Recap: WWE NXT (Nov. 13, 2013)

I am still not recapping RAW again but I am actively doing NXT.  I don’t even know why though because NXT has failed me yet again by firing Kassius Ohno and while Chris Hero says “don’t be upset I got fired,” I still find it a stupid move by WWE management. So welcome to NXT with 100% less Chris Hero and 100% more Alexander Rusev and his man-titties.

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In memory of Kassius Ohno's career, here is a photo of Johnny Landin on a date with him.  Leave the memories alone.

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Divas Tag Team action starts off with Bayley and Charlotte taking on “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lay-Cool” (but you can because Lay-Cool was actually charismatic).  Last week Sasha Banks and Summer Rae tried to recruit Bayley because she is naïve and mildly retarded therefore easily manipulated.

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It’s nice to see that in light of their differences during the senate race in Connecticut that Linda McMahon and EdWood have resolved their differences and WWE has finally hired Matthew John, co-founder of our podcast to the NXT commentary booth… …oh wait that’s just Tensai. My bad.  It’s weird to have Tensai on the booth because on the booth he plays more of a heel whereas right now on television he is a dancing buffoon babyface. 

Disgusting.

Disgusting.

I want to point out that Sasha in her “bling” gear looks like an idiot.  She looks like that one kid who found her Mom’s drawer full of gaudy skanky clothing, and then decided to try on Mom’s makeup without knowing a thing about it either.  Plus with the way she is standing she looks like Bret Hart got a little drunk and went balls deep in some hoochie-mama in the middle of the ghetto and this was the result of those passions.  Also Summer Rae’s entrance stance makes her look even more like a bird of prey; maybe she’s one of the buzzards the Wyatt Family wants us to follow around.  Before the match Bayley hands Sasha one of her hair bands and Sasha reacts as if she’s just been handed anthrax.  It looks like Charlotte will start this off.

Disgusting x16.

Disgusting x16.

Here is a picture where Charlotte looks entirely too much like her father in the face.  If anyone wanted to know what Ric would look like in his prime after a sexual reassignment surgery, here it is.  Charlotte is creepier than Ric though because she has those rubbery stretchy Dhalsim limbs.  Crowd chants for Bayley who is tagged in and then beaten down while Byron Saxton compares her to having the mind of an 11 year old girl which means you best keep her away from Jerry Lawler.  Midway through the match Charlotte turns heel on Bayley and joins Rae-Crap.  This is so that we have 3 face divas and 3 heel divas perfectly set in the roster (the other two faces being Emma and Paige).

Nintendo presents: Super Disgusting 64 only on Nintendo 64!

Nintendo presents: Super Disgusting 64 only on Nintendo 64!

Usually these heel chick groups work because the heel group consists of total bitches who you can’t help wanting to nail.  I don’t get that impression with these three.  These three act like hot shit but they make my dick completely limp.  I would rather do crossword puzzles and watch old episodes of Jeopardy.

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YES.  Aiden “I kind of look like the default ProSexTips picture” English.  This guy is great.  He is practicing his singing voice in the back.  It reminds me of the guy in Goonies who sings to Chunk when he throws him in the trunk of the car. 

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This automatically becomes the greatest NXT episode this year when Hunico’s music hits signaling the long-awaited return of Hunico and Camacho.  Oh, wait, it’s just Camacho.  That’s still pretty good.  I’ll take it.  Camacho is the God of Mexico even though he’s not even actually Mexican.  What is interesting here is that Aiden English is the opponent.  English has been working primarily as a heel but putting him against Camacho makes me wonder if they’re going to push English as a face.  English sings his way down to the ring as always.  I wonder if English sings on the way to the bedroom when he bangs broads.  I know English is on a push right now but I want Camacho to destroy him simply because it’s Camacho.  This is funny because a year and a half ago Camacho would have broken English in half.  Camacho still controls the early going with a clothesline and scoop slam.  Camacho should win this match considering he is technically “main roster” and BECAUSE HE IS CAMACHO.  Camacho is dominating Aiden English and even stomps the crap out of him then mocks the Aiden English bow before dumping him on the mat with a side suplex.  Camacho mocks the crowd and hits a legdrop.  Camacho goes for the Samoan Drop but gets hit with the “Directors Cut” out of nowhere allowing Aiden English to get an upset victory in ONE MOVE.  I’m annoyed with the fact that many NXT talents being pushed are “one trick ponies” that have one move (English, Tyler Breeze, etc.).  English sings now that he won.  Camacho should interrupt this and begin some kind of feud after that somewhat humiliating loss.

Rusev reminds me of my dumps after eating Taco Bell.  Both are equally as talented.

Rusev reminds me of my dumps after eating Taco Bell.  Both are equally as talented.

I am pretty sure that Alexander Rusev farts, burps and eats more during intercourse with Lana than our guest from Asked 181 this week, The Minion ever did.  Why the hell is this guy still employed and Chris Hero isn’t?  What is the logic here?  Lana speaks to him in Russian, or Bulgarian, or Retard, or whatever the hell they speak.  He then responds in the same way.  I automatically face palm.

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I stay that way when I realize nothing Adrian Neville does can save this because as I said last week NOBODY should have to suffer that much Corey Graves, especially a 2 out of 3 falls Corey Graves match. 

Aww yehh donny butch plz

Aww yehh donny butch plz

Oh boy!  Danny Burch! Gee golly willickers! I’m so glad this guy is still employed in the WWE!!!  … …said no one ever.  Danny Burch is fighting Mason Ryan.  I immediately find more valuable things to do with my time, like vacuum my room or trim my nose hairs.  Both of these things are not only productive but also much more fun than watching a match between these two pieces of garbage.  Remember when WWE tried to push Mason Ryan on the main roster and nobody gave a damn about him?  The worst part is Mason Ryan, given the WWE command structure is more likely to be the guy that takes Bo Dallas’ NXT title belt from him than Sami Zayn is and that, quite frankly, is disgusting.

Not sure if Emma is cutting a promo or asking us to exterminate the Jewish community.

Not sure if Emma is cutting a promo or asking us to exterminate the Jewish community.

What. The. Hell. Is. This? Why does it remind me of Adolf Hitler? And why am I aroused by it?  It is pretty much the Hitler speech only in Emma form for self-promotion by the way.  Up next is the Graves vs. Neville main event. I refuse on the grounds of the fact Corey Graves reminds me of the AIDS virus. 

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Screw this.  Oh, we are fortunate enough that someone realized Graves winning was a stupid idea so Neville gets the final fall… with a roll-up.  I guess a roll-up is still better than losing to Corey Graves but again 2 out of 3 falls is just an excessive amount of Graves and it doesn’t work.