a damn about. Pretty much everyone in this article should be on that team, then.
Rage was apparently a kid in Brooklyn who was exposed to toxic waste on the way home from basketball practice (ever been to Brooklyn? It’s filled with waste – usually of the human variety). Apparently this caused him to go 13 going on 30 and become a muscular man in his mid-30s (which basically is what happens to every black male that goes through puberty anyway so I really don’t see what’s so special here).
Marion: “Encouraged by his grandmother to use his new found abilities for good, Elvin adopted a costume and name: Rage.” Yes, because when I think “Good and righteous”, the word rage is the first thing that comes to mind.
Apparently once Captain America found out that Rage was only a kid he never allowed him full membership into the Avengers. It’s probably more because it’s hard to look at this guy’s makeup and keep a straight face. Apparently Rage is affiliated with the New Warriors, which is pretty much the worst Superhero Team in existence.
Marion: So he’s in slightly better than average human shape… and has Rowdy Roddy Piper’s glasses from They Live?
This guy… has to be the worst character yet. Daredevil is blind and even HIS costume doesn’t look that shitty. Aside from looking like the ghost of Christmas Past, Present, and Future gangbanged this guy, the fact his power revolves 3-D goggles which make him able to detect Skrulls is absurd as well. I bet this guy sat at home jacking off until the Secret Invasion storyline against the Skrull race because it was then and only then that he became useful. Then again if he’s been around since the 1970s and the Skrulls had infiltrated our society years and years ago, why the hell didn’t he do anything about it when it started? What an asshole!
Marion: I don’t know if you read far enough down, but everytime the dude becomes 3-D Man, it puts his brother into a coma until he changes back. “Hal Chandler could, by concentrating on the image of his brother Chuck imprinted on his glasses, summon a super-powered version of his brother: 3-D Man. Chuck had a telepathic link with Hal, who would lose consciousness and become comatose when the 3-D Man is active; the 3-D Man’s consciousness is apparently a synthesis of Chuck and Hal’s mind’s, with Chuck’s usually dominant.”
Like I said before, this guy is a asshole.
Marion: Sensitive brain that senses motion: Also known as NEARLY EVERY HUMAN EVER, YOU DICKS!
Yeah, seriously… what the hell is this guy? Kinect for X-Box 360? I mean, aside from the really stupid “I sense motion” thing the rest of his powers are pretty cool but then he ruins the entire thing by being dressed like a giant playing card. I wonder if Gambit has ever charged him full of energy and tried to throw him. That’s about the only way we’re going to be rid of him since apparently he can sustain himself in space without dying from a lack of oxygen, which is unfortunate. Apparently Jack’s real name is “Jack Hart.” I guess he’s the Hart family member that Bret and Owen were ashamed of. They should have kept this douchebag in the dungeon and never let him back out.
Oh, somebody did. And he killed himself. Now I kind of feel like a prick for making fun of a suicidal guy. Oops.
Oh, he’s Asian and smart. Isn’t that every foreign exchange student ever? I’m not really sure why you need this skinny little runt on a team that has several geniuses already such as Dr. Henry Pym, Tony Stark, the Vision, and happens to have Reed Richards on speed-dial if they need him.
Marion: “Amadeus is a teenager gifted with a super-genius mind, bearing the “natural ability to identify the variables and quantum possibilities in any situation”. He is described by Reed Richards as being the seventh most intelligent person in the world, though Hank Pym claims that, with his return, Amadeus is actually the eighth. However, it was actually a Skrull who impersonated Pym who gave this statement. Meanwhile, Bruce Banner claims he is actually the tenth, but later says to the Leader that Cho is one of the eight smartest.” This guy is so boring that the comics have to argue over exactly where he ranks in the top smart guys just to make him matter.
This kid should probably be delivering the Avengers General Tso’s chicken on his stupid little scooter. I guess in his defense at least he’s not wearing 3-D glasses or dressed like a playing card. But considering the fact this is a mid-2000s character, it just shows that comic book writers and artists are seriously starting to run out of ideas.
Marion: She also has “unexplored mystical powers”. In other words “If we ever decide to not make her a pointless piece of garbage, we gave ourselves an out.”
Apparently Tigra was introduced as “The Cat” who debuted along Night Nurse and Shanna the She-Devil which was an attempt for Marvel to cater to a female fanbase.
Oh, that’s not a blatant and complete rip-off of DC’s Catwoman at all. How did Stan Lee not get sued into oblivion for this? I bet it’s because nobody in their right mind even noticed or cared about this comic series enough for him TO get sued. Tigra eventually was transformed in the comics to a full-fledged cat person in an era that was bogged down with Wolverine, Wolfsbane, Feral, and various other characters based on animals with claws. Come to think of it there was a point in time where Marvel Comics looked like one great big Furry convention. The only crowning achievement I can think of in Tigra’s career is being ranked 61st in Comics Buyer’s Guide’s “100 Sexiest Women in Comics” which means that there are a lot of you out there that would have sex a giant cat. I hope none of you who voted her in are allowed to have pets, ever.
Moon Knight was an Avenger? Moon Knight sucked ass. Screw you. We’re not even justifying this guy with an entry, because he sucked so badly. Get the f--- out, Moon Knight.
Marion: So basically her powers are: to be in really good shape.
Technically it’s hard to hate on Mockingbird because of “dat ass.” Then again we already have Black Widow and Spider-Woman who fill the exact same role Mockingbird does (having a big ass) on the team. Mockingbird is blonde whereas Spider-Woman’s a brunette and Natasha is a red-head. The only reason Mockingbird is on the team is for those moments Stark would rather nail a blonde than the other two. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I could see if U.S. Agent offered anything new to the mix, but he’s essentially just Captain America with an uglier, grayer costume, and less charisma. He apparently even subbed in as Captain America for a little while when Captain America temporarily gave up that identity due to his first suspension for his violation of the Avengers Initiative Wellness Policy.
At this point Booker T noticed a more aggressive side to Captain America when he viciously assaulted Daniel Bryan after the team lost a tag team match which caused the commentator to question if this was the same Captain America in his “fave five.” It wasn’t until the real Captain America showed up that Michael Cole, Josh Mathews and Booker T were exceptionally confused as to what was going on.
This led to there being two Captain Americas: Captain America Azul and Captain America Negro. Eventually we found out that Captain America Negro was Captain America originally but Captain America Azul showed up which caused Captain America Negro to become Captain America of Juarez Mexico. Eventually however when the Avengers toured Mexico, Captain America Azul won the rights to become the only Captain America and U.S. Agent now spends his time on a low-rider bicycle with his homie, Camacho.
I might have gotten that mixed up with an angle from the WWE. Sorry. Anyway, U.S. Agent blows.
Marion: Apparently, the second Ant Man is the only of the three that doesn’t seem to have the power to grow. What a useless piece of crap.
Not to be confused with Henry Pym, who is awesome despite being the King of Domestic Violence, this version of Ant-Man can only grow smaller, not scale his size and become Giant Man. Nor is he even above average intelligence like the good wife-beating doctor Henry Pym, and thus is a waste of space. My guess is that his ability to shrink allows him to do things in the office like clear paper jams, or find out what’s wrong with the coffee maker. Other than that there isn’t much use for a guy who shrinks if he’s not smart or able to grow up to 100 feet tall. How have the prevented the Hulk from accidentally eating this guy?
Marion: That’s IT?!? JUST Telekinesis?
Riv: Marion… I can’t hate on Vance Astrovik. One, because wherever he went Firestar was virtually always with him so I almost have to count them as one entity, and she was really good. Secondly, He was a FOUNDING member of the New Warriors. I can’t just pick on a FOUNDING member of the New Warriors. They all sucked. That’s like picking on crippled people.
Marion: But you wrote an entire article making Christopher Reeve Jokes once, so you DO pick on crippled people.
Riv: … … …shit.
Marion: So basically he turns into a Japanese Wrestler’s finishing move.
So just think, all those times Lord Tensai, Muta, Tajiri use green mist, they are spitting “Amazing Man” at you. I might have to start calling Green Mist “Amazing Man” in my recaps from now on. Apparently Marvel Comics thought his name was stupid when they bought out the company that created him. They decided to give him a much better name… “The Prince of Orphans.” Oh yeah that’s CLEARLY a MUCH better name.
Marion: Oh come on! His powers are: Asian.
Is this seriously the best they could come up with? Mr. Miyagi is apparently an Avenger, on a team where most people have impressively spectacular super powers AND all already know martial arts. I’m pretty sure throwing useless shurikens with pinpoint accuracy does something against the likes of Ultron and other heavily-armored, dangerous foes, equipped with laser beams, reality-shifting powers, and cosmic energy. You remember that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where that guy shows off with his melee weapons skills and then Indiana Jones shoots him? That’s a pretty accurate summary of this guy’s usefulness or lack thereof.
So what have we learned today, kids? It’s not just regular run-of-the-mill companies that make mistakes in the hiring process, even super hero groups that we charge with protecting us from threats to the entire planet and the galaxy make mistakes. They can’t all be winners but I guess someone needs to protect the world while Tony is drunk, Captain America is on ice, or Thor is playing World of Warcraft over in Asgard. Maybe I can be an Avenger.
I am so much cooler than Moon Knight.