Plenty of Fish Fails: Riv Edition

In a world where Match.com, eHarmony & Meet Me and even Christian Mingle (which I was a part of briefly), charge money to speak to everyone, there is but one site that allows free messaging and a chance to find an encounter that can change your life – that site is Plenty Of Fish.  If you’re a normal human being who is down on your luck it might be the place to find online true love.

 

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If you’re a Puerto Rican who has been palming too long on Team LOSING like me or Johnny Landin, however, it’s a cesspool of horrid hideous disgusting people, and the destruction of all hope in your city of residence. I am going to show you some of the horrors of this site. But first, my profile, which is likely a horror in and of itself: 

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I tried to use my strongest traits here which are my honesty and my sense of humor. However, that is a mistake. You see, nobody on Plenty Of Fish wants “FUN.” This is because everyone on Plenty Of Fish is desperate and the site is only one step above Craigslist in terms of its place in the barrel which holds the gene pool. I guess when virtually 97% of women on Plenty Of Fish have children who are usually anywhere between 1 to 18 months telling them I am “Daniel Benoit in a Chris Benoit World” doesn’t sit well. I mean I haven’t seen this many babies since the last time I viewed a maternity ward. I’m in no way insulting women with children. I am however insulting the women who come on Plenty Of Fish intentionally looking for a Baby Stepdaddy.

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Geez, FOUR of them? Who was her ex-husband, Bill Cosby? Well, no, because he’s an educated man and he would have taught her how to spell, write and operate the CAPS LOCK button. You would think since her only hobbies are her litter of kids and READING GOOD BOOKS that literature would have rubbed off on her. Chances are by READING GOOD BOOKS it means the only book she’s ever read in her life was Push by Sapphire (a.k.a. the subject matter for the movie Precious - Click the links to purchase either of them on Amazon). But children, no children, doesn’t matter – the women on Plenty of Fish will make you wonder if the fish are living in a pond located next to the Nuclear Plant from the Simpsons.

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I would probably rather become intimate Blinky the Three Eyed Fish than most of them.

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I also have to wonder what happened when women show up on this site and have their age listed as being in their early 20s but have more wrinkles than my grandmother. Life must have taken a massive dump on you to get you to this level. I mean seriously if you’re already appearing like you need a face-lift at 23, what the hell are you going to look like at 46?

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I think “Nu” should be a selectable body type.  Of course selectable body types are amusing in the fact that a lot of people don’t realize that they’re as big as they look.  Here is an example:

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Here is an example:

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 Bitch, you’re a BBW. Have we gotten so fat as a country that “BBW” is the “new ‘average?’” Say it isn’t so!!!

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Here’s another one who lists their body type as “undisclosed” when they aren’t really hiding anything. She’s also showing us that women on here completely overuse the “over the head” camera angle to try to appear less fat. News flash: It doesn’t work. Usually if your profile is ALL “over the head” shots, we know better. What’s made more annoying is some girls who really shouldn’t hide behind the angle still do.

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This girl has a little weight but isn’t ugly at all and has some wonderful tits, however the fact that she takes the angle makes her seem like she’s trying to hide and that makes me find her a bit creepy in her own right. Then again I guess the ones who aren’t hiding it aren’t any better, case in point this woman who looks like Eric Cartman.

You should be able to report this picture FOR showing the user's face. 

You should be able to report this picture FOR showing the user's face. 

 I like South Park. I do. I would not want to have a relationship with it, though. Furthermore Cartman’s profile has criteria to be met such as the list below, which Plenty Of Fish automates.

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Don’t worry lady, I don’t think ANYBODY wants an intimate encounter with you.

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 For some reason if you enjoy obese black women, Plenty of Fish is your site, as it has more fat black women than your local KFC after church on a Sunday afternoon.

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This one named her photo “POW!” This is because looking at the photo makes me feel like I have been hit in the face with a POW brick from the Super Mario games.

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Add to that a woman who is one letter removed from being “Big Bertha.” Just add the H, lady. The H can stand for “How in the hell don’t you have diabetes yet?”

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Whether you want A girl that looks like she gives stinkfaces like Rikishi…

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…or a girl that resembles King Mabel, Plenty of Fish is FOR YOU!

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 One girl was actually pretty and wanted to know where all the men on this site are. I decided to give her the best explanation I could.

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Plenty of Fish also allows you to choose an animal for your profile header and I have to say that if you chose “The Whale” you have already lost the game. However, it’s not just the obese women of Plenty Of Fish that make it bad. In some cases, the ones that aren’t fat are far, far worse.

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Behold: “The Swordfish.” Remember those “animals” I said you can put in your header? Well this one happened to have picked a swordfish because she is in fact a transsexual. Get it? She has a sword down there, so she’s a “swordfish!” That’s so funny! No, actually it’s not funny at all. It makes me cry because there are chicks with dicks on this site. Now not only am I running away from the rolling boulder but trying to avoid getting stabbed by spears. This is starting to look like an Indiana Jones film.

Is this a Koopa Troopa?

Is this a Koopa Troopa?

Even the chicks without dicks seem to suffer from male-pattern baldness, which is great. I’ve always wanted to hang out with chicks that looked like walking black cocks.

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This girl was pretty but I feel like the two Muppets next to her probably ran a train on her, and that’s just disturbing to me. I resisted the urge to send a message and ask her, though. I wonder if they made cartoon character voices while their cloth green and blue dicks DPed her. Aside from that most women who are attractive have profiles where they issue a list of demands.

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Apparently dating women has become a “hostage negotiation” scenario and “vagina” is the hostage. Have we as men sunk so low in society’s hierarchy that women are now allowed to come up with a specific list of which we must meet every expectation ON that list in order to get to know someone? That’s not how romance works! There is good and there is bad in everyone. If you love someone you must take the good with the bad. You must decide whether their pros outweigh their cons. You don’t sit there and make a Powerpoint presentation or come up with a shopping list. I solely blame the guys who spend all day complimenting every woman that has a pulse for this – congratulations, you have allowed the female ego to reach “OUT OF CONTROL” levels. Screw you. Hand in your badge and your dick. You’re on suspension without pay. Now back to the horrible profiles on this site, of which there are many.

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Even if you manage to find a pretty girl that isn’t putting a long list of demands they tend to have sad fetishes like this woman who is only attracted to OBESE MALES. That’s right. You’re doing it wrong. Forget about trying to make an effort. Be a stinky fat man and the V will be yours!

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Another issue is that sometimes there is such a thing as “too much information.” This girl for example is kinda pretty (other than making a stupid facial expression) and in a perfect world I would give her a delicious nut Sundae on her glasses...

You lost me at "four score and seven years ago."

You lost me at "four score and seven years ago."

 …she also took the liberty of using her “About Me” to pretty much write the Emancipation Proclamation.  I really didn’t read any of that, and the fact that I didn’t means I’m not going to contact her because if I take the time to read the novel she has posted I already know her life story, what she had for breakfast and the size of her last dump.

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 Skinny chicks are just as bad in many cases, especially when they look like they spent their summer vacation at Auschwitz and had a healthy diet of Nazi Special Strudel and Zyklon-B.

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Of course there are also the types that look so much like Erik the Midget the header in their profile should read: “ACK ACK ACK!”  I’m not sure what exactly is worse, however: looking like Erik the Midget or looking like a Fat Albert cartoon character. 

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 If it's not ACK-ACK-ACK it's HEY-HEY-HEY!  God, I hate this place.  Also that girl's shirt is one letter off from saying “SCAT."  She looks like she's into fecal matter, too.

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Then there’s the sadness of the fact that even if you wade through the chicks with dicks you have to contend with the women who don't have dicks and simply look flat-out like men.  This one is complaining she is straight.  Well, you certainly don’t look it, so don’t complain when the lesbians mack on you because of your horrible style choices.  You look like your first name is Jose. That’s YOUR fault. 

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The really lame profiles kill me more than anything else.  I mean if you can’t spell “tasty” I shudder to think what other errors you have made not just in the usage of proper spelling and grammar but also in life. And some of the big bitches on here always have cake on the brain. 

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This one is not about “charity cake.”  What exactly IS a charity cake? Is it a cake you buy with government issued food stamps?  I think the worst part is when a pretty girl is offset by a stupid profile: 

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The profile above for example is just retarded.  I don’t want you to post the Bible like the one hot chick did but at least put enough thought into what you’re saying to type more than THIS: 

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 When you say “show me something,” the first thing that most men think is of taking off their pants.  In my case, I would take this girl on a nice first date where I showed her Jinjack.jpg.  Nothing could ever prepare me however for the final profile I am about to show you, the Main Event of Mediocrity, the Capo of Crap, the Empress of “Eww Nasty!” I am talking about DA BADDEST.

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DA BADDEST is so bad that she has to inform you she is DA BADDEST EVER BORN on her photos. All of them.

 

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Not sure if those are shorts or a diaper for her to take big dumps in so she doesn’t have to leave the dinner table.

 

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DA BADDEST EVER BORN has also birthed her own child and tried to look completely sexy while her kid sat there looking exposed and terrified in the kitchen next to her.  SHE’S SO BAD SHE A BAD MOMMA, and also a bad mother.  The fact that someone had sex with her and gave her a baby is proof that the human race has gone downhill and we all need to be killed off by the aliens.

 I hope the aliens at least play that dope song from Grand Theft Auto V while they eliminate the human race.

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And of course her profile is filled with so many spelling and grammatical errors that she can’t possibly have higher than a 6th grade reading level.  DA BADDEST EVER BORN just makes me feel bad for having to share the planet with her.  But I guess I’m no better.

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Plenty Of Fish also shows you who actually took the time to look at your profile and I can see all the pretty girls that didn’t bother to message me because I wasn’t good enough and see all the girls that didn’t message me back because they didn’t like what I had to say making me feel sad and unattractive in the process.  Can all I attract are the dregs of society?  Are the only people interested the ones that have turned this site into “Plenty of Whales?”  What is love?  Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more.

Well, this has been an epic failure and I am sure that I am done with Plenty of Fish which is a reminder that I am probably better off masturbating into a sock until my dying days. Maybe that’s not so bad. I have more charm, charisma, and intelligence in my hand than these women have in their entire beings. Be sure to stay tuned for Johnny Landin’s findings on Plenty Of Fish in the sequel to this article. His will have women who look like John C. Reilly, clones of our Asked co-host Ashlynn and angry midget arabs. Also since Johnny actually has abs women actually contact him. Nobody wants to speak to me so it doesn’t look like I’ll be sharing my “nut Sundae” any time in the near future but before I leave Plenty Of Fish forever, I think I will turn my profile from “comedic babyface” into “Serious Heel.”

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