Recap: WWE NXT (Oct. 2, 2013)

 I was going to take the week off from NXT but then I was left with a comment from some angry person that doesn’t like my recaps. 

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So thank you “Jamesonjames” who is either, according to his IP address using a proxy or from the Philippines, a country that should worry about getting proper indoor plumbing and a pair of shoes on the poor people of the country rather than my NXT recaps.  I love feedback, positive or negative, because it means you paid attention so leave some at the end of this recap.  It’s time for NXT and whether I love it or hate it I’m going to talk about it because that’s just what I do. 


Fandango is going to be here tonight.  I wish that he’d just Curtisify when he gets here and go back to being Dirty Curty on NXT.  Then again there is no Derrick Bateman for him to feud with anymore.  Michael Hutter/Derrick Bateman and Johnny Curtis were like the Batman/Joker of NXT.  I miss that feud.  And Karlee Perez/Maxine’s bum.  You can rest assured since Fandango is here we will have some more horrible Summer Rae planned for you.  WWE has added a few of their mid-carders who appear on NXT often into the intro such as Antonio Cesaro, Big E. Langston, and Damien Sandow.  We’re starting off immediately with the mixed tag match where Fandango and Summer Rae will take on Emma and an opponent of her choosing.   


The Fandangoing from the crowd has not died the way it has diminished on main WWE television. Also Fandango does in fact look significantly more dirty and scummy than usual. Maybe he’ll be getting weird after all. Renee Young, Alex Riley, and Tony Dawson provide the commentary. Dawson says this is Fandango’s first time at NXT with Summer Rae. I was about to verbally berate him if he acted like Fandango has never been here seeing as Alex Riley, JBL, and Michael Cole have already acknowledged that Johnny Curtis and Fandango are the same guy on WWE television.

In Soviet NXT Summer Rae sticks dick in you!

In Soviet NXT Summer Rae sticks dick in you!

I admit I still love the Fandango music.  It is epic.


Emma is pretty hot.  10/10 would smash.  I think the accent adds to the overall hotness.  And the ridiculous dancing is great.  Think she does that while riding guys?  That's what I want.  I want to do Emma while her music plays and she does her dance during actual intercourse.  Her new gear looks like the walls of one of those laser tag places.  Renee Young stops to interview Emma as to whom her mystery tag team partner will be tonight.  The crowd pops huge when Santino’s theme hits proving that wrestling fans are in fact mentally retarded.  I face-palm.


I have not liked Santino since his face turn made him into Ronald McDonald or whatever-the-hell he is.  As a heel his accent, his ridiculous phrases, and attitude were hilarious, and sometimes even controversial.  I mean he made a “Tom Hanks with AIDS” joke on RAW once.  Now he’s just one “for the kids.”  I guess someone has to be but… damn if it doesn’t annoy me that the guy’s finisher is a glorified finger-poke.  At least when Mick Foley used Mr. Socko it was still the mandible claw which was still a valid finisher.  The worst part is knowing that this means Fandango is doomed to lose.  Santino has been back on WWE television about a month which means that since this was a month ago this was likely his return match and there’s no way a guy is going to lose a match.  Alex Riley pretends he is not gay and attracted to Emma at this point.  Santino actually mimics Emma’s entrance and with Emma’s help pulls it off.  Crowd starts a THIS IS AWESOME chant for Santino/Fandango.  I really wish there was a chance of Fandango pulling out the victory here.  At least the crowd is enjoying it.  There is nothing more perverse sounding than hearing the commentary of “Santino shows the Cobra.”  As Fandango escapes the ring, Emma points Santino’s cobra in the direction to do her dance and he does.  The crowd goes nuts, and we hit commercials.  Crowd has a boner for this.  Renee Young puts over how creepy Fandango is when he touches her face and gets in her personal space and its “a little weird.”  Renee adds that he only does it when Summer isn’t around.  All of sudden the commentators talk about swingers websites.  The commentary is more interesting to me than the match at this point. 


This is your semi-weekly reminder that until he got injured Oliver Grey was a better tag team partner for Adrian Neville than Corey Graves.  Graves is boring and the only reason anyone likes him is because women will put out for anyone who enters a wrestling ring and he is a poor man’s CM Punk.  I bet Graves smells like herpes.  I get a headache just looking at this.  Also Rick Victor’s Gambit-wannabe contact lenses creep me out… unless he’s actually on crack-cocaine to get his eyes like that which… still creeps me out.  And why the hell does Conor O’Brian’s robe have such a high back to it in this picture.  He looks like one of those showgirls who dresses like a peacock in Vegas. 


YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH.  Harper is probably the best one of the Wyatts.  Oh, yeah and Kassius Ohno is back from fat camp, too.  If Ohno had spent more time avoiding carbs instead of following girls on Twitter who stick flashlights in their anus for Hunter Moore I think he’d have not been “on vacation” as long as he was.

Why does it look like they're spending time in a double-sized tanning booth together?

Why does it look like they're spending time in a double-sized tanning booth together?

Poor Man’s Vampires Promo incoming.  The Ascension doesn’t like Collin Cassady or Enzo Amore which means they are going to win the tag titles and feud with them later.  Connor says they will take the NXT Championships where they belong:  OUR HOME.  Does that mean Rick Victor’s home too?  Does that mean that we can get a photo-shoot of Ashley Miller covering her breasts with one belt and her vagina with the other?


I was just informed by Johnny Landin the belts will not cover it up because she’s gained weight like Kitana kissed her during her Mortal Kombat II Fatality


There is a huge pop at ringside for the return of Kassius Ohno.  I’m glad he stopped dressing like a hipster.  That was horrible.


 YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH.  I wonder who Harper nut sundaes with now that Audrey is fired.  Luke Harper dominates Ohno early on, and I’m even surprised the crowd is chanting YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH any time Harper does it.  I am wondering if Ohno is being punished for the fact management allegedly wants Ohno to tone up.  Ohno gets dropped like anyone else from Ohio, ever on NXT and loses to Harper clean after Harper hit him with the Clothesline from Yeah. 


Yeah yeah, bada-bing, bada-boom, sawft, etc. We get it.  I don’t see what everyone sees in these guys.  I don’t think they are terrible, but I also don’t think they’re the greatest thing ever seen in the WWE.  They’re just the next Zack Ryders.  At least Enzo cut down on the smokes because he sounds less like he has empyema while cutting his promos.  I admit to laughing when Colin Cassady calls Alexander Russev “Big Mush” Russev.  Because he’s a walking fat turd.  I admit to laughing when Colin Cassady calls Alexander Russev “Big Mush” Russev.  Because he’s a walking fat turd.  Wait.  How come these guys are calling out Russev and Scott Dawson while being called out by the Ascension?  What a mess.




Mojo Rawley promo makes Bo Dallas seem like a blessing.  This guy is obsessed with “hype” and he hashtags a lot on Twitter and talks about how blessed he is.  He makes me want to put a bullet through my computer monitor.  He talks about the power of HYPE and how it can give you super human powers.  He sounds like a PCP addict, actually.  


I hate hype.  In my opinion hype is the problem with society.  People are “too hyped” for everything and it cuts off their higher brain functions.  The only thing anyone should be hyped for are the things here on – other than that there is nothing for you to get hyped for in the world, ever.  The man turned down an NFL contract to be in the WWE in what has to be the most royally stupid move of all-time.  


Our NXT Tag Title match is next.  I fall asleep while the Ascension places restholds on Graves.  Ascension eventually wins.  I can’t say I care as we go to commercials and come back to Bo Phallus.


Why do I watch this again?


The first man to answer the Bo Dallas invitational looks like he delivers Bill DeMott pizzas in his spare time.  I’m pretty sure that is probably what happened.  He probably came to deliver DeMott’s fat ass some food, DeMott didn’t have money for the tip, and told him come to the performance center so he could be called all sorts of disparaging names and have a gun shoved in his face.  THIS GUY as the crowd calls him almost gets a 3 count.  Crowd goes nuts and Bo Dallas then kills him with the spear.   


The crowd pops when the next opponent is someone substantially more dangerous, Leo Kruger and his giant nose background graphic.


The crowd goes even more insane when the Real Americans’ theme hits and Antonio Cesaro makes his way to the ringside area.  Kruger and Cesaro both want in.  The crowd chants for a triple threat.  Cesaro cheap-shots Kruger as a “WE THE PEOPLE” chant start.  Bo Dallas attacks Cesaro from behind while he was fighting Kruger, eliminating both men to the outside, making them take a spill and clearing the ring. Bo is surprised by what looks like El Local in a black costume, only not fat and Mexican.  We know this is Sami Zayn and this is a nod to the time he spent as El Generico.  He kicks Bo Dallas’ head in and pins him for a 3. 


The crowd chants OLE while Tony Dawson claims this is really El Local.  No wonder Dawson got fired from commentary.  If he can’t figure out that El Local has lost about 100 lbs. and become a white guy, he fails.  El Local unmasks to reveal he is Sami Zayn and Bo Dallas is infuriated that the guy he banned from this invitational has a win over him entitling Zayn to a title match despite Bo Dallas’ constant claims that he is not ready.  Not a bad little ending to an otherwise lackluster episode of NXT.  I hope you have all enjoyed my awful recap.  Or not. Doesn’t matter to me either way.