Recap: WWE NXT (Jan. 1, 2014)

The New Year means it is time for me to do wrestling recaps again, at least until the next time I get sick and tired of doing them and take a long break – that means NXT and RAW recaps (no Smackdown since nothing of note actually happens on it for the most part).  It’s time to punish myself watching NXT.  Let’s see who is on here.  You know who isn’t on here though?  Kincaid Banten NXT. Why?  Because he’s not even real.  If you thought he was real, I question your intelligence level.  If you thought he was me or Johnny Landin you are mistaken; he is the former NXT talent Ryan Nemeth/Briley Pierce.

...and I would have gotten away with it, too!!!

...and I would have gotten away with it, too!!!

Yes we are aware it is the most disappointing unmasking ever. Kind of like the time the Green Goblin was unmasked in the Spider-Man comics and ended up being Harry Osborn’s psychiatrist. Seriously, what a crappy storyline that was.  If you want the entire story you have to listen to Episode 188 of Asked with Riv and Landin where we go more into detail.  Anyway, enough about that guy, let’s get to the here and now and recap this thing.

Your pleas of "NO MORE BO" have fallen upon deaf ears!

Your pleas of "NO MORE BO" have fallen upon deaf ears!

The NXT intro airs complete with your weekly reminder that Bo Dallas is STILL NXT Champion.  That’s starting to feel like a prison sentence.  Our program begins with Byron Saxton in the middle of the ring announcing that Tyler Breeze has entered the building. 

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Lana then makes her way out next. I don’t hate on Lana, because she’s nice to look at, has been nice to me, and she actually even believes my BS tweet that she inspired me to be a Podcast host (despite the fact that I’ve been doing my show longer than she’s been in the WWE):

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I do however hate on Alexander Rusev because he looks like a human dump that walks around smelling bad everywhere.  He reminds me of human traffickers from the movie Taken.  I feel like Liam Neeson is going to show up and put two in his skull any second now while searching for his daughter (we can only hope).  Rusev’s opponent tonight is Kofi Kingston.

Kofi is very happy to job to you!

Kofi is very happy to job to you!

Anyone else who gets treated the way Kofi Kingston does would be considered “in the doghouse” but with this guy, “It’s just Kofi Kingston.”  Disappointingly enough Rusev gets the win and being that Rusev has defeated an “established” WWE Superstar that can only mean he’s becoming more and more likely to be called up to the main roster and that thought is depressing.  It is more depressing than Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air dying.  Rusev wins with the Accolade (it’s a Camel Clutch, damn it). 

Kofi Kingston in ROOTS.

Kofi Kingston in ROOTS.

I immediately regret the decision to come back to recapping this.  I should play World of Warcraft or something instead with my free time.

Devin Taylor looks eerily like my ex-girlfriend in this picture. And not any of my good ex-girlfriends that put out but more like the one that didn’t put out that I wasted six years on and off with only to get a pitiful blowjob from one time in that six years, and have our relationship ultimately end because she decided she was a lesbian.  She is now in a committed relationship with an Indian guy which is funny because that girl Landin hooked up with on Tinder ALSO liked Indian guys and we saw how that turned out.  One thing is obvious:  Indian Guys are the New Black Guys.  I try not to cry at Devin Taylor’s existence but the hurt is too much. 

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She’s here to interview Sylvester LeFort who manages Scott Dawson.  LeFort is trying to hold auditions to find a new client (because Lana took Rusev from him).  Also we’re told Dawson’s leg is broken after his match with Mojo Rawley.  I sympathize because my brain is broken after Mojo Rawley matches because he sucks so bad.

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What the hell is that?  I didn’t think someone who looked like more of a slob than Rusev existed on this show.  This guy looks like a mentally retarded Taz cosplayer who happens to carry chains with him for no explainable reason.  Also why the hell is LeFort staring at this guy’s genitals?  This guy’s name is Bull Dempsey by the way.  LeFort immediately dismisses Dempsey as “too fat” to work for him.

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Mason Ryan shows up next.  I’m not even sure why he’s still employed.  He’s a big guy, yeah, but I feel like nobody is buying what he’s selling and that was pretty apparent when he was on the main roster.

Sylvester LeFort is overpaying.

Sylvester LeFort is overpaying.

LeFort tries to buy Mason with a whole dollar.  I personally would have tried to get change first and only offered him 12 cents at best.  Mason Ryan is not interested and stuffs the money in LeFort's mouth as he walks away.

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I enjoy Sami Zayn’s work but I feel like we’ve seen him fight Leo Kruger enough.  NXT seems to also love spamming 2 out of 3 falls matches.  I can’t really say I am all that thrilled.  Aren’t they changing Leo Kruger into some effeminate “something Rose” something-or-other gimmick?

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Also once again Natalya is wrestling someone because they are at odds with her for being on Total Divas (Emma, Paige, and AJ Lee have all wrestled Natalya for the same reason - it's getting old).  But this is also for the number 1 contendership for the NXT Women’s Title so I expect Emma to pull out the victory as Natalya gains nothing from an NXT championship… unless they want to push Total Divas in the land of “3 weeks ago” which I doubt because they’re done for the season.  The Natalya and Emma match is under way as the announcers play up to the fact maybe Natalya is less focused because of her recent marriage to Tyson Kidd and her spot on Total Divas.  I will credit that crappy reality television show for slowly killing off Natalya’s on-screen “relationship” with the Great Khali – that’s one of the few decent things it has accomplished.  The one thing I enjoy the most about NXT Divas matches is they actually do something.  This is less of a commercial for Total Divas and more of an actual wrestling match. 

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The Tarantula/Dil-Emma just looks erotic.

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Not to be outdone, here’s one from Nattie.  Submission maneuvers just show you the ways these women can bend and that’s pretty hot.  I admit I have a semi right now.

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Ultimately Emma wins the match with the Emmalution. There seems to be a recurring theme of WWE main roster talents tapping out to NXT talents tonight.

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What… the hell?  I won’t even lie, this sing-off between Colin Cassady and Aiden English sounds like it might be amusing in a “this is too ridiculous to really be happening” kind of way.  At least they’re running with Aiden’s over the top singing gimmick and keeping Cassady relevant since his tag partner Enzo is currently out with an injury.  English begins singing an Italian song which reminds me of the Fratelli Brothers in Goonies. 

If you have never seen Goonies, we probably cannot be friends, ever.

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I’m surprised Collin Cassady can keep up with Aiden as he sings a song insulting him and even incorporating “SAWFT” into the song which makes the crowd go insane.  That was well down.  That was a hell of a performance. I admit I found it amusing.  Big Cass wins the sing-off much to the dismay of Aiden English (and William Regal on commentary).  Aiden demands a second round to prove these people wrong.  Aiden sings trashing the crowd and Cassady.  Cassady then sings a second song to the tune of “My Girl” and the crowd claps along which leads Aiden English to attack Cassady in the middle of the bit.  We knew that was likely to happen.  Still this was a good segment to set up a feud between these two.  Call me interested.

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I wonder how many animals died to create Tyler Breeze’s attire and phone case.  The crowd pops so huge for this guy you’d think he was actually a babyface, or at least talented.  I still feel that Breeze has not shown anything of note in the ring other than the ability to throw a varied assortment of kicks.  Breeze is taking on Mason Ryan which tells me nothing good shall happen here.  The best part of this is Breeze’s entrance and it is all downhill from there.  LeFort, insulted by Mason declining his offer comes out here, as a result Mason Ryan loses focus and despite dominating Breeze is taken down by Breeze’s ONE move, the spinning wheel kick.  Breeze gets the win and I still stand unimpressed by his ring work.  Great gimmick, but VERY one dimensional in the ring.  We also get told that Tyler Breeze has changed his seasonal residence from Italy to Brazil (probably because he’s basically Eddy Gordo from Tekken in the ring).  Try not to get beheaded or defecated on in Brazil, Breeze.  Then again I have it on good authority Breeze is into at least one of those things.  The 2 outta 3 falls match is up next and I’m not really even feeling the idea of one.  I understand that NXT Is limited in the types of “gimmick matches” they can have on the program but they really need to find some variations other than “best 2 outta 3” and “lumberjack match.” 

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We’re told next week the Ascension takes on Hunico and Camacho in a Tornado Match.  It would be interesting if that meant they had to wrestle inside an actual tornado.  I think I would like to see that.  I have to wonder what will become of Camacho now that Hunico is the Real Sin Cara.  I guess it’s a “wait and see.” 

This is Sami Zayn's orgasm face.

This is Sami Zayn's orgasm face.

The 2 out of 3 happens and ultimately Sami Zayn wins.  Decent match, but I just can’t say it really feels like it matters to me.  Sami got pulled from the NXT title picture, which sort of blows since he’s one of the most interesting NXT talents and I feel like a pay-off feud with Kruger seems to be going nowhere especially since it’s supposedly at the behest of Cesaro and Colter who have been nowhere to be found during said feud.  I think the one thing lacking on NXT is a little consistency.  It’s not a terrible show but it’s definitely missing a certain something.  Oh well, at least it’s not 3 hours long.