Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (Jan. 13, 2014)

I got three minutes left before three hour RAW, and I wish one hour of those three hours was dedicated to Ryback and his ridiculous tweets:

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Does anybody actually BELIEVE Ryback when he says “I was hacked?”  I understand the company has to “save face” because of the “incident” but I wish they’d just let these guys say whatever. Wouldn’t wrestling be more fun that way?  I think so.  I don’t care about agendas and political correctness.  I just want to be entertained.

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I’d bang this girl from NCIS: LA. Just throwing that out there.  Somebody find her booking info and get her on the podcast so I can tell her how I want to be balls deep inside of her.  The WWE signature hits.  Bray Wyatt asks us if we’ve “heard the good news.”  Yes, Bray, I have heard the “good news” like fifty times by now.  Besides I prefer hearing the BAD NEWS on RAW.  It’s funnier.

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The Usos are already in the ring ready to get devastated by the team of Bray Wyatt and Daniel Bryan.

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I’m glad the WWE got to re-use the Mexicools costumes with new ring gear for the now-evil Daniel Bryan.  The idea is that all of this will prove Daniel Bryan is firmly under the command of the Wyatt Family.  Since I’m a bit bored of the Usos being the “Kofi Kingston of Tag Teams” I decide to go get my dinner.  The match ends in an obvious disqualification when Luke Harper and Erick Rowan get involved – which was predictable when everyone noticed they were still at ringside.  The Usos escape.

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Daniel Bryan looks confused and probably wonders what the hell happened to his career that he is taking orders from Husky Harris.

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Bray Wyatt whispers sweet nothings in Daniel Bryan’s ear.  Bryan goes to hug it out because he hugged Kane, so why not?  Bray attacks Bryan and hits the Sister Abigail on him and tells him he does this for all of us and this will make a change in him.  The Wyatts drag Daniel Bryan away to a place called “The midcard.”  Maybe you’ve heard of it?  Kofi Kingston is the mayor there. And Zack Ryder is banned from it.

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Damien Sandow is here to job to John Cena who is ready to put it in Sandow’s pooper in front of everyone.  Oh well at least it’s not more of Sandow and Khali wrestling.  To be fair it’s not a terrible match.  I was too busy putting screwed up captions to this easily-to-photoshop picture of Cena:

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The Internet thanks you, WWE.  That will be Meme’d out all because of me and so worth it.  Unfortunately for Damien Sandow John Cena wins. 

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We knew that was going to happen.  It would be nice to see Cena lose one on RAW once in a while.  But in the mean time I will settle for claiming he does scat porn up next on RAW.

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Because nobody watches Smackdown we are getting the New Age Outlaws & CM Punk against the Shield.  This is also because Hunter cares about his old friends even though they dissed him in like 50 shoot interviews while they were either with TNA or unemployed. At least Hunter is looking out for them otherwise they’d probably be standing in line for a bowl of cold soup that’s been jizzed in right now.  WWE takes this time to remind us the WWE Network is coming.  Believe me, we know.  I admit for $10/month it is worth it for being able to watch all the Pay-Per-Views alone.  Lawler stumbles and calls the WWE Network the WWE App which makes sense because WWE makes you download the app to get the network.  I’m waiting for the day Vince McMahon has Jerry Lawler euthanized in the backstage area.

Meanwhile in Principal Arsonist Jew's office...

Meanwhile in Principal Arsonist Jew's office...

Kane and Brad Maddox are arguing again.  Brad Maddox thinks Wyatts should fight Usos again in a cage.  Kane adds that the door will be chained and locked and only Kane will have the key.

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Up next a Big Show match.  I should probably go take a dump and not return until it is over.

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Swagger is set to take on The Big Show.  Why is this happening?  WWE will probably never put the tag belts on the Real Americans due to their controversial characters and now we’ve decided to cut Zeb’s microphone and make him a sign guy.  Who’s brilliant idea was that?  Since WWE doesn’t like Swagger this is doom for him.  Swagger is chokeslammed in less time than it takes to take a piss, and that’s the end of it.  Cesaro escapes into the crowd next to a man with a ROMAN REIGNS IS JESUS sign.  Big Show turns his attention to Zeb Colter still in the ring. 

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This is wrong.  Big Show confirmed to be a liberal pussy.  I thought maybe he would stop and honk his nose or something PG and stupid.  Instead he does in fact knock Zeb Colter out.  Well, that’s probably the end of that.  At least we have yet ANOTHER blank sign for your editing pleasure thanks to @XPacsTornAnus. :

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They usually have people sell Big Show’s punch like the Orton Punt.  Zeb Colter is probably dead.  Rest in peace, Tea Party.  After that vulgar display of “don’t push the envelope”-ism, we get Road Dogg and Billy Gunn.

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People wonder why these guys are getting flak for being old and being around while Goldust gets a pass.  That’s because Goldust has barely aged. Meanwhile Billy Gunn out Shawned Shawn Michaels’ receding hairline and Road Dogg has become as neutered as a Disney-movie-Eddie-Murphy.  I really don’t care about this match because I’m not a horny fangirl who wants to diddle my vagina to Reigns, Ambrose, Rollins, and Punk in the same ring.  Nor am I some old person who thinks it’s still 1998 when it’s not.  The most interesting thing is Cole overusing nicknames for the shield.  He calls Roman Reigns the punisher, calls Rollins an architect and later a mechanic.  He called Ambrose something but I was too busy checking WoW actions at the time.  He might as well start calling them sailor, butcher, baker, candlestick maker, carpenter, plumber, caterer, funeral director, customer service representative and other stupid names.  What are these – failed NXT gimmick ideas for these guys?  The most interesting part of this whole scenario is when about 15 or 20 minutes through this match the New Age Outlaws abandon CM Punk and leave him to be killed by the Shield.  The Shield wins and dominates and decides to hit the Triple Power Bomb on Punk after the match for good measure.

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Meanwhile in the Wyatt Family rape chamber Bray Wyatt randomly talks his native language of “hobo” to Daniel Bryan about the cage match against the Usos later.  This Raw is all over the place and just a mess so far.

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The Queen of the Fat Slobs in Merchandise Sales, AJ Lee comes out here because she has a new gray shirt to sell.  Also she’s tagging with her bodyguard Tamina against Naomi and Cameron.  Emma debuts in the crowd with a sign that says EMMATAINING and by doing her dancing.  The commentators actually point out that Emma from NXT is in attendance. Good on them for bringing us a little consistency here.

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AJ and Tamina make short work of the Funkadactyls.  After the match the Funkadactyls attack again and get booed despite AJ and Tamina being the heels.  I barely paid attention because I was busy making the adjustments to Emma’s sign:

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That’s better.  Now she looks ready to do what she’s going to have to do to get the vacant roster spot left by Kaitlyn’s departure.

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By the way, Emma brings us our THIRD empty sign of the night for your editing needs and so that you too can make jokes at the expense of WWE talent.  What is up with that tonight?

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Randy Orton wants to talk to the Authority.  Instead he gets a match with Kofi Kingston nobody cares about. 

This still hasn't stopped being funny to me.

This still hasn't stopped being funny to me.

Does anyone remember the one feud Orton had with Kofi where Kofi was actually interesting on the microphone and showing fire in the ring that they NEVER did anything with ever again after Kofi slipped and almost fell on his ass while vandalizing Orton’s car?  Up next we get told who the first entrant for the Wrestlemania 30 Hall of Fame is and we get… THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR.

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I hope Warrior hits his “Queerin’ don’t make the world work” speech that he almost incited a riot with as a college speaker during the Hall of Fame and starts another one and embarrasses the WWE.  That’d be pretty cool.

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Paul Heyman is talking to Renee Young about Big Show and Brock Lesnar.  Heyman adds that Big Show hurt an elderly gentlemen tonight when he hurt Colter then hits the Brock Lesnar t-shirt lines so they can make some sales.  I begin to trail off because even though I like Paul Heyman on the microphone, I don’t care much about Brock Lesnar vs. the Big Show.  Orton vs. Kofi is up next after this.  I wish I could do something better with my time than watch this like wipe my face with Emma’s ass.  I begin to play WoW during this because I don’t care.  The match goes slow.  I am bored.  People on Twitter are bored.  In fact if it goes any slower the fabric of time is going to tear open and send us back to the year 1814. Hooray for slavery!  Kofi Kingston somehow wins with the SOS.  Kofi won because his powers grow stronger the closer we get to Black History Month (this is why he always has good Royal Rumble spots).  Randy Orton responds by beating up John Cena Sr. in front of a guy who looks like Ron Jeremy and John Cena rushes out here because his father needs medical attention.  His father needs to stop sitting in front row and getting killed by heels every time he’s here.

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So much for Ryback’s “release.”  Thank you.  Goldust and Cody Rhodes are taking on Rybaxel.  How boring.  I’d rather just read Ryback’s tweets over and over.  This match goes on too long.  Rybaxel is a horrible tag team.  They’re like when you play Marvel Ultimate Alliance & have to fight the team of Winter Soldier and Radioactive Man together for no reason at all.  There is no point.  After having to sit through this crap, which the Rhodes Brothers win by the way (if you even care), we are shown this:

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HOW DO WE MAKE IT UP TO YOU THAT YOU HAVE OVERDOSED ON THE CHARISMA KILLING DRUG KNOWN AS RYBAXEL?  BY MAKING YOU WATCH REY MYSTERIO VS. ALBERTO DEL RIO FOR THE 900TH TIME IN YOUR LIFE!  Those guys have like a best of 9999 match series going on or something.  It’s never going to end.  And not one person cares!

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Del Rio destroys Mysterio with the Cross Armbreaker and reminds us Mysterio and Batista used to be friends.  He then says the same thing is going to happen if Batista comes back to the WWE.  Also Batists is a PERRO (so has everyone Del Rio has fought, ever).  Nobody really seems to care.   This is how I feel watching every time Del Rio and Mysterio fight:

I love that game.  I do not, however, love seeing the same matches over and over and over again.

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CM Punk is not happy with what the New Age Outlaws did to him, which come to think of it he should have seen coming given his problems with HHH and Shawn Michaels.  Maybe next he can tag with X-Pac like nothing is amiss, get betrayed and act surprised and heartbroken by it.  He demands to speak to HHH.  He says he wants to solve the problem and he’s tired of HHH hiding behind the Shield, the Outlaws, Kane, and Stephanie McMahon.  Kane tries to calm Punk by informing him he is officially in the Royal Rumble.

GO GO POWER USOS!  GO GO POWER USOS!  GO GO POWER USOS, YOU MIGHTY JOBBIN' POWER USOS!!!

GO GO POWER USOS!  GO GO POWER USOS!  GO GO POWER USOS, YOU MIGHTY JOBBIN' POWER USOS!!!

An Usos promo they claim was earlier tonight (yet it’s totally pre-recorded) is shown.  Also it has all of the charm of a silly Power Rangers morphing segment.  It is now time for our main event which is the same match that opened the show anyway. It seems like kind of an anti-climactic way to end the show.  I really don’t care about whether or not it’s a cage match.  I feel like the alterations could have been made without that being the opening match.  The Usos win but once again the other two Wyatts are trying to jump them.  Once again the Usos escape.  It’s hard to take the Wyatts seriously when they lose to the Ultimate Midcard Tag Team.

Like a fat sweaty bearded baby.

Like a fat sweaty bearded baby.

For some reason Bray Wyatt is having an orgasm over this loss.  Daniel Bryan and Bray Wyatt get heated with each other.

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Bray tells Daniel Bryan to take the shot and when he doesn’t, Bryan is called a coward by Bray.  This leads to Bryan freaking out and unloading all over Bray Wyatt and snapping.  The crowd fires up and goes nuts.  Bryan begins kicking the living shit out of Wyatt to the resounding chants of YES. 

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Daniel Bryan removes the Wyatt Family “uniform” and celebrates on the top of the cage to the sounds of a YES chant and his music.  That was way too brief.  I would have opted for the pay-off at the Royal Rumble.  Giving it away for free is kind of confusing to me and makes me wonder if creative knows what the hell they are even doing.  2 weeks is rather brief for an angle.   Everyone of course is having an orgasm and glad “WWE changed their minds.”   Me?  I’m wondering why they lack the balls to go through with things like this.  Now we just get more Daniel Bryan vs. The Wyatts… which is exactly what he did before joining them.  Well, hopefully at least rather than book matches at the Rumble they’ll have this culminate with Bryan eliminating them all to win it.  That could still be interesting.