Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (Sept. 23, 2013)

I really couldn’t care less about Monday Night RAW tonight but after the overwhelming positive feedback from many of you I felt obligated to cover this despite having more interest in the big console sensation Grand Theft Auto V.  Notice that I barely ever tweet about every little thing I am doing in the game.  That is how it’s done to as not to annoy the planet earth.  I wonder if the WWE looks at how much money a violent, controversial definitely-not-PG video game is raking in and stops to think of how much more successful they’d be if they cared less about breast cancer and John Cena t-shirts.

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Monday Night RAW is in Chicago so CM Punk will be here and people will mark out.  I wonder if CM Punk wishes he could block most of these mongoloids in real life the way he does on Twitter.  We’re also told the McMahons will undress the low morale and unrest in the locker room since they implemented this new system of “jobbing everyone out to the Shield” and “making the Big Show cry” which they feel is “best for business.”

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On the last few minutes of NCIS some girl sniffs a note.  I always thought that one chick on NCIS was kinda hot.  I bet her vaginal secretions taste like all that is beautiful in the world.  Too bad Robin from Batman & Robin the movie and LL Cool J probably run trains on it. 

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Fred Flintstone died or something so WWE pays tribute to him.  WWE logo hits followed by some production videos recapping the Daniel Bryan “Conspiracy” drama.  I bet the WWE promotional guys make more in a month than I do in a year.  That job has to pay well.  The title is vacant, Scott Armstrong is fired for being part of a conspiracy, Daniel Bryan is pissed, Randy Orton has gone insane, the Miz’s parents are ugly, Triple H has a bad haircut, The Shield have been doing the exact same thing every night for almost a year, but that’s okay because they make ovaries explode.  Also everyone else who is a baby-face is basically an afterthought until or unless they get involved in helping Daniel Bryan.  All of the superstars who helped Daniel Bryan are hanging out on the stage.

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They look like they are about to be executed by a firing squad.  Stephanie McMahon and Triple H come out… to Time to Play the Game, which is interesting because HHH has been using “King of Kings” as his theme exclusively since his heel turn.

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I miss the days Stephanie dressed like a slut, Hunter had long hair, and they came out to “My Time.”  The Shield as always is on “bitch duty” of standing outside the ring protecting the McMahons.  The McMahons aren’t here to admonish the superstars who got involved but instead thanks them for finally being men.  I’m pretty sure Zack Ryder pees sitting down, actually.  The McMahons say they know it was about making their mark and this had nothing to do with Daniel Bryan.  RVD grabs the microphone and tells the McMahons they WERE fighting for Daniel Bryan because he got screwed over.  HHH says everyone should want to be BE champion, not fight FOR a guy to be champion.  HHH apparently forgets how many factions he has been a part of whose sole purpose was to put a belt around his face.  Stephanie and HHH begin to convince these guys they should all be out for themselves.  The McMahons suddenly put the blame on everyone’s career going to crap on the Shield. The Shield looks confused as HHH explains that the Shield has been control of this place since they showed up.  They book the men on the stage and Daniel Bryan in an 11-on-3 handicap match (which almost happened on Smackdown).  Stephanie also says we get to choose Randy Orton’s opponent tonight if we download the WWE APP.  The only way I’m downloading it is if it comes with vulgar photos of Stephanie McMahon.

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Kofi Kingston is going to take on Alberto Del Rio.  I can think of about 5,000 things I’d rather be doing than watch this already.  There’s literally nothing Kofi Kingston can do at this point to make me care.  WWE commentators also take this time to try to force the WWE App on us.  Not happening.  Rather than watch this match I am using the Grand Theft Auto V money exploit to try to increase the amount of cash I have in game since it is so difficult to acquire.  I am also somehow regretting the positive feedback you all gave me to convince me to keep doing this.  Here is a better idea.  Use the DONATE page and PayPal me money… for my suffering.  And because it takes $30/month for me to podcast and host this website and one day that might go up to $50/month which would be even more rough.  I know I’m not going to get rich but if I could at least sustain my projects without it putting a massive hole in my wallet I would consider that a success.  Del Rio wins after a long match that had no point.  I have to urinate.  That’s more important.  We also got a commercial letting us know a really crappy John Cena Racing Game is out on Android and iOS if you’re a glutton for punishment.  I refuse to waste my time or phone storage space on that.  It might be the only app worse than the WWE App.

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Just when you thought RAW couldn’t get worse here is the Miz trying to be taken seriously after the “Miz-erable” career he has had the past few years and after showing us his hideous parents last week who watched Randy Orton destroy him. HHH interrupts to tell us the Miz is not medically cleared then punishes Chicago with MizTV.

The live crowd boos.

HHH adds that the guest will be the Big Show.

I hope Chicago chants THANK YOU BIG SHOW after he knocks Miz out.

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I can’t be the only person that thinks the Wyatt Family lost something in the translation from NXT to RAW.  I would say it’s probably a combination of Bray not cutting a promo every time he comes out, and a lack of Rowen and Harper actually wrestling tag matches due to creative not knowing what they even want to do with any of them.

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The Prime Time Players will be the opponents for the Wyatts.  Since turning gay… err… face they’ve gotten a moderate push.  Harper wins with the clothesline and JBL ejaculates with glee at seeing his old finisher put to use.  After the match Bray Wyatt destroys Darren Young.
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That’s like… a double hatecrime because Darren is gay AND black.

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No.

Miz TV is up next.  I sort of drift off into unconsciousness and fight to stay awake.  When the Miz “Comes To Play” I “Leave to Take a Dump.”  The Big Show is Miz’s guest tonight and is probably going to cry because of all the horrible things Stephanie McMahon makes him do.  Miz tells Big Show to stop letting Stephanie control him.

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Stephanie comes out here and argues with the Miz which means that The Miz getting knocked out is inevitable.  Stephanie mocks the beating Randy Orton gave him and that the Miz isn’t a major player because he peaked too early.  His purpose is when they need someone to do appearances on TV shows and radio shows and signings.  Stephanie than says Miz’s parents are disappointed in him because Randy Orton destroyed him in front of his home town last week.  Miz gets knocked out and the crowd pops as predicted. 

 Orton vs. Nobody Cares is next.  It will be Ziggler so that women can diddle themselves.  It somehow ends up being Van Dam instead so that instead of women diddling themselves it can be people stuck in ECW 1997.  Van Dam has fought Orton like 3 times at least since being back so it’s already boring.  Orton dismantles RVD after a long match.  I don’t really find myself giving a damn.  Is this over yet?  No. It’s only 9:30.  Del Rio attacks RVD during the break.  I still don’t give a damn.

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APRIL JEANETTE ERECTION.  After she argues about hating every other Diva on earth with Stephanie we go to a Fandango match.  Fandango much like the Wyatts has sunken so far down that I don’t even care. It is so stagnant now I just want creepy weirdo Johnny Curtis back instead of the Fandango gimmick.  It’s a Santino match to make it worse.  Santino is so annoying that he gives me irritable bowel syndrome so I go to take a dump.  I’ve taken like three already during this show.  Fandango won while I crapped.  More importantly Michael in GTA V is sitting on almost 5 million and I’ve got one more hour of exploiting the game.

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CM Punk is here.  He can’t save this for me but he can wake up his hometown crowd which is being bored to death by a lackluster Monday Night RAW.  Cue pandering to the home crowd until Paul Heyman comes out. He offers a rebuttal, then Punk says he only needs 2 seconds with Heyman.  That sounds a bit like a sexual performance issue to take blue pills for.  Ryback and Axel are out here and begin dismantling Punk in front of his home town crowd which is just good business as the heat they get is nuclear for doing so. 

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RYBACK… RULES. Or something.

CM Punk is hauled away and the seriousness is taken away by Brodus Clay’s music playing as the Funkadactyls go to the ring.  AJ is in tag action against the Total Divas, aligned with the Diva Job Squad.  Brie Bella pins AJ.  AJ gets dragged out and Tamina shows us AJ’s ass.

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Thank you Tamina.

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Shield Promo.  These are getting redundant.  These guys need new things to do.

 

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Daniel Bryan comes out here to cut a promo.  As a side note, why is it everyone on Twitter suddenly thinks Brie Bella is the greatest Diva ever?  Is it because he puts his non-vegan meal in her butt?  Daniel Bryan tells us that he never needed a fast count to pin a man who was already knocked out and HHH and Randy Orton are the ones trying to pull a conspiracy here.  Daniel Bryan mentions Scott Armstrong was given a huge severance pay and that Daniel Bryan doesn’t care which version of Randy Orton he fights at Battleground because he’s taking back what is his.  

 

The Shield is about to come take out Daniel Bryan but Goldust and Cody Rhodes jump the barricades and attack the Shield, getting escorted away by security.  After this the 3 on 11 handicap match comes on and that’s just ridiculous.  RVD is the first one eliminated and we hit commercials.  Kofi is gone next.  The Prime Time Players are now in.  Why are all the guys who had matches earlier tonight going in first? Shouldn’t the fresh men who didn’t fight tonight be starting it?  My guess is an injured Titus is better than a full-health Zack Ryder.  Titus is eliminated by a spear and Justin Gabriel is eliminated by another spear.  Ryder rushes Reigns and gets speared too.  Daniel Bryan rushes in fired up and destroys Roman Reigns, pinning and eliminating Reigns from this match and leaving Ambrose and Rollins without their muscle.  We hit commercials.  The Shield regroups and Rollins eliminates Darren Young.  Ziggler rushes in on fire.  We’re reminded he will wrestle Ambrose for the 2 billionth time on Friday.  Ziggler somehow eliminates Ambrose and Rollins is alone in there while Lawler sells Rollins as the weak link of the Shield.  Rollins pins R-Truth and he still has four men to get through.  Rollins gets destroyed because there is no way he is getting through four guys.  Daniel Bryan knees him in the face for the win.  Still a solid showing of a main event as the commentators put over Daniel Bryan as the Leader of the Locker Room. We are out and most importantly Michael on GTA V has $6,114,035 due to exploiting the money glitches in the game and I now must perform corporate stock market sabotage with that money to make things right.  I really had no desire to do this recap. I feel dirty.  I need a shower.  And some money.  So don’t be stingy.