Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (Sept. 16, 2013)

So I really don’t know how often I intend to recap WWE wrestling on LTS (Listen to This Show – I’m going to have to get used to those new initials).  I somewhat fell out of love with recapping wrestling due to the increased frequency of the shows and the increased duration.  But I’m going to try recapping tonight and if I get enough likes, comments, and shares on this article I will consider continuing to do recaps so if you like what you are reading you know what you have to do to get more of it.

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Last night on the Night of Champions Pay-Per-View (which should be called Night of Retentions as only one championship changed hands), Daniel Bryan defeated Randy Orton to win the WWE Championship.  The Internet is already waiting for the other shoe to drop due to what many perceive was a fast count by referee Scott Armstrong, and other people who were angry Daniel Bryan didn’t have the title are still angry because “it’s the only belt that changed hands.”  Wrestling fans will never be satisfied.  Believe me, watching wrestling is easier when you don’t take any of this crap seriously.  It’s easier when you’re indifferent.  You should all try it some time.  If the fact your favorite wrestler doesn’t have the belt ruins your day you might take things a bit too seriously.  If they’re your favorite wrestler just be glad they are getting paid well.  Whether Daniel Bryan gets stripped or not I’m not going to sit here and whine about it.  If WWE decides that’s what is “best for business” so be it.

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The last few minutes of NCIS airs and I get to watch Chris O’Donnell rubbing some man’s face softy.  This should come as no surprise to me.  The fact Chris O’Donnell was Robin should be a clear indication of how he chooses to life his lifestyle and you know what?  That’s his journey.  Can we please speed this up and get to RAW?  I don’t have all day.  Oh, who am I kidding – I’m about to give up 3 hours of my life to the almighty McMahon Empire.  The WWE Signature airs followed by the most hated man on Twitter, Curtis Axel.

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Axel is considered boring by pretty much everybody.  I don’t necessarily agree with everybody though.  I think Axel is good in the regards that people DO hate him because you are SUPPOSED to hate him.  Last night at Night of Champions, CM Punk made it through Curtis Axel only for Ryback to assist Paul Heyman in defeating CM Punk much to the dismay of a bunch of morons who couldn’t figure out Heyman was going to win after weeks of Heyman, Punk and everybody else saying that Heyman had no chance of survival.

 

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The new WWE Champion Daniel Bryan makes his way out here. The crowd is going nuts for the new WWE champion. How long will it last, though? The only issue I would have with them hot-shotting the belt back to Randy Orton would be the fact they would be boosting the amount of times Orton has held the title for no reason whatsoever. The “YES” chant from the crowd is deafening. Soon it is drowned out by the sound of “King of Kings” and the Chief Executive Officer of the WWE, Triple H making his way to the ring.

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I hope this leads to a Triple H/Daniel Bryan feud in-ring just for the hilarity that would be Triple H putting a belt on himself again at this stage in his career and life.  Triple H says that Scott Armstrong counted fast, which is pretty much what everybody predicted on Twitter was going to happen after the Pay-Per-View.  HHH calls Scott Armstrong out to the ring right now to clarify the count.  I am sure that Armstrong is under threat of his daughter having her ovaries exploded forcibly by the Shield if he doesn’t come out here and retract his decision.  What ever happened to “the referee’s decision is final?”

 

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Poor Scott Armstrong.  Even as a referee he’s Armstrong cursed.  HHH shows us the normal count speed with which Scott Armstrong counts a fall.  HHH begins a public interrogation of Armstrong and before Armstrong can even speak claims that he heard Armstrong whispering to Daniel Bryan and that this is collusion.  Triple H then immediately vacates Daniel Bryan of the Championship and says the title will not be returned to Randy Orton.  Daniel Bryan and and the crowd are infuriated.  The booing is deafening even more so than the “Yes” chant was. 

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HHH even “goes there” and tells Daniel Bryan that he thought “Shawn would have taught him better.”  The Game then demands the belt otherwise he will have to take it from Daniel Bryan.  I actually want to see them fight.  Randy Orton interrupts this to tip the odds against Bryan’s favor.  With two against one Daniel Bryan has no choice but to relinquish the belt.  He refuses and gets hit with Orton’s RKO so that the belt is forcibly taken from him.  I hope that Daniel Bryan loses the belt in this cheap manner 15 more times so that he can beat Ric Flair’s record of World Title reigns.  We hit our first set of commercials so that we can be sold gratuitous amounts of Just For Men hair color. 

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The McMahons and Randy Orton argue because Randy Orton wants his title back.  Stephanie McMahon says the “sick bastard” that Randy Orton used to be is gone and until he finds out where he went maybe the McMahons need a new face of the WWE because of the fact Orton is such a loser.  While Randy Orton debates defecating in Stephanie McMahon’s luggage Dean Ambrose is in the ring to have another match with Dolph Ziggler.

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I saw Dolph Ziggler vs. Dean Ambrose last night and have no intention of seeing it again.  We are even told if Dolph Ziggler wins we will get this match again because this match is non-title.  I do not have ovaries therefore I do not care to watch Ambrose vs. Ziggler this many times in a row.  That is not a slight on the ability of either man in the ring but I really dislike repetitive booking and it is one of the things that makes me dislike recapping so much in this new era.  Many people believe Dolph Ziggler is being punished due to a revelation that Dolph Ziggler delivered repeated elbow drops to Jerry Lawler in a match a year ago which would lead to Lawler having a heart attack days later on live television.  Do you know how ridiculous you conspiracy theorists sound?  At least if you theorized that Ziggler was being punished for his younger brother Briley Pierce’s many comments about what really goes on at NXT Tapings you’d sound more accurate.  They’re not punishing Ziggler for something he did a year ago.  He clearly walked in on Stephanie McMahon taking a dump. This match runs long and goes into “resthold mode” which makes me wonder why I am watching this instead of playing World of Warcraft, or taking a shower, or reading a book, or literally doing ANYTHING ELSE with my time.  Dolph Ziggler hits the ten elbows to the chest of Ambrose.  Oh no!  Maybe Ambrose will have a heart attack too!  He also pointed at Lawler when he did them, which is hilarious to me.  That was probably the only interesting part of this entire match for me as a heterosexual male in my 30s who doesn’t understand fan-girls and their logic (since they believe this to be the best match ever).  Dolph hits the Zig-Zag and gets the 3 so guess what?  We get to see this match again in the near future.

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I hope Dolph Ziggler vs. Dean Ambrose doesn’t become the next Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston.

 

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Backstage General Manager Brad Maddox (who does absolutely nothing on this show) tells Big Show the McMahons will be here.  If you haven’t been keeping score, the Big Show is broke (storyline-wise) and has to do everything the McMahons tell him to otherwise he will be in breach of contract.  This includes not being allowed to save Daniel Bryan during 4-man beat downs and having to cry a lot.  Needless to say the Big Show is as unhappy as the six people who went to see his movie Knucklehead in movie theaters.  We come back and the McMahons put Daniel Bryan in one-on-one action against Roman Reigns.  Maddox is basically a glorified secretary for the McMahons.  Stephanie is up in the Big Show’s face and says that she hopes Big Show’s one night suspension on Smackdown was painful.  Stephanie says that Big Show’s assignment tonight is to sit down in this office and stay out of trouble. So… The Big Show collects a pay check to sit on his fat ass.  We don’t have to see him wrestle or compete… where exactly is the punishment in any of this?  It’s a win-win for everyone involved!

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We’re reminded Ryback is a Paul Heyman Guy now.  I can’t say I really care one way or the other. 

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Back in the ring-side area, we have Fandango.  I have a bad feeling this is going to be another rematch from last night.  Even worse than getting a rematch we get R-Truth, Fandango’s former NXT Pro, and a guy whose career in the WWE has come full circle back to being glorified enhancement talent.  Ron Killings reminds me of Johnny Landin's house having an infestation of "moolies."  R-Truth’s existence is rather pointless.  The only time he is over with the audience is when he is acting like a typical street-corner crackhead.  The singing, dancing, and shouting “WHAT’S UP” is played out and boring.  The only good thing here is that he is no longer talking to an imaginary little child named “Little Jimmy” which reeked of dementia. 

Fandango wins after a brief match with his guillotine leg drop.  I hope R-Truth goes insane, smokes a cigarette and steals somebody’s water again.

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Dusty Rhodes has been invited to RAW tonight so that the McMahons can continue to humiliate the Rhodes family which they have done ever since (storyline) firing Cody Rhodes several weeks ago.  Everybody surrounds Dusty Rhodes like they are either at a museum exhibit or literally expecting him to crap out golden bars or something.  Rhodes is currently the General Manager of NXT but due to the fact that the next 4 weeks of NXT have already happened what that means is “JBL is the General Manager of NXT and Dusty Rhodes has been demoted.”  I would say “sorry for the spoilers” but if you were offended by spoilers for NXT you a) have no life whatsoever and b) need to learn to Internet.  

Dusty Rhodes makes his way to the ring and he is not his normal animated self, mainly because Cody was fired and Dustin Rhodes lost a match to try to get Cody re-hired last week. The same program that runs an anti-Bullying campaign is playing out the “torment of the Rhodes family.” Rhodes says he’s not here as the American Dream tonight but as Virgil Runnells and he has something to get off his chest. He talks about the bad road he has been through – he talks about being unable to pay your bills and you wonder where the next dollar is going to come from...

 

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…well Dusty that next dollar comes from Obama.  Dusty talks about how Cody Rhodes was fired for no reason other than a whim and then his older son, Dustin, Goldust comes up to the plate to try to save Cody’s job.  Dusty says what’s best for business is what you do day in and day out to exist, and your legacy, your family.  Dusty reminds us that Cody Rhodes was a two time Intercontinental Champion and a 4 time World (tag team, Dusty forgot to say the words “tag team” champion) before he was 22.  Dusty says he’s here because he wants Cody to have a chance to get his job back and whatever “business proposal” Stephanie McMahon has for him, she needs to come out here and get with it.

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The insincere VP of the company, Stephanie McMahon makes her way out here, applauding Rhodes.  In my opinion Stephanie is the best one as far as authority goes because as a woman you can’t hit her on television and sometimes you want to – you really want to because she comes off as so “phony and disingenuous” as she mocks her victims.  Dusty doesn’t want her wedding registry gifts from “Bed Bath and Beyond” for Cody Rhodes & his new bride Brandi Reed.  Stephanie McMahon tells Dusty Rhodes that there is an open spot on the roster and Dusty is going to have to make the choice:  Dusty can either bring back Goldust, or bring back Cody.  He has one choice.  He can only get one son’s job back.  Stephanie then elaborates that while Cody Rhodes has done everything right and is the perfect son that Dustin is the screw up and she knows that Dusty feels like he is responsible for Goldust’s transgressions and for never being there and that this is his big chance to make it up to Dustin.  Rhodes retorts asking Stephanie if she plays favorites with her own children and emphatically refuses to take part in Stephanie’s reindeer games.  Stephanie then uses the Black Materia to “Summon the Shield” to dispose of Rhodes and says that she realizes this isn’t fair so she calls out the Big Show to come out here… 

This is predictable and we all know this is going to lead to the Big Show punching Dusty Rhodes in the face.  Dusty Rhodes is given the choice:  you can take a beating by the Shield or a beating by the Big Show.  Dusty has too much pride again and Big Show begins his typical sad crying.  This will lead to the usual “Big Show crying, Big Show doing what he is told, Big Show throwing chairs and tables and food in the back during a tantrum” segment we get every week.  Big Show even hugs Dusty while crying. 

 

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Big Show has more tears for this angle than he did years ago for his father being dead during a feud with the Big Boss Man.  Show knocks Dusty Rhodes out and the trainers check to make sure Dusty is even still alive.  Dusty is taken out of here in an ambulance.  I am sure next week Brandi Reed will come out here and be fisted by the Big Show while he cries.  Either that or they’ll have Big Show pull the life support on Dusty Rhodes in the hospital… while he cries.  Regardless there are many, many Big Show Crying Scenarios to come before this whole thing is over.  Maybe the McMahons will use necromancy to resurrect the Big Boss Man so he can continue to torment the Big Show as well.  What makes me laugh is that as I look at my Twitter live feed people are legitimately angry about this “horrible mistreatment of Dusty Rhodes.”  You… you all DO realize this is scripted, right?

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Brie Bella is now officially a baby-face (because suddenly the entire Internet loves her and her Rainbow Brite gear) and tagging with the Funkadactyls against the team of Aksana, Layla, and Alicia Fox.  AJ Lee and Natalya do guest commentary which is a clear-cut indication that Natalya is probably the new number one contender for AJ Lee’s Divas Championship.  Last night AJ retained the title in a fatal four way against the “Total Divas,” Natalya, Brie Bella, and Naomi.  AJ and Natalya begin arguing because Natalya’s headset does not work, and somehow that is AJ’s fault.  As everything degenerates into a big mess, Brie puts Aksana away with the X-Factor for the win.  Is Nikki Bella dead?  I know she’s injured but usually isn’t she at ringside for Brie’s matches?  Natalya and AJ have a stare-down after that is supposed to somehow make us give a damn about the Divas Division.  Backstage Brad Maddox and the Miz have words.  I wish the words said to the Miz were “you’re fired” because he’s just not interesting anymore.  We hit more commercials because there are DVDs and video games that need to be purchased on the earth. 

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One man seems to be having a good time around here (presumably because all of the Rhodes Family Suffering) and that somebody is the World Heavyweight Championship Money in the Bank Winner, Damien Sandow.  Sandow is taking on Rob Van Dam whom for some reason is still managed by Ricardo Rodriguez.  I really wish they had given Rodriguez to another Mexican to fit the mold because this pairing of Ricardo and Rob Van Dam really makes no sense whatsoever.  What is the common thread?  Weed?  I don’t dislike Van Dam, or Ricardo, but the pairing just seems weird.  RVD being back is good though because a lot of younger talent can benefit from working with someone like Van Dam which is what we are seeing here as Sandow dominates the early going.  However RVD turns it around and gets the win with the Five-Star Frog Splash even though the sound guy screws up and plays Sandow’s music.  Since that guy screwed up can the “Best For Business” Era come out here and have him assaulted and beaten by crying Big Show and the Shield too.

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We’re told the Miz is happy to be wrestling Randy Orton (probably because in his mind he thinks this puts him in contention for the title again).  Fortunately for us it means Randy Orton is going to brutalize the Miz after Stephanie McMahon’s pep talk about how he doesn’t have any balls any more, beat the Miz into a pulp and the Miz will (hopefully) never be seen again, which compliments the fact that the Miz’s clone/doppelganger Jake Carter was fired by the WWE earlier today.  Besides, Miz is in front of his hometown crowd of Cleveland, Ohio and we all know WWE loves tormenting hometown boys.  Meanwhile in the backstage area, HHH fires Scott Armstrong.  I am sure next week Road Dogg will have to fight Randy Orton to try to earn the job back and two weeks from now Stephanie McMahon will have Bullet Bob Armstrong beaten to a pulp by the Big Show who cries about it – why?  Because wrestling goes into reruns and nothing is original in it.  The Miz vs. Randy Orton is up next.  Miz is greeting fans and even his parents at ringside when Orton attacks the Miz brutally before the bell but not as brutally as the Miz’s parents’ faces attack my eyeballs.

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 Those have to be the ugliest parents I have ever seen in my life.  They look like two piles of vomit grew somewhat-human features and decided to copulate.  I want Miz to hold a Miz TV to explain why he is the offspring of Space Mutants.  During the break the officials tried to make the Miz go to the back because his shoulder was seemingly injured by being thrown into the steel steps before the bell.  Miz refuses, angry about the humiliation he’s had to endure and he and Orton brawl viciously.  The bell still hasn’t rung yet but finally after some brutality outside by Orton it does.  Once the bell officially rings Orton launches the Miz over the announcer’s table and continues to beat him outside of the ring.  I am sure there should be a double count-out already.  Orton begins to stare down The Miz’s fat ugly dumpy father which enrages the Miz and causes him to get a second wind, tossing Orton over the barricade.  Orton is back up pretty quickly though, dumps the Miz on his head with the Orton DDT off of the barricade.  Orton goes for a steel chair while the Miz’s "horrified" (for horrified people they are completely expressionless) parents look on. Randy Orton wedges Miz’s head into a steel chair and is about to stomp on it.  He stops for a moment and sizes up The Miz from a distance to drop a running knee drop to crush the chair on Miz’s head.  Now I just wish Orton would punt the Miz and then punt his parents for being so friggin’ ugly.  I hope they never breed again and I hope the Miz and Maryse never breed to begin with.

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Okay, Wheelchair Paul Heyman is awesome.  Paulfressor X over is flanked by Ryback and Curtis Axel and grabs the microphone to tell us that since he defeated CM Punk this makes him the Best in the World.  Paul Heyman gloats and calls Ryback a beautiful man who he owes his life to.  Ryback then says he hates bullies and that CM Punk bullied Paul Heyman last night.  Ryback says he won’t ever let anyone put their hands on Paul Heyman as long as he is around.

If another man ever looked at me like this, I'd punch him.

If another man ever looked at me like this, I'd punch him.

Heyman than gives Ryback a loving look and kisses him on the head.  Legitimately.  This is freaky.  Afterwards we get a promo reminding us that somebody in WWE hates Primo and Epico since they are being repackaged as Matadors despite the fact that bull-fighting isn’t even a thing in Puerto Rico. 

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 This gimmick is so absurd that I am starting to warm up to its ridiculousness much as I did for Fandango.  I really need that promotional theme on mp3.  Up next we have The Usos taking on Tons of Funk taking on The Real Americans.  I assume the winning team gets a title match against the Shield in the future.  It is somewhat confusing that the Prime Time Players are not present in this match.  Cesaro manages to steal a roll-up win on Tensai.  Apparently this is elimination rules which sucks because that means it is still going on.  This match slows to a crawl.  I go to the bathroom, I go get a drink of water downstairs, hold a conversation with my family, and check several unchecked Snapchats and yet this match is still going on.  After a million years the Usos win to become #1 contenders against the Shield for the 8000th time this year.

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There are still 30 minutes left in the show and we’re reminded that Daniel Bryan will take on Roman Reigns in the main event of the show.  The fact we’re not even close to over is breaking my brain as we cut to a promo about teaching elementary school children literacy.  After this we get a Wyatt Family promo.  Luke Harper and Erick Rowan both look like they need literacy lessons also.

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Female anatomy all over my timeline starts gushing everywhere to the sight of the Brie Bella/Daniel Bryan backstage hug before his match with Roman Reigns up next.  Not only does Daniel Bryan have to worry about Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose of the Shield at ringside with Reigns but also Randy Orton who makes his way to the ring.  Daniel Bryan wrestles Reigns as the rest of the heels are at ringside and it’s somewhat slow-paced and a bit drab for a main event.  Reigns isn’t bad at what he does as a powerhouse but he’s not exactly a ring technician either and we’ve had so many slow paced matches tonight that the flow of this bout is actually starting to put me to sleep.  Finally things pick up on the outside a little as Reigns remembers he’s the muscle in the Shield and tosses Daniel Bryan around like a sack of garbage into the security wall.  Of course once things start waking me up we go to commercials.  The pace picks up to a more back-and-forth type of setting which is good and to be fair Reigns needs this opportunity to show whether or not he can hang as a top solo bad guy.  Reigns signals the end and goes for a power-bomb but Daniel Bryan flips Roman forward and goes for a pin.  It ends in a two-count so Daniel Bryan roundhouse kicks Reigns and goes for another cover.  It’s only a two-count while Rollins tries to get Reigns back in the game and gets hit with a baseball slide dropkick for good measure as Bryan puts Reigns back in the ring and drop kicks him in the corner.  He delivers a dropkick to Dean Ambrose as well (Ambrose was climbing the apron)>  A clothesline from Reigns gets Daniel Bryan down but Reigns takes too much time to follow up and gets snatched into Daniel Bryan’s Yes Lock.  Orton runs into the ring getting Reigns disqualified and gets locked in the Yes Lock instead only for the Shield to regroup and violently assault Daniel Bryan what feels like the same ending we’ve gotten on 90% of RAW and Smackdown episodes since Summerslam.  Randy Orton begins stomping Daniel Bryan and goes for a chair so that he can wrap it around Daniel Bryan’s head like he did to the Miz.  Orton once again sets up the running knee-drop but the entire baby-face side of the roster has had enough of this crap and rushes the ring to attack Orton and the Shield.  Chaos erupts in the ring and the inmates seem to have taken control of the asylum and the McMahons are nowhere to be found during this anarchy.  All the baby-faces stand in solidarity with Daniel Bryan chanting “YES” as he hits the running knee on Seth Rollins to clear the ring of the Shield once and for all.

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Solid ending to RAW because it shows that finally the roster has had enough of being subjugated by their Chief Operating Officer.  It’s time for the next chapter of this story “The Baby-Faces Strike Back.”  Now somebody tell the Big Show about this so he can stop crying already.  So this has been my recap of Monday Night RAW.  Now use the Share, Like and Comment at the end of this page if you want me to continue to recap RAW.  I don’t do this for my health.  I do this as a service to all of you that want or need someone to cover it, screen-capture it or review it.  I won’t do this every week unless it is what is “best for business” so if you enjoyed it speak up.   Hell, if you didn’t enjoy it, speak up.  And if you’re the Miz’s parents, e-mail me, we’d love to have you on Asked to ask you what kind of horrible accident caused you two to look that way.

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Disgusting.