And here we have another throwback article from the JasonRivera.com archives in a week where we see to be focusing a lot on comics and nerdy things between an overwhelming amount of wrestling content. In this article, I took a look at some of the more useless and worthless members of the X-Men (and other X-Men related teams). Keep in mind this article was written about 6 or 7 years ago and so if any of these characters have managed to become more powerful or interesting in that time it's not taken into account. In Riv's world, though, Rogue still has super strength and flies, so don't come crying to me about inconsistency. Thanks.
I’d have to say of all the comics out there that my favorite all-time growing up were the X-Men, a group of people – mutants with superpowers out to save a world who hates and fears them. However over the years there have been so many changes to the X-Men roster that I think this team has had more members than South Dakota has people living there.
While the X-Men had some amazing characters, favorites such as Cyclops, Nightcrawler, Beast, Gambit, and the ever-popular Wolverine, not every character can be a claw-wielding tough guy, or made of metal, or able to shoot lasers out his eyes. When your roster is a revolving door of superheroes, and you have so many different writers with conflicting and contrasting ideas, you’re bound to have a few bad ones slip through the cracks and put on a tight-fitting outfit with an X on it. So here are some of my picks for my least favorite, and in my opinion worthless so-called heroes that got to grace the pages of the X-Men (or some of the other X-titles).
Thunderbird debuted in Giant Size X-Men #1 as a powerful Native-American type character. Frankly I think the only reason he existed was because the X-Men of 1975 were the United Nations between Nightcrawler (Germany), Wolverine (Canada), Storm (Africa), Banshee (Ireland), Colossus (Russia) and Sunfire (Japan). Looking like a stereotypical Indian Native American, Proudstar was stronger and faster than the average guy.
What use is that when you have Colossus who is basically everything Thunderbird was, only better? Well apparently someone eventually realized this, but instead of sending John back to the reservation they made him die in a plane crash. No big loss. However, although he died relatively quickly, Professor X bitches and whines and mourns his death all the goddamn time, to a standout amount over other dead X-Men who were more useful.
Unfortunately this wasn’t the last of Thunderbird…
Warpath is the younger brother of Thunderbird. He looks exactly like him, has all the same powers (plus flight) and is equally as worthless. In fact his name was originally Thunderbird II OMGWTF SEQUEL!!! However unlike Thunderbird he’s not dead. I have my fingers crossed that will change one day.
It amazes me that with a power like that Doug Ramsey made it onto an actual superhero team let alone was thrown into the field with no prior or current combat training. Let’s say the New Mutants were attacked by Apocalypse. Cypher has two choices:
--Curse at him in Swahili.
Eventually Doug Ramsey took option 2 and died (at the hands of a D-List Super Villain by the way), revealing his true mutant power to be the human shield for more important characters like Wolfsbane. No one really missed him who existed outside the pages of The New Mutants. He was in the wrong profession anyway. He could have just been a Spanish III teacher and lived a normal life. Not like he was a blatant or obvious mutant (like Beast for example) anyway. Word to the wise: Doug Ramsey was a lesson in “live realistically.” If you can’t shoot lasers, you’re probably going to die.
Longshot has never just wowed me with any major accomplishments during his short, unsuccessful stint as a member of the X-Men. The guy comes from a dimension called the Mojoverse, apparently crossed over to our world and joined the X-Men, and with his mutant luck abilities that basically make him some sort of Austin Powers around women, I’m sure men everywhere have been wishing he’d go back to where he came from for a long time now.
He’s extraordinarily agile, and has only three fingers on each hand (yet women still want him to touch their breasts? Eww). He also has good aim. Basically take the fur and coolness out of Nightcrawler and give him an awful haircut, and you have Longshot.
Dazzler is horrible. A disco, pop, rock, country, rap, whatever-the-hell musician she is (they have changed it so many times), she joined the X-Men where she used her powers to turn sound into light and basically do nothing but blind people all the time. Add to that a ridiculous outfit and you have the Britney Spears of the X-Men Universe.
She was so annoying that it wasn’t uncommon to see covers of her getting bitchslapped like the one above, albeit Rogue was much uglier back in the day… Gross. If she still looked like that maybe she’d be in the article, too, solely for being ugly.
Dazzler was of little use to anyone and eventually got romantically involved with the equally worthless Longshot, and they allegedly brought Shatterstar into this world who was considerably worth more than the sum of his parts.
When this is the best photo of a character I can find, you KNOW they suck.
Skids – for a short time she was a member of the New Mutants with her boyfriend Rusty. Other than being completely dull and uncharismatic at all, to the point I think even a few comic book cards basically summed her up as one entity WITH Rusty.
Her abilities were able to generate force fields, and while this doesn’t sound useless on paper, when you’re surrounded by high level telekinetic characters like Jean Grey at every turn who can do this ANYWAY, and flanked by characters who are already invulnerable, making a force field seems kind of worthless if you have no other powers. At least turn invisible or have tits like Jessica Alba or something.
Synch gets on this list, not because his power is so bad (because he's basically Rogue without the need for skin contact), not because Generation X bombed, but simply because of one reason. When he uses his powers it looks something like this:
Synch was nothing more than Marvel's Walking Gay Pride Flag.
Forge is the X-Men’s resident inventor guy with a natural power to build any kind of machine… Wow! This is just a big excuse by the writers to make a device that does ANYTHING and put it in X-Men’s pages. Did we really need a knock-off of something we basically have Reed Richards do, but do better?
Want a Dildoblender? How about a can opener that jacks you off at the same time? Forge can make it, but… if he can make ANY type of machine, how hard is it to say “I want a machine that can bring back dead character 120,” or “I want a machine that instantly makes Apocalypse go away?”
Yeah, some power. He’s just a walking issue of Popular Mechanics. Plus I feel like Beast has all the bases covered for “really smart X-Man.”
Siryn represents a huge pet peeve of mine: Recycling an entire character as another person. The daughter of Banshee, Siryn is basically the exact same person only with tits and a vagina. I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes.
YUCK! MY EYES NEVERMIND! ONTO THE NEXT X-MAN NOW!!!
Aside from having the grossest mutant power of all time, our friend Angelo also happens to be a generic stereotypical gang-bangin’ spic. Eventually his past of drinking 40s and listening to reggaeton killing people while worshipping Holy Santos comes back to him and not unlike the ultimate Holy Santos, Jesus Christ, he died when he was crucified on the X-Men’s lawn along with Jubilee and Magma. Angel only had the power to revive one. Sorry Skin, you are not an instant winner.
Guido is by far one of the worst X-Men "tanks." Debuting in the New Mutants series, and eventually resurfacing sometime in the ‘90s as a member of X-Factor, Guido couldn’t even think of a cool codename for himself – he’s that boring. There literally was an entire episode where he dedicated his time to thinking of a code name and came up with “Strong Guy.” Wow. Just wow.
Strong Guy is just that. A Strong Guy – and as most strong guys in the X-Men universe he falls horrible short behind powerhouses of the X-Men world such as Colossus, Rogue, and The Juggernaut. Strong Guy is so bad that he makes Thunderbird look almighty in comparison. Amazingly unlike most of the other useless characters on this list he is still alive for some odd reason. Someone at Marvel must have masturbation fantasies about this guy.
Basically take the already-worthless Longshot’s mutant power, subtract the superhuman agility and give him a big gun and you have Domino. Oh, and the nickname? Caused by the fact she looks like she belongs on the back of a fire truck. That’s just goofy.
Anyone with a gun can be Domino. Sure, you can manipulate luck, but luck only takes you so far – it’s skill that does the talking. Anyway, rather than helping X-Force, she should like give me the lottery numbers or better yet, bitch should be making Cable a sandwich.
Cable doesn’t even have to punch or abuse Domino as she already has a black eye.
Stacy X was a former prostitute until she joined the X-Men using her powers of being able to psionically control pheromones to make guys cum without ever having to even have sex with them. I honestly don’t know much about her, because I found her existence mostly through Wikipedia, but I do know that I’m not remotely intimidated by that mutant power. What the hell happens when Stacy X is sent to the front lines of the X-Men?
“Magneto is attacking! I’m going to make him ejaculate prematurely!”
“I had too much Cream of Wheat today, Charles, but after I clean this up, there will be a day of reckoning!”
That may hold Magneto at bay or something, but what happens when you get attacked by real slobs like The Blob, Sauron, Black Tom Cassidy, or Mr. Sinister? Really nasdty guys like that aren’t going to stop attacking over a few cum-stains or soiled costumes.
Although not dead, after the events of the recent “Decimation” story-arc, Stacy X has lost her mutant powers and has become an actual prostitute, being forced to actually let horny men stick it in. I call it karma for all the mind-jacking she’s done in her life.
And now, I save the best (and most arguable with other comic fans) for last:
Angel was THE definitive worthless X-Man. As a member of the original five X-Men in 1963, Warren Worthington stunk up comic pages for a long time. What use was flight when Jean Grey could levitate the ENTIRE TEAM? Basically while Iceman got to freeze people and Beast got to roll up into a Blanka-style ball and launch himself at people, and Jean could levitate gigantic objects and Cyclops could shoot lasers, the best the Angel could do was pick up a 2x4 or a pipe or a rock, and attempt to bludgeon you to death.
Warren would remain worthless for the next two decades or so until sometime during X-Factor he had his wings cut off, and turned into the cybernetic Archangel, allowing him to paralyze people and shoot razor sharp projectiles out of metal wings. Although as of recent times Worthington has lost his metal wings and regained his worthless 1963 Angel wings, the fact that his abilities now include the power to heal and in some cases revive the dead keep his second incarnation, the Archangel, off this list. But boy did this guy suck some crippled Professor Charles Xavier balls for the first twenty years of his career.
So that’s it and that’s all for my worthless X-Men of all-time list. So just remember kiddies, every time you pray to God for superhero powers before you go to bed, remember, that there’s a chance that God has a sense of humor and will simply respond by giving you special powers which make you even MORE of a loser.