Recap: WWE NXT (Sept. 25, 2013)

I was eating a nice lunch but then I remembered I had to recap NXT.  I hate my life. 

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Brad Maddox is here.  Now I really hate my life.  I don’t understand why people like him.  He talks like a fag.  He wears clothing four sizes too small.  He doesn’t seem to be good at anything whatsoever.  He’s basically Bo Dallas, and everybody hates him.  I think the only reason anyone likes this guy is because women and the gay community want to have intercourse with him which leaves me little faith in the human race.  Oh well, at least he’s not on commentary anymore because that was more painful than the Series Finale of Dexter (which I wrote a blog about as well by the way so go read it).

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DOUBLE HOMOSEXUALS. Is this a NO H8 photo shoot?  I wish I could say I cared about this but unless Tyler Breeze is fighting Johnny Landin for the things he said about him on Asked Episode 173, guest-starring Bread Foster, I can’t say I am all that enthusiastic about this segment of blatant buggery.  I’m not sure who sounds more like they take penises in the ass here: Maddox or Breeze.

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TRIPLE HOMOSEXUALS.  It's starting to look like an episode of Glee out here.  Both Breeze and CJ Parker want to be in the tag team tournament to decide the number one contenders but neither of them like each other so Maddox puts them together as a tag team.

This makes me want to turn this show off and it’s only been a minute and four seconds.  Tyler Breeze asks Brad Maddox to clone him and Maddox tells him the technology for that isn’t available.  I did crack a bit of a smile, despite the fact I hate all of these guys.  I like how no explanation has been made as of yet why Maddox has authority over NXT.    Isn’t JBL the general manager of this show?

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 The first team in this tournament consists of Enzo Amore and Colin Cassady.  I’m not really sure how the hell these two turned face or how the hell “SAWFT” even got over but the NXT crowd seems to like them which is living proof wrestling fans are in fact retarded.  Breeze and Parker are the opponents which is why we started off with these two arguing like little girls.  It’s predictable that Cassady and Amore will go on since the opposing team are two guys who are feuding.  The funny thing about this is that Breeze is the heel yet the crowd loves him and CJ Parker is the face and is getting booed by the members of the crowd who aren’t dead silent.  Parker isn’t over as a face but the crowd worships Tyler Breeze.  There’s even a brief 2 second YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chant for Parker starting off.  The funny thing is that Breeze only throws kicks so I’m not entirely sure he can wrestle either.

Fortunately for us William Regal is back on commentary which makes things a little more interesting here.  Parker and Amore start off but while Parker turns his attention to Breeze for a second he gets dropped with a sidewalk slam variation and pinned for a 3 in record time.  Breeze didn’t even get tagged in.  This is tag turmoil so it is a gauntlet and now Amore and Cassady have to take on Sylvester LeFort’s tag team of Scott Dawson and “the fat guy who breaks boards.” 

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I can’t take the Alexander Russev guy seriously because he dresses like Spartacus and has the body of someone’s fat tired dad while having the face of a Mexican working for 4.72 per hour cleaning toilets.  From now on I will refer to Russev as "Fat Dad."  That is his name.  It should be his name if he gets called up.  He should wrestle in dirty Hanes underwear, scavenge for midnight snacks, and scratch his ass a lot.  For some reason Cassady tags Enzo in WHILE fighting Russev even though Enzo weighs about 97 lbs.  Now Enzo gets tossed around by Russev and softened up so that Scott Dawson can continue to capitalize.  Somehow Enzo survives when he gets a surprise Roll-Up on Dawson.  Afterwards however the team of Russev and Dawson takes out Amore and Cassady leaving slim pickings for the next team in this turmoil match, the Ascension.  

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This screenshot makes it look like Conor O’Brian has a tumor growing out of his back that developed into Rick Victor.  I actually think I’d be more entertained if Rick Victor WERE in fact a living tumor growing out of Conor’s back and he had to wrestle that way.  Yes I just compared Rick Victor to cancer. Deal with it. Conor O’Brian now begins to destroy Cassady since Enzo has basically been destroyed by the previous team.  Cassady is dismantled to the point he has to tag Enzo and Enzo is destroyed.  The Ascension are now the number one contenders for the NXT Tag Championship. 

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Yawn.  Spoiler alert:  Triple H puts JBL in charge since his wife had Dusty Rhodes killed.  I think, anyway. 

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Bayley is out next with her “I’m mentally retarded” gimmick.  Oddly enough it works for her.  Renee Young is joining the commentary team which I think is great since there hasn’t been a female commentator in a long time.  As long as her commentary consists of more than “OMG MY OVARIES” like the women of Twitter I think this could be really good.

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Bayley’s opponent is the newly heel Sasha Banks who has allowed Summer Rae’s Skrullface Mind Control powers to dominate her thoughts and turn her to the dark side.  Sasha as a baby face was boring anyway so I’m okay with this.  Also Sasha’s smile makes her look like a really bad cartoon character so her smiling less might make her hotter.  Now if Sasha can stop wearing clown lipstick she’d be 100% improved.  Sasha’s boobs look bigger.  There is overwhelming crowd support for Bayley mainly because she presents herself as the type of girl that can easily be tricked into sleeping with the average wrestling fan.  Bayley also has a bigger ass than Sasha.  It’s a shame Bayley spends her vacation time on the Isle of Lesbos.  Sasha needs the win to cement her heel turn and uses the Terminus Neckbreaker to put Bayley down.  Summer is so proud as she breaks Bayley’s hair band over her and grabs the microphone.  The crowd “NO” chants so loud you can barely hear Summer speak because they hate hearing her speak.  Summer tells us that Fandango will be here next week, whom she manages on the main roster.  She puts over that her and Sasha have eliminated Emma and Paige and they’re going to run things now.  As they do Emma’s theme hits and she rushes to attack them.  So much for the whole “eliminating Emma” deal. 

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Up next, Sami Zayn drives a taxi!  Seriously he looks like a cab driver in that photo.  Why does this NXT feel a million years long?  Is it because I want to play Grand Theft Auto really bad or is it because I have other things I need to do?  I wish this would hurry up and end. 

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 Up next, Aiden English!  I can’t call him ProSexTips anymore now that the REAL ProSexTips appeared on Asked this week and was one of our most awesome interviews.  Aiden’s new gimmick of having a spotlight on him while he sings to the ring is glorious.  He might be the most amusing guy on NXT now.  His gimmick is he’s a heel Glee guy.  It’s awesome.  I can’t wait until he does this in the middle of a match.  It has to happen.  The crowd chants “BRAVO” at his singing.  It is about time they appreciated the finer arts since they booed him so heavily last week.

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What the hell is… THAT?  This guy looks like Mama Fratelli from Goonies had sexual reassignment surgery!  I can’t wait until Aiden English destroys him and sings a song on top of his corpse.  What the hell is a Bull Dempsey anyway?  Aiden English is actually dominating the larger man offensively and that is excellent.  He spent too much time on the bottom for too long on this show.  Aiden English seems like the guy who would be a perfect partner for Damien Sandow due to both of them having “cultured” gimmicks.  Aiden English yells “TAKE A BOW” and hits the Dream Street while the crowd chants BRAVO as the Drama King gives us an encore.  The crowd pops.  Give this man the NXT title.

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 No matter how much you push them up, you’ll never have bigger ones, Summer.  Renee Young tries to interview Summer about Emma’s attack on her.  Summer says that next week she wants a mixed-tag between Summer and Fandango vs. Emma and a partner of her choosing.

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 I hate this promo on bullying that they put Diddy in every week.  Diddy has no right to speak about bullying.  I’ll tell you what the worst form of bullying is:  cockblocking.  Like the time Diddy’s backup dancer cockblocked Johnny Landin from getting with Layla.  That’s the worst kind of bullying.  Screw you, Diddy!

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 Speaking of people who try to bully and cockblock Johnny Landin, here’s El Local!  I’m not really sure why we haven’t seen the El Local bit on main television since we’re struggling to find stuff for Ricardo Rodriguez to do right now.  El Local defeating Alberto Del Rio and being revealed as Ricardo Rodriguez seems like the right angle and right now seems like the right time.  El Local is here to lose to Sami Zayn, who is currently the most popular man on the NXT roster.  As Local gets offense mid-match he even mocks Zayn with the “OLE OLE OLE” chant which Zayn was known for as El Generico.  Zayn eventually comes back and drops Local with a running boot to the jaw in the corner. 

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After the match Bo Dallas arrives to smile a lot and annoy us all with his weird creepy promos.  Bo Dallas says he forgives Sami Zayn for accidentally injuring him at Summerslam so next week there will be a Bo Dallas invitational for anyone who thinks they can beat Bo Dallas.  If they can pin Dallas next week they will get a title shot in 3 weeks on NXT.  Bo gets interrupted by Zayn who says he will be the first one to sign up for this invitational and he’s willing to do it right now. Dallas says that Zayn isn’t ready yet and therefore because he is new he is banned from the Bo Dallas invitational.  This makes the crowd want to eviscerate Bo Dallas. 

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 Brad Maddox is probably having phone intercourse with men. 

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Kassius Ohno is back after WWE had him banished to fat camp for an indeterminate length of time for liking foods like pizza.  Ohno wants to know what the hold-up to getting him back on NXT is.  He wants to know what the problem is.  Brad Maddox says that Kassius Ohno is a D+/C- player at best.  Kassius says maybe he’ll show up on RAW and destroy every match until it’s a series of no-contest matches and that will be fun.  I hope that happens.  I would watch 3 hours of Kassius Ohno doing run-ins.  Brad tries to make it sound like “THEY” (the McMahons) are the ones keeping Ohno on the sidelines.  Ohno says maybe he will knock Maddox out right now.  Maddox says next week Ohno can have a match next week on NXT with just one member of the Wyatt Family who put him out.  That satisfies Ohno and he leaves without destroying Brad Maddox.  Triple H’s announcement is up next.

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Sometimes it looks like there’s a pack of hot dogs that has taken up residence on Triple H’s forehead.  Triple H tells us how hard everyone at NXT works and how he realizes that if something happened to the main roster he could just replace them all with NXT guys and the WWE would be okay. (Ha!)  HHH then explains his problems with the Rhodes family as of late and removes Rhodes to replace him with John Bradshaw Layfield. 

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 If you thought what Bill DeMott does to these kids in the shower was bad wait until they get a load of JBL (a literal load). The crowd immediately shows their ADHD and forgets Dusty Rhodes ever existed as they chant for JBL.

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JBL will be making this face often while superstars are under his desk in his office, I assure you.  JBL makes fun of Cody Rhodes’ mustache, Goldust’s facepaint and Dusty’s inability to speak English because JBL is what is best for business because we now have an NXT era of  the Wrestling… GOD!  I’m all for it.  I like JBL.  Hopefully they’ll use him more than they use Dusty.  Wow.  That NXT felt as long as an episode of RAW and I am glad it is over.  Real-life is calling and wants me back now.  Be sure to leave comments if you liked this recap.  Hell, leave comments if you hate this recap.  I like comments.  And money.  But most of you are broke anyway and probably won’t pay me to do this.