Awful Snapchats I Get.

Snapchat is all the rage with smart phone users right now.  The idea behind Snapchat is that photos and videos taken with it are temporary and self-destruct after a certain number of seconds and that if you take a screenshot with your cellular device it will alert the user that you have done so.  However you CAN screenshot Snapchats as long as you’re willing to put up with the wrath of the angry person who sent you the photo later.  To most people this sounds like the best way to share nudes ever devised seeing as there is pretty much no way to take a Snapchat without looking like an asshole.

At least the images in this Snapchat promotional picture contain some cleavage which is more than I typically get on this waste-of-space application.

At least the images in this Snapchat promotional picture contain some cleavage which is more than I typically get on this waste-of-space application.

 

The Snapchat logo even seems to be dirty as it looks like a little wad of semen with a face.  It’s probably supposed to be a ghost but it looks like a wad.  Most people I know get nudes sent to them via Snapchat as Johnny Landin and Glenn tell me they get nudes constantly.  Where are my nudes?  Well apparently either my Snapchat is broken or the people who Snapchat me are all idiots.  I seriously get the absolute worst Snapchats ever, and to prove it I did in fact screen-capture some to share with all of you so that if you use Snapchat you can see what NOT to do, and maybe show some more private areas instead, which is clearly what it was intended for.  If you’re not in this article, assume your Snapchats are decent enough that they don’t make it on my “that was crap” radar.   That doesn't mean your Snapchats are GOOD. It just means they are "passable at best."  

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I was sent a Snapchat denoting this guy as their new boyfriend.  At first I was pretty sure they were joking but since we live in a world where women find men like Jimmy Kimmel to be sex symbols and would spread their legs for the skinny wormy dude Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad, (which we discussed on Asked Episode 174), I can’t tell if she’s actually serious.  Look at this guy.  I’m not sure if he’s taking a dump in his pants in this photo or not.  For that matter where is his neck?  I almost shouldn’t count this as awful because it is funny but on the same token there is the off chance the text in the photo is serious and I’d like to believe this guy will never have sexual intercourse.

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There’s nothing worse than not even getting a photo but just 1 line of religious propaganda.

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Okay, that’s even worse:  Getting a Snapchat demanding me to cum… and that came from a guy.

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 To make matters worse I got this as well when I didn’t comply.  Seriously they didn’t get the memo that I’m a heterosexual and that I hate any dick that happen to be my own dick. 

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Apparently nobody told this person that I do not have a foot fetish.  I’m sure someone who likes feet is currently getting excited to this Snapchat actually.  I, on the other hand am only getting blue balls.

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 Here are instructions on how to use toilet paper.  My life sucks.  I open up a Snapchat and hope for tits or some ass and instead I get instructions on ass wiping.  Really, how come I get all the lame Snapchats?  I also find this particular one racially offensive as they made sure to show me a sign that was also in Spanish which I feel is a slight on my Puerto Rican heritage.  Also I know how to wipe my ass and how to dispose of toilet paper properly so this does not apply to me.

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 It is awesome that you’re drinking but this is Instagram levels of “taking mundane photos and posting them online” levels.  It also rubs in the fact that wherever I am I might be sober.  I wish I were drunk half the time so that the boring Snapchats I receive might be more interesting.

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 Snapchat also has a “draw” feature.  However, I can’t say that anyone has ever drawn anything that I remotely found awesome or cool or interesting.  Here we have a doorbell or a drain or something with eyebrows and a mouth.  If this was someone’s attempt to be funny they failed miserably.  Tits or GTFO.

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Putting more clothes on instead of taking more clothing and Snapchatting it should be considered an act of terrorism.   My "weapon of mass destruction" is not pleased.

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That’s great you’re on a treadmill but I think rather than show the treadmill maybe you should Snapchat photos of your ass every day so we can see the results.  I mean seriously, there is nothing more boring than looking at a control panel for anything.

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The only time I’ve ever actually cared about construction vehicles Is when six of them combine to form Devastator in Transformers and unless they are actually doing that in front of you I don’t want to watch a video of some boring-ass dock work.

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This is some kind of crappy concert footage but because the audio on Snapchat Video sucks balls I can’t tell who it is.  Since the distance is somewhere in the middle of nowhere I can’t tell who it is.  Since you’re not showing me private parts, the bottom line is I don’t care.  Also I wish you had gotten ejected from the premises for recording anything at all… and for not showing me privates. 

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Thank you for the weather report in a state I don’t even live in and pictures of trees.  I’ve never seen a tree before in my life. Ever. I thought they didn’t exist.  Really.  When I said “show me your mossy bank” this is not what I meant. 

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If you're going to Snapchat something as boring as bowling at least wait until a girl's ass is bending over in front of you to throw the bowling ball.  "You only live once" but you "fail at Snapchat all the time."

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And finally here is some old man who I have named "Gandalf the Gay" having an orgasm on a TV screen being sent to me like I’m supposed to give a damn what people are watching on television.  Go away and don’t come back unless you’re flashing some breasts - I mean the chick sending the Snapchat, not the creepy old guy.  I don't want to see some soggy senior citizen boobs.

 So as you can see whereas Snapchat sounds like a golden gate to getting grail-level ass photos, all I’m getting on it is disappointment, crappy photos, crappier videos, and with each Snapchat I am losing 3-10 seconds of life I cannot get back.  I hate you all.  If you want to restore balance to the force, are female and want to show me something sweet, my Snapchat is RealJasonRivera but I won’t hold my breath because chances are you’ll send more trees and retarded drawings and stupid crap.  I hate you all.

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