Is Glee The Gayest Thing On Television? A Look at the First-Ever Episode

 

This is a repost of an article from JasonRivera.com due to the fact current time and events make it appropriate to repost.  I won’t do this all the time so don’t get used to it but with a new season of Glee started and a bunch of people talking about it it’s only fair that I bring this article out of retirement.  If you would like to comment, feel free to do so at the end of the article. Thanks.

Is Glee The Gayest Show Ever?  Sadly the only way to know answers to questions like this is to experience. And to experience is to suffer, which I do quite well.  So for the longest time, I’ve seen passing commercials for the FOX television series, Glee. I’ve read tweets and Facebook statuses where women get excited for Glee like it’s the greatest thing ever - literally it is as if this show makes pussy wetter than my own tongue when I'm hyperactive, horny, and on a speed of ten.  And I said to myself:  “Wow, that show looks like the most un-hetero thing in existence. Why do people watch that garbage?”  And I'm not saying that to be an asshole.  I mean seriously, I’ve watched some pretty estrogene-filled television over the years.  I mean, I watch Greys Anatomy on a regular basis.  No homo.  Except for George, who is SO homo they had him hit by a bus and killed. And then there’s my video review of Twilight.  I think we all remember how THAT turned out, and if you don’t, well… then click on the video below:

Also I played the videogame of Hannah Montana the Movie and got a full 1000/1000 achievement points on X-Box 360.  My Gamer Card will always have it on my record that I not only beat Hannah Montana the video game but ACED it. And let’s not forget the time I reviewed the Angelina Jolie Douche-film about starving African kids, known Beyond Borders.  Even though she got blown up with a landmine at the end, I felt like I was being blown up with a landmine during the entire film.  A landmine filled with Summers Eve women’s douche.  But this... this takes the cake.  And yet, here I sit. Sometimes we must be reminded through pain that we are still alive.  Some people get body piercings.  Some people are into sadomasochistic activity. Some people cut themselves.  Me?  I watch horrible crap and review it in blogs.  You’re gonna love my nuts… err… my suffering.

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The very first thing I see when hitting play is THIS moolie making a face like she just got rammed with a 19 inch rod from behind. I think we’re already off to a bad start here. Apparently this is the cheerleading team, as is evidenced by the outfits and skirts. But there’s something wrong with this picture. Something very wrong.

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Not just 1 or 2, but FIVE MALE CHEERLEADERS?  What town does this show take place in? Faggot, USA?  I mean I know we’re trying to be more “socially accepting” of males who want to “cheer” and all in our politically correct society, and I think everyone remembers the one-odd guy who was on the cheerleader team (or if you went to Riverdale High School the one-odd girl that actually played for the football team), but FIVE?  I think these are five teen guys who grew up very confused after getting paint spilled on them by the creepy old man at the local daycare facility:

And I bet Mr. MacGreggor made them eat an abundant amount of fruity pebbles, too.  They play some random dance beats while the kids all do... cheerleader nonsense - you know, backflips, human pyramids, docking with each other and all that.  Cue the cold scowl of what is obviously a gym teacher.

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Hey isn’t that the creepy lady from the 40 Year Old Virgin who said she had sex with the gardener while he sang her dirty songs in Spanish about Football? I think she was also in 2 and a Half Men.  She looks more cracked out than Charlie Sheen does and that’s saying something.  Apparently this takes place somewhere in Ohio.  I didn’t know there were so many gays there.  Immediately the next character we are introduced to is... 
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Seriously the gayest person I’ve seen in a long time, and I used to co-host this show with a very openly gay man (EdWood) and HE is more hetero than this kid.  First of all no self-respecting male has had hair like that since 1929.  Secondly carrying the “man-purse” style book bag instead of one you actually carry on your back subtracts like 70 points from your overall hetero score.  Also, I know that I never really have to worry about looking like a walking bottle of milk being I'm Puerto Rican and naturally tan but would it kill this guy to get some light on his skin other than the ones he probably finds peering out at him at glory holes across Ohio? The jocks immediately do what should have been done to him years ago by his parents and toss him in the trash.  However the jocks aren’t mean enough to throw him in with his “beautiful jacket and bag” so he is allowed to hand them to the jocks before stuffing him in the trash.  What the hell is this?  The Rules of Hazing?  High School is supposed to be harsh and cruel.  I wasn’t nerdy but I *was* the loner guy, quiet and kept to myself so believe me I know that school is supposed to be completely unfair.  Am I an embittered son of a bitch for it?  Yeah, but I'm also the guy who you’re spending time listening to the podcasts of on a regular basis so I think high school is supposed to be the way it’s been since the dawn of time - you know, without “consideration.”  And if I could do it all again I'd have been the biggest asshole since Adolf Hitler.

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This is the guy who felt remorse enough to take the kid’s jacket and bag.  Automatically I think they should be throwing HIM in the garbage as well because clearly brotha’s on the down-low.

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William McKinley High School - reeking of total gayness since 1993!

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I always wondered what World Wrestling Entertainment’s Jim Ross was doing since leaving WWE as a commentator.  Apparently he posed for this picture for Glee.  Buhgawd, King!  Actually it’s not Jim Ross, because apparently the blob in Glee died in 1997, but I guess everyone in life has a twin.  We get a few clips of Spanish class (irony:  I'm Puerto Rican but was a C student in Spanish class).

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No comment.  This actually makes that first gay kid seem hetero in comparison.

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Amazingly enough to counter the exceptionally effeminate men in the school, we cue our first female character who has the jaw structure of a bricklayer, or Fred Flinstone.  That’s a Yabba-Dabba-DO-NOT-WANT.  I'd be remiss if I didn’t mention the infinite amount of jokes that can be made by the fact she is wearing a pearl necklace but it was probably given to her by the homos in this school because with a chin not unlike Jay Leno’s they probably thought she was a dude. The teachers are upset they are not getting coffee but are rescued by the dyke gym coach.  Oh wait, she looks like a coach but she’s really the cheerleading coach.  Totally different story there. That makes Mrs. Future Shop a pimp.   It’s like being the “head of hoes.”  C'mon son, we all know cheerleaders are basically glorified prostitutes and penis-pots for the football team.  Don’t try to make it sound noble.  This whole teacher segment is about as uninteresting as I would imagine it to be in the Teacher’s Lounge.  Only in pornographic movies is the Teacher’s Lounge interesting. 

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 One of the teachers ASKS to be in charge of the Glee Club from the school principal, which if I were in charge would turn into a question-answer game of “Just how gay ARE you?” ?”  At this point the principal tells him “you have to fund the Glee Club your damn self.”  He claims budget cuts however the principal is Indian, meaning he’s just a cheap bastard. His inner monologue says that he intends to take the $60 a month out AND hide it from his wife... so let me get this straight.  You’re married, to what at a side glance seems to be an attractive woman.  And you’re taking $60 of HER MONEY PER MONTH to fund the High School Glee Club?  I think we have an answer to how gay you are:

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Liberace gay. 

A fat black chick named Mercedes (always classy to name your kids after cars) signs up for the Glee Club.  Bitch, I believe you took a wrong turn:  The movie Precious is two doors down, to the left, down the hall, follow the smell of fried chicken and Vaseline. 

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 This kid is such a fag he is a disgrace to ACTUAL fags.

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The Token Asian Chick signs up next.  I hear that right now due to the situation in Japan with all the Tsunamis she’s all dripping wet.  I'd probably rather see her take big ones in the vagina than to watch her sing on Glee.  Then again I'm pretty sure that only 1% of Glee’s male viewers are actually hetero and they’re probably all victims of circumstance as am I.

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Up next?  THE JEWS!  It gets better as Rachel, Queen of Glee Club Jews tells us she “puts a star next to her name” every time she signs it.  Do you know why she does this? 

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IT’S BECAUSE SHE’S A JEW!  THAT’S SOME SERIOUS STAR OF DAVID ACTION!  BANISH HER TO CONCENTRATION CAMP!  Just make sure to like... strip her naked or something first.  Isn’t that protocol? Apparently the Jew is the arch-rival of the chick with the Pearl Necklace and has two gay dads.

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No, that’s actually straighter than what we got.

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King Jew & Supreme Emperor Spook whom she told us mixed their sperm together in a turkey baster before ramming it up the surrogate mom’s gooch.  Once upon a time I was dating a girl who was a lesbian (it’s complicated, and too hard to explain here), and she asked me if I would father her kid.  When I told her I didn’t intend to jack off into a turkey baster she got pissed off.  Listen woman, if I'm going to make a baby, I'm going to make it the old fashioned way, with my dick in your pussy and my balls hitting your ass from behind while I do! I know.  I'm a real scumbag. This girl doesn’t shut up as we find out about her life story.  She tells us that she’s always on MySpace.  Seriously?  This show hasn’t been out that long.  By the time that it came out MySpace was already dead and Tom Anderson, founder was already homeless in a ditch somewhere washing car windows and giving hand-jobs for coke. 

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The cheerleaders, who also still have MySpace for no reason like to leave her mean comments which is about the most awesome thing I’ve seen on this show (aside from Hi Ho Cheerio’s very defined camel toe).  Still, it’s 2011.  Johnny Landin and I were terrorizing MySpace almost 8 years ago like that time where Landin posted malicious HTML code that redirected John Cena’s MySpace page to Mark Jindrak jacking it in a fake jpg (no homo).  Or that time that we left 48 comments on Natalya Neidhart’s ass talking about what we wanted to do with it.  You’re a bit outdated, Glee.

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OH !  FINALLY ANOTHER ACTOR I REMEMBER!  SERIOUSLY I REMEMBER THIS KID, I DO, I DO!  Finally someone I can somewhat respect.

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That’s right, isn’t that kid the trainable who was trying to learn about erections in the ABC’s of Sexual Education for Trainables? No?  Well regardless he looks like a retard.  You know what makes me saddest about this all?  In real life that kid is probably getting laid right now, and I'm going to go to bed later and masturbate.  I hate my life. That’s probably why I'm watching Glee, which as I said earlier is like cutting myself.  Actually cutting myself might be less painful because technically according to the clock I'm still not even 1/5th of the way through this episode. 

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Oh wait... I just realized that kid is in a wheelchair and thus his genitals probably do not work and he probably doesn’t get laid at all.  I feel so much better knowing that. By the way, if this is the entire Glee club, isn’t this like one giant big race joke?  What amazes me as the Glee Club Teacher is told that he has to continue to steal from his wife, work late hours, and the whole nine to make up for Glee Club even existing is that he never once decided that since there are five kids to ask each of them for $10.00 in “Glee Club” dues and only take a measly $10 out of his own pocket to cover the costs instead of FLAT OUT STEALING FROM HIS WIFE.  YOU FAIL AT MARRIAGE AND YOU ARE GAY.  This is also evidenced by the fact he brings her lunch to her work... with mayonnaise despite knowing she is diabetic.  I told you he’s a 'mo.  He plans to kill her and move Elton John into his house.

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Apparently he’s going to ask the crazy lady from the 40 Year Old Virgin for help.  She’s busy shining up trophies real nice.  I swear to God if she turns them sideways and starts sticking them up her ass I'm turning this off.There’s just some things I simply will not endure.  Ugh.  I got a mental picture.  I'm not going to have a hard-on for a month now.  Apparently he’s trying to draft all of the cheerleaders to Glee Club.  Since he doesn’t understand that High School is a giant clique gang-war, he tries to ask for advice on how to turn the jocks into a bunch of pansy-asses.  They then make the “Grey’s Anatomy is pretty gay but not as gay as Glee Club” reference right then and there.  I TOLD YOU ALL A THOUSAND TIMES.  GREY’S ANATOMY IS NOT GAY. He still tries to draft the Football Team to the Glee Club... and gets farted on.  Speaking of farts, I'd rather watch an episode of Terrence and Philip from South Park.  Eventually one of the football players defects.  Big surprise, it’s the one that is nice to the gay when they throw him to the dumpster.  He is forced to join Glee to get out of six weeks of detention.  I'd have taken six weeks of detention.  I mean seriously, this is like the time John Cena got drafted into the Nexus.  Except gay. 

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The Ns stand for five giant NO HOMOS.  It’s like saying “Hail Mary” after doing something evil.  You have to say “no homo” after doing something gay.  I'll have to say like fifty when this is over.  The wife argues with the Glee Club Teacher.  She tells us she understands why he’s interested in kids - wow.  So your wife accepts that you’re a creepy diddler, then?  C'mon man give her the D.  That’s all she wants!

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Here come some gay ass performances.  This is like being dragged to the musical by your girlfriend against your will only on a weekly basis.  And even gayer because you have to find out about the characters and all their stupid problems. Eventually the teacher is forced to have to give up the Glee Club and almost begins crying.  Loser.  Men are only supposed to cry when true moments allow for it.  Like the Death of Optimus Prime, or the Terminator!  Get off my screen!  Of course eventually the students come through and manage to save the Glee Club and teacher’s job and all that nonsense. 

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The only real thing my mind digested in all of this is the Jew’s body actually isn’t half bad.  I wouldn't join Glee Club to hit it though.  The show ends and finally the question can truly be answered. Is Glee pretty much the gayest thing on television?

YES.

I can't recommend that anyone actively watch this show who values their testosterone.  It’s so horribly bad that I swear for about 30 seconds I could literally feel myself transform into a woman.

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I really would make an awful chick.  There’s only one thing left to now: detox and re-testosterone with violent action films and things with massive amounts of blood, guts, gore, explosions and women being plowed... which is pretty much what MAN aspires every day in life to actually BE.  And before you say I’ve lost any and all respect, bear in mind that to this day I STILL have not allowed myself to watch a FULL EPISODE of Jersey Shore, so I still DO have SOME dignity remaining.  Do yourself a favor and never watch Glee under any circumstances. Ever.