ChristianMingle! If You Were This Dysfunctional You'd Find God, Too!

A concept I am trying to implement here on is the concept of using “Throwback Thursday” to post a random old article on the site within reason.  Stay tuned every week for a blast from the past archives. You never know what might turn up!


Yes I am fully aware I am going to hell. As of late commercials for the Christian Dating website known as “ChristianMingle” have been rampant all over television and advertisements for the site have appeared all over the Internet so  I couldn’t help but decide to crawl onto the site and attempt to troll.


Sorry, Jesus. Now I’m not knocking anyone’s religion or bashing anyone for what they believe in at all. But seeing as pretty much ALL dating sites are scraping the bottom of the barrel (more on this in our Plenty Of Fish articles also located on this site), I would assume that people who are on a dating site and also supposedly highly religious to the point of fanaticism would be pretty bad.

Hey baby, honk if you get horny for the Old Testament.

Hey baby, honk if you get horny for the Old Testament.

Therefore I decided to delve into the world of “ChristianMingle” and see what I can expect to find there. Apparently I’m going to have to make a profile.

Riv from Asked with Riv and Landin

Riv from Asked with Riv and Landin

Obviously I can’t just show up on a site like ChristianMingle looking like this. Leather jackets, sunglasses, Megatron T-shits and Jenny McCarthy’s ass on my wall clearly aren’t things that scream “Man of God.”

Jason from "Our Lady of Guilt and Abstinence" Church

Jason from "Our Lady of Guilt and Abstinence" Church

Dweeb with glasses, awkward smile, Holy Bible in hand, and ugly sweater either scream “Man of God” (or possible serial killer). In fact, weren’t the main villains on at least three seasons of Dexter religious fanatics? I look like a complete idiot in a Freddy Krueger sweatshirt. I’ll tell you what, though – I will totally wear this outfit to bed if someone asks me to and pretend to be a nerdy uber-Christian dweeb if that is what floats their boat, mainly because I find the bad acting of porn movies that start out like this (believe me there are quite a few and I know this because since I don’t get any my porn intake is larger than average) hilarious. Anyway I fill out my profile to the best of my ability.


For the most part all of the above is true. It’s when I start getting into the crux of things it gets a bit weird.


I decided to forsake pretty much interest in anything that wasn’t Jesus. That should make me a hit with the Christian women. And what good strong morally righteous woman doesn’t want to go to Chik-Fil-A or have a dream vacation to Mel Gibson’s house?


The seed is strong – alright so it’s a Game of Thrones quote but maybe that is a quote that will allow me to spill some seed – I mean just because they’re Christian doesn’t mean they don’t get horny. In fact I’ve heard of entire schools of Christian girls that get horny and took anal so that they can save their vaginas for Jesus. And granted Ezekiel 25:17 was in Pulp Fiction but it’s my way of saying “bitch I’m still a badass even though I’ve got a ChristianMingle profile!”

Alright now it’s time to meet a bunch of uptight bitches who only take it up the ass!


…or not. Hey ChristianMingle, it’s not very Christian of you to CHARGE MONEY to use your service. In fact it’s greedy, downright scummy, and almost a form of solicitation. This is a huge let down, mainly because I shaved my sideburns and goatee for absolutely nothing.

I guess on the upside I can still BROWSE and read other profile and see what would have been waiting to speak to me if I had been able to message people freely. They just don’t make the Internet like they used to. As I start clicking a disclaimer pops up.


Oh wait. So it’s not ok to give ANYONE ELSE on the site money AS LONG AS it’s Ok, whatever. You’re a bunch of criminals disguised as holy people. Well, let’s take a look at what’s here.


Wow, that’s bad. They all look like ugly real estate agents who sell ugly houses. Are they trying to sell me houses? I’m really not sure I want to keep browsing this site but I’ve been through worse. I have been through Chyna’s pornographic videos. There is nothing worse than that.


Oh man, chick with a baby who wants to love God, family, and life, and probably find someone else to raise her baby for her. Also according to her profile she is manipulative (if she’s giving you a hard time she likes you – why don’t you get to the point), and very serious (usually if someone TELLS you there is “serious time,” that’s all there is and their idea of “fun” is laundry day. To be fair she’s not completely ugly.


She’s just more like a non-sexy, boring version of Jessica from True Blood - hey wasn’t her character from an uber-Christian family before she became a vampire, too? Even a Jessica Hamby lookalike isn’t getting my ass to the church every Sunday and Wednesday. To me church on Sunday and Wednesday are my Podcasts. Of course I got rid of the Sunday one so I guess now I am officially a heathen.


Oh look… creepy ginger with a creepy haircut. Never trust a woman whose haircut is the “Marcy D’arcy” as nothing ever good will come of it for you or your dick. She apparently has seizures or something. I thought some forms of worship were entirely based on seizures:

If church had fighting game music, sound effects, Hadokens and combo meters I might actually go to it once in a while.


Here’s another ginger. Triple Gingers? I thought they didn’t have souls. How did I hit three in a row? That's a slot machine of RED BUSH. I should probably be more shocked that I live in Georgia and hit three white people in a row. At least this one’s pretty cute. I wonder if her freckles extend to her tits. Too bad if you tried to find out she would probably tell you “I have ten thousand freckles and each of them loves Jesus Christ.” Unfortunately most promiscuous redheads look like… THIS.




It’s the Grimace from McDonalds!!! I didn’t think the Grimace was based on a real person but apparently I have been proven wrong. I feel like someone failed to inform her that "gluttony" was one of the seven deadly sins.  I guess its okay to look like Grimace from McDonalds when that's probably the only place you ever eat a meal. I bet she fits right in. I bet the PlayPlace children love to see her. 


Umm… 23 and you look like that? I thought she was 47 at the least (and that was being nice because my eyes actually said 52). For some reason she has male-pattern baldness. Are we even sure that’s not a dude in drag? Maybe she should spend less time on ChristianMingle and more time shopping for Rogaine with Minoxodil.



Of course there are a few cute ones but usually this is completely offset by the fact you’ll likely never get any from them. Although the thought of what she looks like naked, much like my shirt and my “other profile picture” on ChristianMingle reads: GLORIOUS.

I bet they think it’s about God when it’s actually about Kazakhstan.

I bet they think it’s about God when it’s actually about Kazakhstan.

Anyway sadly most of the attractive girls on this site are the types who spend all of their time going to church missions overseas in countries where people eat their own dead and where drug lords, human traffickers and dictators reign supreme. It’s a shame too – they should put out over here in the states BEFORE they get blown up – I mean it’s not like EVERY Christian missionary has Rambo to save their asses.

I’d probably attempt to do what the Asian people in that scene wanted to do to Julie Benz fifty times if it was socially acceptable. Speaking of missionaries, I don’t think many Christians do it doggy style or ride the dick so I hope that if you get with one you like missionary – A LOT.


Lovingmyself92, eh? I bet she loves herself ALL the time.

Then again if I dressed like Tugboat I wouldn’t get any either.

Oh wait, I don’t. At least if I dressed like Tugboat I’d have an excuse.  Why the hell does this site have so many Tugboat references?  It’s disturbing. I DON’T dress like Tugboat and I don’t even get nudes. I… I really don’t get anything and now I hate my life and it’s all the fault of lovingmyself92.


At first glance NatalieAnn93 doesn’t look entirely terrible – at glance. Until I did a double take and tried to get a closer look at her lower lip.


What pimp decided to beat the crap out of this girl to make her mouth that way? How the hell does something like that happen? Her lip is bigger than my entire mouth. I immediately begin pondering how this affects blowjob-giving abilities seeing as big lips are considered “dick sucking lips” yet only ONE lip is actually big whereas the other is non-existent. Clearly God has a sense of humor and likes to play practical jokes on those who worship Him the most. This is one of them. I bet she drools worse than my dog.


This one is named “UDontKnowMyName.” You’re wrong. I know your name very well. I remember you. Your sexual reassignment surgery or your newfound faith in God cannot fool me…


Mr. Sandman from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out! And you’re still A SCARY BITCH. By the way if you’re female and look like ANY character from Punch-Out you might as well put a CLOSED FOR BUSINESS sign on your vagina. Then again she’s an uber-Christian– which in most cases is the exact same thing.


NO EDUCATION. Enough said. And clearly no skill at Photoshop either seeing as the hat and the glasses look fake. You’re a failure all around. It’s ok, though because God still loves you – maybe. I heard God hates people who suck at Photoshop.


And finally if you’ve ever had a Momma from Throw Momma From the Train fetish or a Mama Fratteli from Goonies fetish, ChristianMingle is the place to make your penis tingle. Unfortunately for me it did not make my penis tingle, it made my penis shrivel up and hide like a frightened turtle. It will probably be weeks before I have an erection again, which probably isn’t a bad thing considering how my cock is not in particularly high demand these days.


There was ONE pretty girl on there after all that time, KSB0627 – but apparently she also has a PlentyOfFish account - so I donated her graciously to someone else in hopes he could get her naked, which leads me into our Plenty of Fish Series right here on this site – stay tuned because remember kids: There are Plenty Of Fish in the sea, and there is but there are also Plenty More Whales. As for religious dating sites, I think I’m done – I’ve seen far too much ugly for several life times – no more religious dating site trolling attempts…


…NEVERMIND, I’M SIGNING UP RIGHT NOW. - Finding the pieces... without the Puzzle