Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (Jan. 20, 2014)

Well, it’s almost time for RAW and Dave Batista is supposed to be back tonight, so expect tons of people on Twitter to take photos and make memes.  It’s also Martin Luther King Jr. Day which means that Vince McMahon will probably have a vignette air before RAW begins that screams “I swear I don’t hate black people.”  Now we know why Kofi Kingston won last week; Vince thought it was MLK Day LAST week.  I think they should gather up all the black superstars they have tonight and have Bad News Barrett tell them he has some BAD NEWS then bring out the local police force.  But this isn’t the Attitude era, and I’m sure people are offended I even spoke that into existence.  Oh, well.  Besides, Brodus is the only heel black person right now – the light-skinned guy!  And no, Alicia doesn’t count because she’s both face and heel simultaneously at any given time like some sort of AlicInception.

I'd hit it.  The chick... not Agent Gibbs.

I'd hit it.  The chick... not Agent Gibbs.

On the last few minutes of NCIS they are arresting a moderately hot chick.  She asks to be frisked but the dude won’t do it.  You know how I know he’s gay?  He doesn’t want to grope the hell of that woman. 

"Keep The Dream Alive."  It's a bit too late for that.  Just check your local Craigslist, where race relations are set back about 50 years due to all the prostitution.

"Keep The Dream Alive."  It's a bit too late for that.  Just check your local Craigslist, where race relations are set back about 50 years due to all the prostitution.

I told you that would open up RAW.  Pretty sure Vince would be singing a different tune if Steph had hooked up with D’Lo Brown instead of HHH.  Speaking of which, THE AUTHORITY, everybody!

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HHH and Stephanie McMahon explain how the Royal Rumble works in case we didn’t already know that.  HHH says it is an honor as tonight we welcome one of the 30 men in the Royal Rumble back to RAW and as he’s about to welcome back a FORMER MEMBER OF EVOLUTION, the wrong one comes out. 

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Maybe Orton is confused and actually THOUGHT that they meant for Randy Orton to come out?  Orton snaps on Hunter and Stephanie and Stephanie makes sure to snap back.  Stephanie somehow turns this into a commercial for the WWE Network, and claims because of the Network more eyes are on the WWE than ever which means more people than ever saw Orton beat the crap out of John Cena Sr. They act like this hasn’t happened like 12 times to John Cena Sr.  Orton puts the blame on the Authority for putting Orton under this pressure and then adds that HHH brought back Brock Lesnar and Batista out of spite for Randy Orton.  HHH gives Orton a parental lecture to Orton and also puts him in a SECOND match against Kofi Kingston (which Kofi will inevitably lose).  HHH then says when John Cena gets here, Randy Orton is going to make it right (which means apologize) and Randy will do these things ALONE. 

Who told Batista dressing like this was a good idea and why?

Who told Batista dressing like this was a good idea and why?

To add insult to injury Batista is here and he is dressed like a roided-out bald Elvis.

"What the f*** is Dave wearing?"

"What the f*** is Dave wearing?"

Orton even looks at Batista as if to say “what the hell is he wearing?”  The Authority leaves Orton in the ring with Batista but Batista being the dick that he is won’t shake Orton’s hand.  Big Dave casually says “hello” to Randy and explains he is back because he wants the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and he doesn’t care if its Orton, Cena, or anyone else, he is back to win the Rumble and he is back to be champion and he is back to headline Wrestlemania.

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Nobody cares about Face to Face confrontations.  I’m not really diging Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show.

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Elsewhere on the card we will have a random six-man tag because we have no other way to use the Shield for any sort of purpose.  That match is up after the commercials.  I sort of nod off.  I feel like this is a waste.  4 people in this match are champions and we have no idea what we’re doing with any of them.  The Shield gets the win after a lengthy match.  Rollins hits the Blackout on Big E and gets the victory.  Up next we are reminded that Daniel Bryan turned on the Wyatt Family because WWE creative realized they had no idea what they were going to do if they kept Daniel Bryan with the Wyatt Family for any length of time.  Things you should probably have an idea about BEFORE you do them, WWE.  Up next Bryan will break his silence because even though it was 2 weeks, WWE is going to act like it was 6 months.  I’ve had dumps that took longer than Daniel Bryan’s stint in the Wyatt Family.

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Bryan explains that to join the Wyatt Family he had to do things he wasn’t proud of which makes it sound like Harper, Rowan and Wyatt took turns with his anus.  Daniel Bryan says they may want people to follow the buzzards but he doesn’t follow anyone and last week he chewed on the carcass of Bray Wyatt.  We are told Bryan vs. Wyatt will happen at the Rumble and it is implied neither Daniel Bryan nor Bray Wyatt will be in the Royal Rumble match as a result of that – what a waste.

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Bray Wyatt appears and says where he comes from a traitor is the lowest thing you can be and talks about Bryan returning to the cage of society that he flew away from.  The promo work here is great.  He tells Bryan to go home to his mother, hug her and tell her he is sorry because everything that happens to Daniel Bryan from this point on is his fault.  He cuts the transmission and we cut to commercials.  Bray Wyatt is an excellent promo guy which makes up for the fact he came from the same semen and eggs that produced Bo Dallas.

Up next Xavier Woods takes on Fandango.  Will laugh if the black guy loses.

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Fandango wins ridiculously fast and Emma is shown briefly in the crowd as Summer Rae and Fandango make their exit. 

WWE's next gay power couple.

WWE's next gay power couple.

Kane and Brad Maddox argue like retarded children and Stephanie interrupts to scold Kane for chokeslamming CM Punk next week.  She demands Kane apologize to CM Punk because now that he is part of the Authority he is not allowed to put his hands on anyone else on the roster. 

Are we sure that's not a statue of Teddy Long?

Are we sure that's not a statue of Teddy Long?

Really? We’re going to be reminded on the hour it is Martin Luther King Jr. Day?  Meanwhile the Director of Operations, Kane, is on the way to the ring to issue this apology to CM Punk. 

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Punk makes his way to the ring laughing and mocking Kane, claiming that apparently it is APOLOGY TIME.  I wonder if Punk and Kane are going to fight over Daniel Bryan’s sloppy seconds AJ Lee again?  Kane apologizes as much as it pains him to do so.  Punk claims he didn’t hear Kane talk loud enough.  Punk accepts the apology but attacks Kane, sending him outside.  Brad Maddox interjects before Kane can retaliate because he’s not supposed to and makes them Punk fight Billy Gunn instead.  Road Dogg supplies guest commentary which 15 years ago would have been awesome.  Now it just sounds strict and somewhat watered down.  We are also informed at this point that the New Age Outlaws have a tag title shot coming up against Cody Rhodes and Goldust.  Could you imagine the New Age Outlaws as tag team champions in 2014?  Punk manages to toss Billy Gunn outside on one side of the ring allowing him to run outside the other and beat on Road Dogg.  Punk even has enough time to make it back inside the ring and continue the assault on Mr. Ass without losing a step.  Road Dogg manages to pull Gunn out of the ring before the CM Punk flying elbow.  Punk drops Road Dogg but this allows Billy Gunn time to recover. Just when it looks like Gunn is going to pick up the win, CM Punk manages to hit a GTS on Gunn for the victory.  After his victory, Brad Maddox congratulates CM Punk but is interrupted by Kane who is still angry, and returns to inform CM Punk that every number in the Royal Rumble is drawn at random EXCEPT CM Punk who will now be entered in at #1.  Kane just gained a level, and became a Level 25 Asskisser, and gained +9 points in Corporate Sabotage.

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Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman are arriving at the arena.  Catering will never be the same again.  WWE takes this moment to give us a bunch of Royal Rumble statistics and also play a video to pay tribute to the late Mae Young who passed away (for real this time) last week. After all the video footage how do we get rewarded?

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With the world’s biggest little lizard-man, Rey Mysterio.  Rey feels really lost in the shuffle now that he’s back.  There’s nothing they can do with him… …except make him fight Alberto Del Rio again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and… I’d rather watch the commercials.  It’s only 9:30 at this point and it feels like 10:45.  Can this please end?  Del Rio wins after a match that is a million years long.  And we STILL have Kofi vs. Randy Orton again tonight!  This is horrible.  After the match, Batista’s music hits for the second time. 

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Let’s get another good look at Batista’s ugly clothing.  Batista holds Del Rio a bit too long before issuing the spinebuster.  I believe that’s called “ring rust.”  He follows with the Batista Bomb on Del Rio and plays up to the crowd. 

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LOOK HOW BIG THAT KID’S LIPS ARE!  Oh… was that racially insensitive?  I mean it was true.  Big Show and Brock Lesnar talking are up next and I could not care less.  Someone will probably flip a table or throw a chair or something like that but I don’t think there’s anything Big Show and Brock Lesnar could do that would demand my attention.

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Usually looking at AJ Lee would give me a boner and a smile.  This RAW has almost put me into a coma though.

I've got some BAD NEWS for you. The price of Valtrex to control your genital herpes has just gone up 20%.

I've got some BAD NEWS for you. The price of Valtrex to control your genital herpes has just gone up 20%.

Earlier tonight Wade Barrett gave AJ Lee SOME BAD NEWS during her party to celebrate being the longest-reigning Divas Champion in history.  Barrett explained that everyone on the roster hates her.  AJ had a breakdown and ended up slamming a cake on Tamina by accident.

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BECAUSE IT IS BLACK HISTORY MONTH THE BLACK GIRLS ARE GOING TO BE ON TELEVISION THIS WEEK.  Why is Cameron still face if they spend so much time pushing her as a bitch nobody likes on Total Divas?

I had a dream. A wet one. About them doing this with my face in between their asses.

I had a dream. A wet one. About them doing this with my face in between their asses.

ASS TA’ ASS, THAT’S WHY!  Fun fact:  Naomi blocked me on Twitter because her brother attacked me on Facebook for making comments about eating her ass with a spoon.  I then told him I wanted to live inside of her ass as a reply and EdWood began hitting on Naomi’s ass.  These are probably all reasons Facebook has banned me for life, by the way.  Naomi gets the MLK victory.  AJ screams because she forgot today was Martin Luther King Day meaning that the difficulty level of all black people is currently set to “Legend.”  The Usos take on the Wyatts next which I couldn’t care less about because that’s virtually the same as last week, too.  I have to fight to stay awake during RAW.

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YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH.  Randomly in the middle of the match Bray Wyatt cuts another creepy promo and begins laughing.  Eventually after this long match transpires, Daniel Bryan rushes Bray Wyatt, and the distraction allows the Usos to roll up Luke Harper for the win. Okay.  Couldn’t we have done that sooner and not made me almost fall asleep?  Don’t get me wrong: I don’t mind long matches – when there is a story to go with them.  When it’s rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat from last week though it gets boring, tedious and tiring.

3 Old Men and a Metrosexual.

3 Old Men and a Metrosexual.

This match is on the pre-show.

3 more old men.

3 more old men.

These people are on the pre-show.  Basically if you like senior citizens, the WWE Royal Rumble Pre-Show is for you.  Orton vs. Kofi Kingston is up next.

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I simply do not care.  In all of it I forgot John Cena was angry about his father.  He arrives at the arena mid-way through the match.  He’s late, dude.  That’s a first and final in any other job.  Kofi Kingston loses by disqualification when Cena attacks Orton and destroys him which is your go-home for the Royal Rumble.  Orton escapes into a car and runs away – yep – that’s right, Randy Orton stole a car to end the show.  That’s an automatic 2-star wanted level.  If Stephanie was upset Orton beat up an old person what’s she going to think about him committing a felony?  We close Monday Night RAW and not a moment too soon.  It felt long, hard, and painful.  Like a black dick.  Well… it is Martin Luther King Day. Maybe it was his dick.