Recap: WWE NXT (Nov. 6, 2013)

 So… I said I would be back to recapping in November, and still managed to not recap RAW this week.  Can you blame me?  Three hours is pretty painful, boys and girls.  I need to ease myself back into it.  Recapping wrestling is kind of like 3rd orfice intercourse – if you just ram the entire thing in there, you’re going to hurt someone, and probably cause some kind of bleeding, and they’re never going to want to do it again.  You have to ease into it slowly, so I might as well ease back into it with the one hour episode of wrestling that is NXT.

Yes.  I just compared recapping WWE wrestling to taking it in the ass.  These days it’s almost the same thing.  You should even buy yourself a gigantic bottle of Astroglide so it goes in easy.  Speaking of anal, here’s Sylvester LeFort with newest diva, Lana.

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Lana has been slowly pulling out LeFort’s boyfriend and Asked-181-guest-The-Minion-lookalike, Alexander Rusev away from LeFort, and he’s really all LeFort’s got left because the other guy he manages who looks like Larry the Cable Guy got injured.  LeFort says he always treated Rusev right and paid him well and wants to know who she is anyway.  Listen pal, if I looked like Alexander Rusev (fat, sweaty, dumpy, and ugly), I’d take the chance to get laid any time it presented itself.  She responds by basically telling him to get lost in Russian.  LeFort is now screwed as he has to wrestle Rusev tonight.

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Usually the foreign thing makes chicks hotter but in Lana’s case it makes me just want to remove her tongue so she can stop talking.  This feels like a bad episode of Borat.  She introduces Rusev in Russian and he makes his way to the ring ready to destroy LeFort.

Actually I'd probably like Rusev better if his NXT gimmick was the same as the Minion's adult video gimmick. He'd be much more interesting now that I think about it.

Actually I'd probably like Rusev better if his NXT gimmick was the same as the Minion's adult video gimmick. He'd be much more interesting now that I think about it.

Then again he looks like he intends to nail LeFort from behind while eating a can of corn.  Seriously, he does have some Minionesque qualities.

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Lefort begins counting money but it looks like he’s going to try to buy Rusev off with a stack of $1s.  He should try to buy him off in soap and hygiene products which are apparently lacking in Rusev’s native country of Bulgaria.  One guy in the crowd yells “WE WANT DAWSON.”  Apparently he is the only one.  I’m not even sure if he’s cheering for Scott Dawson or “Dawson” as in the star of Dawson’s Creek, James Van Der Beek.

This is how I feel watching Alexander Rusev wrestle.

This is how I feel watching Alexander Rusev wrestle.

By the way follow @JaimsVanDerBeek on Twitter.  He’s not the actual James Van Der Beek but he’s more amusing, I think.  Rusev kills LeFort immediately because he is uninterested in money and the crowd does not know how to react because the crowd doesn’t care about LeFort and they really don’t seem to care about Rusev either because Rusev looks like somebody’s fat dad.  I feel like this is just a giant excuse to keep playing Rusev’s crappy entrance theme again and again.

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Ric Flair’s son-daughter Charlotte and Bayley are happy they got Bayley’s headband fixed...EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS ONE ON HER HEAD ALREADY.  This feels like the ABCs of Sexual Education for Trainables.  I like Bayley, but let’s be honest here:  Her gimmick is that she is portraying “a retarded person.”  I feel like there should be a whole segment about someone exploiting her for BJs at some point in the near future as this persona she plays reminds me of someone who is tricked into her first time with 6 black men.

If Sasha Banks were the boss of me I would quit life.

If Sasha Banks were the boss of me I would quit life.

They are interrupted by Sasha Banks and Summer Rae so Summer can make her Vulture from Spider-Man faces and Sasha can think she looks heel because she wears clown-red lipstick.  Sasha has also added various jewelry that says “BOSS” on it to accent the fact she is heel.  Instead she just looks like an idiot who wears crappy bling gear that comes out of capsule toy machines at the local supermarket.  I just can’t take her seriously, nor can I really take Summer Rae seriously due to her horrible voice.  I would say this is a poor person’s Lay-Cool but that’s an insult to Lay-Cool.  Rae-Crap bought Bayley a new headband and are trying to be nice but Charlotte isn’t buying what they are selling.  Summer Rae blames Charlotte’s bad attitude on “personal issues” and Charlotte implies that Summer is trying to become her next step-mother (Ric Flair has been married and divorced like 800 times and probably got married and divorced two more times since this recap began).  Charlotte says that she and Bayley don’t need the friendship of people like Summer and Sasha but Bayley in typical retard fashion wants to be friends with everyone because she thinks they are cool.

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Oh look, Luke Harper is going to beat up Kassius Ohno for “being fat according to management” again. YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH.

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Leo Kruger returns? I didn’t know Leo Kruger was gone!  Seriously, we only see some NXT talents once every 4-6 weeks anyway so if Kruger was injured it really didn’t even register on the radar.

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El Local is in action next.  I heard Ricardo Rodriguez might stay under the El Local mask forever to avoid the creepy girl that is stalking him on Twitter:

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That’s enough to make a man enter witness protection.  Apparently Local will be jobbing to the returning Kruger tonight.  I am not sure where they’re even going with Kruger at this point.  He immediately drops El Local with a spinebuster and delivers a few running knees to the midsection of Local before knocking him down.  The crowd is absolutely dead for this.  Kruger has complete control in this match.  Kruger hugs Local’s face until he taps out.  The crowd doesn’t seem to care. 

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Emma and Paige are at odds because there has been miscommunication in matches and run-ins between the two.  Either that or someone on NXT likes listening to them argue with their funny little accents.  Am I the only one who gets stoner “let everyone put it in me while I’m passed out on the couch” vibes from Emma?  …just askin’.

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Look at these nobodies.  Did they get their WWE contracts out of a box of Cracker Jacks or what?  I’m pretty sure the winner of this match will be the other guys. 

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Yep, these guys are going to get killed by the Ascension.  I find it funny Rick Victor’s Twitter handle was RickVictor69 and after being told it was too sexual changed it to “VictorRiseWWE.”  So he toned it down by going from a 69 to just making his handle sound like he has an erection?  He’s totally a sexual deviant.  He probably wears his female roommate’s panties on his face when she’s not home.  Ascension squashes these guys and we move on to some commercials and the next match.

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I hope Mojo Rawley’s entrance gives someone an epileptic fit and they never use it (or him) again.  I really find this guy annoying.  In a world where everything is OVER-hyped the last thing we need is a guy who has an obsession with it.  He just seems like that guy who is so excited for every little thing that you wish he’d die.  Just. Die.  Mojo runs around the ring shouting and bouncing around like he is on the Mayor of Toronto levels of crack-cocaine.  He’s fighting another NXT-Nobody, Ty Dillinger.  I couldn’t care less.

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I’d rather watch Mojo from X-Men.  Wow. This NXT is only half-over.  Maybe I was wrong about this.  It FEELS like a 3 hour episode of RAW.

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Well... THAT is a sign to NOT watch next week.  I don't mean any disrespect to Adrian Neville by the way.  However, NOBODY should have to endure that much Corey Graves.  You'd be better off taking radiation.  Luke Harper vs. Kassius Ohno is up next which is interesting because not only is it the main event but they’ve given Harper some mic time to develop further recently (last week's promo on this show was pretty damn good).  Harper is arguably the guy that will be a breakaway star in the Wyatt Family faction.  I wonder why the hell Ohno’s stock has dropped so far especially considering he seems to be doing what WWE management asked him to do.  Maybe it’s because he followed the girl who shoved a flashlight in her butt for Hunter Moore.  Who knows?  Decent match which goes a bit long but for the most part it’s all Luke Harper, and Harper puts Ohno away with the clothesline to close out the show.  I’m gonna be honest.  This NXT was a little rough.  Maybe a lot rough.  In fact I’m going to take a nap before I post this to regain my energy and motivation to even give a damn to so do.