Recap: WWE NXT (Jan. 15, 2014)

I’m a day behind on everything so this NXT recap is even later than normal.  Oh well.  It’s not like you’re coming here for serious NXT results or an important detailed analysis of everyone’s WORKRATE.  What kind of losers do that anyway? You come here (hopefully) to be entertained by my smart-assed, satirical, condescending comments every week about WWE’s shows, so let’s get right to it.


All those green lights either mean a) the Wizard of Oz or b) The COO, The Game, The Cerebral Assassin, The Authority, Best for Business, King of Kings, etc. Triple Preparation H Hunter Hearst Helmsley and his tennis ball haircut are on the way out here.


I don’t think I will ever get used to the lack of long hair on HHH.  I mean his short hair really drives home the “father of three” thing – a major change from the days he was a scumbag who drugged his wife and married her at a drive thru wedding altar in Vegas while she was unconscious.  Hunter holds out his hands to demonstrate the size of his behemoth huge wolf dick as he makes his way to the ring for an important announcement.

Hunter tells us he’s really excited to be here tonight.  I bet he’ll be about 47% less excited when he picks up the NXT medical bill from DeMott for all the people sidelined with injuries.  Hunter plugs the WWE Network and tells us that when the WWE Network goes live, so too will NXT:  February 27th.  Head-to-head with TNA Impact, why?  Because NXT hasn’t done enough damage to Derrick Bateman/Michael Hutter/Ethan Carter III’s career.  NXT intro airs once HHH is done.  Hopefully if NXT is going live it means they will get a little less cookie cutter with it.

Adrian Neville is going to start things off.  I really don’t understand why they took away his entrance theme which had lyrics to replace it to “generic action videogame menu music #7.”  Neville’s opponent is Tyler Breeze, the Gayest Man Alive.


I’m pretty sure that all he does on that fluffy white cellphone is stare at pictures of dicks all day.  Tyler Breeze now makes his seasonal residence in Brazil, where there are many transsexuals, a lot of fart porn, deadly obsessions with soccer, and where Capoeira originated from, so it’s appropriate for Breeze to relocate there because he probably likes all of those things, not to mention he is only capable of throwing wheel and spinning kicks in battle, much like Capoeira is focused on.


We are now going to watch a very talented (but exceptionally ugly) British man battle a little transsexual Eskimo.  I’m only taking this snapshot beause it’s inevitable that someone photoshops Breeze to have tits.  We are reminded that Tyler Breeze has defeated Mason Ryan recently.  That’s not really even that impressive.  Breeze is hesitant to lock up with Neville, whom, for the most part seems to be at an advantage.  The crowd is behind Breeze even though he’s a heel and chants NOT THE FACE as Neville beats the crap out of him.  At one point Breeze audibly yells “SHIT” while throwing a punch.  Neville ducks.  The most important part of this is Breeze yelled “SHIT.”  This is a PG show.  Fire this man so that he has to sell his girlfriend to black guys and gets his arm amputated for doing drugs like the end of Requiem for a Dream.  Breeze finally, after getting slapped around and screaming like a girl hits a springboard dropkick to send Neville to the outside.  Despite the fact it is STILL a kick maneuver at least it’s something new to the arsenal since typically Breeze has less moves than a 16-bit wrestling video game. Ultimately however, Neville makes the comeback and defeats Breeze with the Red Arrow for the win.  I think that’s the longest match Breeze has had on this show.


This match is wrestling AIDS.  I’m also pretty sure the only reason Mojo gets pushed is because he’s like some exaggerated cartoon version of Hunter with that haircut/goatee style.  He probably also offered to hold Hunter’s dick for him while he peed the entire time he was down here.  I hate Mojo Rawley.  I hate Bo Dallas a little less than I did just because he comes off as sincerely creepy and weird and I like the fact that it makes everybody a little uncomfortable.


If Mojo Rawley vs. Bo Dallas were a Sundae made with feces instead of ice cream, covered in a layer of vomit instead of fudge, with flies on it instead of walnuts, CJ Parker would be the cherry on top of that awful shit-sundae.  He’s another guy that reminds me of HIV and failure, especially since he has a hippie gimmick back when everyone used to have intercourse with each other while listening to Jimi Hendrix songs and die of syphilis. 


Seriously, I mean… what kind of bad luck do you have to end up with the “lame hippie” gimmick?  When you’ve got stuff like Vampire, Thespian, Male Model, Jersey Shore Guy, Redneck, Power Ranger guy with 37 college degrees or Probably-Homosexual French Pimp and you land on “really lame hippie” when you spin the Wheel of Gimmicks it is probably time to call it quits.  Not one person in the arena cheers the arrival of CJ Parker. 


They are as quiet as if they are at a funeral – that funeral is probably for his career.  It didn’t help that his only feud since his new gimmick was with Tyler Breeze, a man who is heel yet the crowd cheers and that to boot he had about 10 matches with him in a row.


Jason Jordan, also known as “black guy who has like one win against Hunico & Camacho in a tag match” finally has an entrance which means he’s finally been upgraded from “NXT Jobber” status.


He’s very happy to be here.  Somebody must have told him he’s winning for the first time EVER tonight.  Of course, he has a “I’m a failed football player” gimmick, which he shares with Baron Corbin, Mojo Rawley, Jake Carter (who was released), Titus O’Neil, and Big E. Langston, and countless others.  I am sure we will be reminded about 5 times per match that “he wanted to be a football player, then he got hurt, so he had two choices:  WWE or a life of crime.”

I decide taking a dump is legitimately more important than this match.  I had Five Guys Burgers and Fries earlier.  My trip to the bathroom will be unpleasant – and still it will be better than watching these two.

After I pull down my pants, take a crap, wipe, flush, wash my hands, play four moves against four different opponents in Words with Friends (including Big E. Langston), I return to find that somebody lied to Jason Jordan, Santa Claus is NOT real, and he has been defeated with a “Palm Strike” by CJ Parker.  Yes…  Jason Jordan has just lost to a SLAP to the face, which might be the worst finisher in all of wrestling.  The crowd couldn’t care less.  We’re reminded Bo Dallas vs. Mojo Rawley is up next.  I’m going to probably check my World of Warcraft auctions during this match instead.  I have a lot of Netherweave Cloth and Fel Iron Ore to sell.


Mojo Rawley should be decapitated and then harvested for organs.


Mojo is the only being alive that could make me WANT a Bo Dallas victory on tonight’s NXT.  Byron Saxton says he is a BOLIEVER.  Tensai is disappointed.  This match consists of the crowd yelling NO MORE BO and Mojo Rawley yelling at Bo because “YOU AIN’T HYPED.”  The crowd chants POCHAHONTAS at Bo Dallas who is sent to the outside.  This match makes me feel like I am dying of “meh.”  It makes me feel like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia:

And in this next photo below, Mojo Rawley demonstrates the skills that got him hired in the WWE.


…oh c’mon you KNOW someone this awful had to perform fellatio to get where he is now.  Bo Dallas eventually wins with a roll-up.  So much for “hype.”  I hope this leads Mojo Rawley spiraling into a depression and offing himself.


Why am I watching this?  Why are you reading about this?  Why do I suddenly want to cut off my oxygen supply with a pillow?  Do you realize Kofi Kingston beat the WWE World Champion Randy Orton on RAW this week?  So if Kofi can beat Orton and Rusev can beat Kofi twice, does that mean Rusev is the Champion of the Galaxy or something like that? …I don’t want to exist anymore.  Goodbye.


(By the way Kofi Kingston won.  Bye.)