Plenty of Fish Fails: Landin Edition

As I'm sure you know by now, Plenty of Fish, or POF for short, is a dating website which allegedly has millions of users. But what they don't tell you is that 96% of those millions are morbidly obese, or nightmarish people who belong in a horror movie. I'm sure you people are wondering why a man of my stature would use a website such as this one. The primary reason was for entertainment purposes, because I knew how bad it was prior to signing up. Which is why I had both Riv and “Kara” sign up alongside me, so we could experience this pain together.

Bear in mind I was too ashamed to even use my real name or put any personal information on this website, for fear of someone from my school finding me on here. It's bad enough that my photos are on this website. I look out of place, like Marilyn on the Munsters.

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If you've never seen Jason Rivera or Kara's POF articles before, I’d highly advise you to do so before reading mine, as their scenarios are possibly even more horrifying than mine. As a matter of fact, our POF experiences draw comparisons to Resident Evil 6 (click here to purchase on Amazon), in that we’re experiencing the same thing from alternate perspectives, and we're all risking the possibility of being eaten. Ever since I joined this website I've had nightmares where I was a bacon cheeseburger and fat women were chasing me to eat me. Which is why I’ve made a headline specifying I do NOT want fat chicks to talk to me.

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Which is ironic considering all of the pics of fat chicks above my banner. And then there's my About Me, where I go into detail of how I feel about the site, and I even list my favorite activities, none of which the people of POF practice.

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 I’m pretty sure the real reason they call this website Plenty of Fish is because every woman on the site smells like fish. Either that, or because it's like shooting fish in a barrel... if you're into fat chicks. So more accurately, it's like scraping the bottom of a barrel.

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 The real joke about the site is that it was allegedly made by PhD's, yet anyone with a brain can see that the site is a mess. The entire layout and HTML of the website looks more like something you'd receive in your email's spam folder than a site created by doctors. As a matter of fact, the people who made the site probably didn't even graduate high school.

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 POF is such a ghetto mess of a website, it makes the old MySpace look like the Hamptons in comparison. POF is like the dating site equivalent of K-Mart. And not a clean K-Mart in 1990, but a dirty K-Mart in 2012 with crap smeared all over the floor. Someone probably learned web design and was horny one night so they made this site to try and get some gash.

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The chemistry test is a joke and is there for pretty much no reason, as the same fat chicks pop up on your log in screen regardless of whether or not you take it. If I were in charge of the testing, the first questions would deal with body weight and whether or not you're into fat people, then we’d take it from there. So just who is it that's behind this mess of a website? A smooth player like Hitch? Nope, a nerd named Markus.

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No wonder he made this site, he looks like he would gladly bang all of the ugly women on here. He probably deletes all of the hot chick profiles on purpose just because he knows he has no shot with them. He's got a conspiracy to stop me from sinking the dink with anything above a 2 on a scale of 10. It's all part of his grand revenge scheme to get me to bone a circus freak like he has his whole life.

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 Like this broad, who looks like John C. Reilly from Step Brothers. It's incomprehensible why a man of my stature would have to deal with these cretins.

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 THESE are my matches, I'm screwed. Look at these things. What a line up. I'd rather go gay than even acknowledge any of these women. I should sue Markus for false advertisement, because I'm sure most guys come on here expecting to sink the dink and instead they get women who look like the marshmallow man

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 I want someone to love me for me." And I want 10 hot wives in thongs, a tiger and a mansion on an island. Good luck with that. As a matter of fact, the only thing interesting about this person is the fact that her hometown is called "Hamburg" and she's obviously eaten way too many hamburgers in her lifetime.

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 I'm pretty sure that’s the same person. As a matter of fact I think that\'s a before and after trannie picture.

Sometimes I get so bored on this website that I browse fat chick profiles just to see if there's anything interesting on them, like an origin story that explains the path that lead them to being larger than Chris Farley in his prime. Or a botched genetic experiment which left them permanently forced to live off of donuts and ice cream. Take this one, for example:

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I would assume her origin story is that she was bred to be act in the live action version of "Captain Caveman."
 

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I bust my ass day in and day out to at least look as good as I can within my own genetic limitations, the least these women can do is put in an equal amount of effort. For crying out loud, me reproducing with any of these people would ruin my DNA.

 

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No offense to the mutant population, but I think that girl is one of the Morlocks from the X-Men. She looks like she would eat my face and murder me in my sleep. Nobody is doing this website correctly. And this is so evident that the people in charge of the site have created instructional videos, presumably for all of the retards who don't know how to socialize or communicate properly with one another.

 Sadly, this POF dating coach is more attractive than 96% of the girls on the website. I wonder if she has a profile, I could probably rail her. It's also worth noting that none of the people on the website look like the people in this video. They should film this again with people who have cankles and triple chins.

You know you've been on this website for too long if, after a while, you become desensitized to the fat women and start to look for the lesser of evils. Like, "which one has the smaller arms?" and "who has the least chins?" That's usually your cue to go to the mall or something and find some normal broads who aren't shaped like Gimli. But there's something addictive about clicking "No" on women who look like fairy tale ghouls.

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Aside from hurting my eyeballs and scarring my brain with horrific mental images of women I would never want to be romantic with, this website has also done a more sinister act: It has boosted the ego of the 5 or 6 attractive women on the website. Because the website is primarily filled with desperate men with no game, as evidenced in the Kara article, this site causes the 5 hot women, or "Smurfettes" as I'd like to call them, to think they're hot. Thus, when a man like myself messages them, I'm likely to be drowned out amongst all of the "heys," or ignored despite being a genius who is shaped like a Greek god. Like Riv said, women like to make demands on this website like they're Raquel Welch in her prime. But realistically most of them are a Ricki Lake at best.

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Now with a list of demands you'd think these chicks would actually look good. But low and behold they usually look like this:

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It's like Grimace photo bombing the American gothic farmers.

What’s even worse than the demands is the people who write their autobiographies as if anyone even gives a damn and is going to read it all. Like this:

 

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WHO CARES? Any normal person would lose interest just trying to read that long novel.

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 Did I mention she looks like Doc Brown to boot?

Great Scott!!!

Great Scott!!!

 Some people just shouldn't be on this website. But they are addicted and insist on hoeing even when they're on their death beds.

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 There also an overabundance of transsexuals on this website who put their gender down as "woman," despite obviously having a cock and balls. I'm not sure how they think that's going to work out for them. Like this one, who's clearly an angry, frog faced man.

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That's bad, but at least he admits to being a trannie. This one denies it completely:

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 What's great is the profile says "I must point out, though, that at this point in my life I can no longer have children, and I would not be interested in starting a family, but if you already have children, that is okay."

YEA, YOU CAN'T HAVE KIDS CUZ YOURE A MAN YOU LYING PRICK.

This site is like some kind of sick version of "F-M-K” where your choices are fat women, midgets and trannies, and the sad thing is, the midgets on this website look better than the full grown adults.

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 This chick isn't just a midget, she's a fun sized @MahawishZ !<P>

The bottom line is, if you\'re looking to meet someone on here, you're in for a huge disappointment. That is, unless, your name is Rob Schneider and you're looking to film another sequel to Deuce Bigalow. The entire site needs a re-design and re-branding. I think I'm going to offer Markus $11.99 to purchase it like Justin Timberlake buying MySpace. I'll rename it Plenty of Whales, market it towards the morbidly obese, and use the tag line "small talk, big women."

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But until this plan comes to fruition, I'm going to do the only logical thing left for my sanity and my eyesight.

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OnlineBootyCall.com - Finding the pieces... without the Puzzle