Recap: WWE NXT (Jan. 22, 2014)

Time to do NXT recaps. To be honest I’ve been running around all day and this is the last thing I want to do – it would be like coming home, relaxing, taking your pants off, and suddenly a dentist comes in with his rusty tools and gives you a root canal.  But I have a civic duty to entertain the masses (all 7 of you) who actually care what goes on in WWE Developmental.

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Byron Saxton, Tom Phillips and EdWood… err… Tensai bring us the action.  We are told that Bo Dallas is going to have a celebration for his 224th day as NXT Champion.

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Eden Stiles is back also known as Brandi (Reed) Rhodes.  If you remember she was a Diva and ring announcer here for about five minutes then left the company to pursue a relationship with Cody Rhodes.  I have to give her credit for deciding to part ways with the company rather than be one of “those girls” while in it.  I don’t mind her. Cody married well; she’s easy on the eyes.

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Adrian Neville is opening up the show. As of recently he has been feuding with Tyler Breeze and Bo Dallas.  He’s arguably one of the best on the program which probably means they’ll spend more time pushing the likes of Alexander Rusev to the main roster even though Neville deserves the spot way more.

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His opponent is a piece of “enhancement talent” from San Antonio, TX known as Wesley Blake who looks more like he’s going to star in the lead role in some sort of Cowboy porn.  Brokeback Mountain over here doesn’t impress me and it’s only been ten seconds.  The match begins and the crowd is 100% behind Neville, while the commentators try to give us fluff and attempt to create the possibility that Wesley Blake has a “huge opportunity” and a “chance to win.”  We know he has no chance of winning and should be sent to the glue factory.  Neville eventually drops this guy and hits the red arrow for the victory. 

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And out comes the worst (and possibly only) faction on NXT, the “BFFS,” a group consisting of 3 women attempting to be Lay-Cool or PMS or…something.  Why does Sasha Banks’ lipstick always look like she just got done eating a bloodied pig fetus?  This group isn’t even physically attractive enough to offset their horrible promos.  This promo is an attempt to explain Charlotte being out with an injury for the past month or two with the fact she has “enjoyed the benefits of being a BFF.”  What benefits would those be?  Bad makeup and a hook nose?  Charlotte cuts a painfully bad promo about how Bayley sucks and life isn’t about hugs and headbands.  Summer Rae adds that 2014 will be the “Year of the BFFS” and that she has a match against Natalya.  I feel like we’ve seen that match so many times on RAW that I don’t care about it here on NXT.  If Summer Rae is the best talker in your faction, your faction blows.

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Xavier Woods is out here to “Somebody Call My Momma.”  His NXT theme was more fitting in my opinion not to mention I’m not really sure why we had this whole “Oh he’s black so he should use ‘Somebody Call My Momma’” thing to begin with.    Speaking of Woods, Johnny Landin and I discussed with Leva Bates on Asked w/Riv and Landin #191 last night, THIS Christmas photo which contains Woods and might be the best photo of all-time:

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I feel like that belongs on his Titantron. We are told this is a rematch from a few weeks ago when Woods was destroyed by Alexander “worse than AIDS” Rusev on NXT.  Ugh. Rusev matches.  I feel like if I died and went to hell I’d be forced to watch nothing but infinite Rusev matches.

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Rusev looks like the kind of guy who smells like ham & feet in real life who you can’t wait to get the hell away from.  If WWE wants Alexander Rusev to be successful they should just package him as the bastard child of Bastion Booger and a mail-order prostitute from Bulgaria.

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A sign behind Rusev reads “Enough of This Guy!”  At least I know I am not the only one who is sick of Rusev who seems to be on EVERY episode of NXT.  You do the match:  NXT has 4 tapings a session.  Rusev is on every week – that means the people who bought tickets see Rusev 4 TIMES PER SHOW.  What did anyone do to deserve that?  That’s worse than what Hitler did to the Jewish people in World War II.  Tensai puts Rusev in the vein of guys like Batista and Lesnar.  What is earth?  Rusev ultimately wins with his Camel Clutch.

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It looks like an obese super-size Danny DeVito is assaulting Xavier Woods in this photo.  I’d rather see DeVito in a ring than Rusev, though. Rusev locks the Camel Clutch in after the match once again at Lana’s command.  Suddenly I Can’t Believe It’s Not The Real Sin Cara comes out here and makes the save.

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Hunico/Sin Cara and Xavier Woods escape because we minorities have to stick together and band against even smaller minorities such as Bulgarians to stop them from taking over!

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Ugh.

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And I’ve fixed it… and confirmed Bo Dallas does in fact cause cancer.

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AND just when you thought that this episode of NXT could not get any worse we top it off with a CJ Parker match.  Need I remind you what I explained about Parker last week in this very recap?  He is the cherry on top of any NXT “shit sundae” and tonight is no exception.  Sure, Antonio Cesaro is good but… it’s CJ Parker.  I sort of just face-palm at this point.

At this point NXT is hardly worth watching.  Go figure HHH has big plans to put it on the WWE Network at the point where developmental is a really big joke.

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The crowd goes nuts for Cesaro who is supposed to be a heel with a giant WE. THE PEOPLE chant in unison.  Any offense CJ Parker gets in on Cesaro gets booed severely.  He even hits his own spinning move on Cesaro and not one person likes it.  They go nuts when Cesaro counters into his Cesaro swing and begins spinning Parker around.  I wish he would send Parker into orbit.  One Neutralizer later and CJ Parker is hopefully dead.

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Seth Rogen, star of the 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up and This is The End comes out here to challenge Antonio Cesaro to a match when he gets better.  In actuality this is Sami Zayn (aka El Generico), and indy marks believe this feud between Zayn and Cesaro that has been going on for months on NXT single-handedly makes up for the fact we are subjected to being overdosed on Rusev, CJ Parker matches, Bo Dallas’ general existence, awful Diva promos and the Ascension never doing anything of remote importance whatsoever.  He wants another match because we need some sort of meat to dangle on the string to keep the mongoloids in attendance coming to NXT shows.  Cesaro denies Zayn a rematch but we all know it’s going to happen anyway.

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And with the Miz’s arrival I’ve decided that I’m going to go take a shit because that’s more important than anything he has to say.  Miz says NXT needs MizTV (Please, no) but is interrupted by CJ Parker (because WWE just had to put that cherry on top of the shit sundae AGAIN), and he is upset because the people keep booing him over and over. This leads into one of the lamest conversations ever between two guys that make me want to throw myself off a cliff.  Parker slaps Miz and runs away which means these two will be wrestling soon.  Renee Young joins the commentary table causing us to have a FOUR PERSON booth during a Divas match between Natalya and Summer Rae.  Bayley is in Natalya’s corner and Sasha will be in Summer’s corner.  I feel like our “interview” with Natalya on Asked with Riv and Landin Episode 190 is actually more important than anything going on with her here and it wasn’t even real:

I can’t wait until a bunch of stupid marks come fighting me over it like they did with our AJ Lee Parody video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaykOxzSUeQ – I decide I don’t care about this feud.  I can’t stand looking at Summer’s beak or Sasha’s makeup and that this isn’t worth watching.  Natalya defeats Summer Rae and for some reason someone else’s music plays for no reason.

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I don’t know why these guys crack me up but Enzo Amore’s custom wheelchair is probably the highlight of this entire lackluster, awful, painful episode of NXT. Enzo uses a bunch of metaphors to answer questions about his injury and nobody is sure what the hell he is talking about so Colin Cassady explains it to us and that “Enzo” will make a full recovery.  Aiden English gets involved and talks trash to Cassady leading to Enzo running Aiden’s foot over.  We now cut to the Cancer Causing Ceremony.

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I get cancer.  It’s still less painful than this episode of NXT. The end.

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Oh and as I die the last thing I see is Adrian Neville vs. Bo Dallas in a beat-the-clock match where if Adrian Neville beats the clock (and he does) he receives an NXT title match.  I’ll be busy dying of cancer in the hospital with John Cena making wishes for me and a bunch of dying kids. Thank you.

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