Recap: WWE Monday Night RAW (Sept. 30, 2013)

Note:  This recap is VERY late. Mainly because the computer crashed three times while trying to publish it late Monday night.  While most of what is in here is irrelevant now, I can't stand the fact I gathered all the screen-captures and wrote the recap without ever posting it so I am posting it now. If you like it great. If not, I don't care.  Do what you do. 

I wasn’t going to recap this RAW tonight mainly because watching wrestling with the lot of you nerds is pretty gay.  But apparently Los Matadores are debuting tonight and therefore I am obligated on the basis of race to recap this garbage.  This is cutting into my Grand Theft Auto V time which is vastly superior to this PG “poo poo” nonsense that is WWE these days.  Why the hell are we already at ANOTHER WWE Pay-Per-View when the last one was like two weeks ago?  This is that point in the calendar when WWE has like 3 Pay-Per-Views in a 6 week period and anyone who isn’t mentally retarded gets sick of them and doesn’t want to watch anymore, myself included.

Buy an ugly new CM Punk shirt today!  Seriously, CM Punk could wear a shirt with a photo of his feces that read "best dump in the world" and the average wrestling fan would buy it.

Buy an ugly new CM Punk shirt today!  Seriously, CM Punk could wear a shirt with a photo of his feces that read "best dump in the world" and the average wrestling fan would buy it.

 CM Punk’s theme starts off.  His new t-shirt looks ridiculous.  It looks like an ugly bowtie with a deformed penis hanging from it.  I unfollowed CM Punk on Twitter to do myself the favor of not seeing nothing but 100s of tweets kissing his ass from people I follow.  I don’t even dislike CM Punk, I just find the hero worship of the lot of you too irritating to continue to follow him.  He’s on a collision course with Ryback.  Punk cuts a promo I don’t really care for.  To be honest this feud with Punk and Paul Heyman is losing steam mainly because Brock Lesnar was the only part of it that was decent.  Punk fighting Curtis Axel or Ryback doesn’t put asses in the seats. 

Raise your hand if you're a homo.

Raise your hand if you're a homo.

Brad Maddox comes out here and Punk makes fun of him - not for wearing clothing that comes from Baby GAP or from not being man enough to grow full facial hair or having the voice of a molestation victim but for not having entrance music. Okay, then.  Maddox was involved in the CM Punk/Ryback feud last year too which is living proof wrestling goes into reruns.  WWE is too busy telling us to donate money to Breast Cancer research to put on a great product.  Can I just get to the Matadores and turn this off? 

with the lot of you nerds is pretty gay.  But apparently Los Matadores are debuting tonight and therefore I am obligated on the basis of race to recap this garbage.  This is cutting into my Grand Theft Auto V time which is vastly superior to this PG “poo poo” nonsense that is WWE these days.  Why the hell are we already at ANOTHER WWE Pay-Per-View when the last one was like two weeks ago?  This is that point in the calendar when WWE has like 3 Pay-Per-Views in a 6 week period and anyone who isn’t mentally retarded gets sick of them and doesn’t want to watch anymore, myself included. 

CM Punk’s theme starts off.  His new t-shirt looks ridiculous.  It looks like an ugly bowtie with a deformed penis hanging from it.  I unfollowed CM Punk on Twitter to do myself the favor of not seeing nothing but 100s of tweets kissing his ass from people I follow.  I don’t even dislike CM Punk, I just find the hero worship of the lot of you too irritating to continue to follow him.  He’s on a collision course with Ryback.  Punk cuts a promo I don’t really care for.  To be honest this feud with Punk and Paul Heyman is losing steam mainly because Brock Lesnar was the only part of it that was decent.  Punk fighting Curtis Axel or Ryback doesn’t put asses in the seats. 

Brad Maddox comes out here and Punk makes fun of him.  Maddox was involved in the CM Punk/Ryback feud last year too which is living proof wrestling goes into reruns.  WWE is too busy telling us to donate money to Breast Cancer research to put on a great product.  Can I just get to the Matadores and turn this off?

THREE AIN'T ENOUGH MAN, I NEED FIVE.

THREE AIN'T ENOUGH MAN, I NEED FIVE.

YES!  BIG E. LANGSTON.  AWW YEAH.  Now we’re talking.  I like Langston and he’s been an after-thought ever since they phased him out of AJ Lee’s corner to phase Tamina Snuka into her corner and her vag.  Langston clocks Punk with a microphone and immediately begins attacking him.  Langston should have been the one to align with Paul Heyman but Vince McMahon has an erection for Ryback.  A referee makes it down here and an impromptu match starts.  Decent match ensues.  Punk defeats Langston so they can claim that Langston and Ryback are similar so Punk might just be able to beat Ryback.

Staring Contest Main Event Tonight!!!  Oh well, at least they're done having Daniel Bryan hug people and go to therapy.  For a company run by Republicans they're all about Liberal propaganda.

Staring Contest Main Event Tonight!!!  Oh well, at least they're done having Daniel Bryan hug people and go to therapy.  For a company run by Republicans they're all about Liberal propaganda.

 This is also getting boring.  I’m tired of Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton.  The “hey let’s put like 4 PPVS in 2 months” period of the year is rough because nothing advances.  I'm about 90% sure Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton will happen again at Hell in a Cell which is in like 2 weeks - if something is good, use it but don't overuse it.  Medicine is good for you when you are sick.. until you take too much and have an overdose.  That is what we are getting in wrestling.  We’re now reminded of the drama between the Rhodes Family and the McMahon family.

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 Stephanie McMahon and her wife are going to meet face to face with Cody Rhodes, Dusty Rhodes, and Goldust.  Dusty Rhodes' kids look like the poster children for GLAAD.  I hope Big Show knocks them all out while crying again.

Rise above propaganda t-shirts.

Rise above propaganda t-shirts.

 Fandango has a Rise Above Cancer shirt mainly because he appeals to women and gay males who would wear actually pink.  I really miss the Scumbag Johnny Curtis character.  We all knew Fandango was going to be stuck floating like an turd that can't be flushed in the mid-card but at this point it is kind of sad that his career has plateaued out on this level when he is capable of being more than a guy who says his own name homo-erotically and dances with a 30-year old with small breasts and a beak.

 Boom!  Boom!  Bo-ring!

 Boom!  Boom!  Bo-ring!

Oh joy!  Fandango is fighting Kofi Kingston again.  I do not care.  I’m going to go turn Grand Theft Auto V on.  Screw this.  Kofi wins.  I don’t care.  I was loading up my X-Box 360.  I have a feeling it’s going to be one of THOSE Raws.  There is literally nothing Kofi Kingston can do to become interesting at this point other than turn heel and have a mean streak.  He's good in the ring, yes - but he's generally had the same match since he got to the main roster and that was back in what? 2007?  There you go.  Kofi Kingston is "The Man From 2007."

Does the arena lose its lighting because of the OMG GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN?

Does the arena lose its lighting because of the OMG GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN?

 The Wyatt Family comes out here, presumably to commit a crime of hate on Kofi Kingston.  Bray Wyatt sits in his rocking chair on the ramp and begins cutting a promo.  The Wyatt family seems to be standing behind Bray as opposed to attacking Kofi who is in the middle of the ring with a chair.  After the promo we cut to commercials. Um. Okay and the point of that was?  I like Bray Wyatt and I like the Wyatt Family but everything they do reeks of "we destroyed Kane, now what?"  I thought the powers that be in the WWE had a long term plan for these guys.  What was it?  Stand around and talk about Sister Abigail?

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Here is a pre-show match NOBODY cares about for this Sunday’s Pay-Per-View.  This is the definition of filler.  I take it back - some women (and men) are going to fap to Dolph Ziggler. Maybe if Sandow and Ziggler were feuding or there was a "briefcase on the line" stipulation or something along those lines it would catch some attention.

You can look but you can't touch!  Mainly because Nikki probably doesn't have insurance on her expensive breast implants.

You can look but you can't touch!  Mainly because Nikki probably doesn't have insurance on her expensive breast implants.

 Here come the Bella Twins who everyone kisses the ass of now that they are reality television stars on Total Divas because they’re easily brainwashed.  I don’t give a damn about the Bella Twins.  Randy Orton threatens them because one of them is engaged to Daniel Bryan.  Who cares?

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 Paul Heyman cuts the same anti-CM-Punk-promo he’s been cutting for six weeks.  The man is brilliant but it doesn’t mean his promos are immune to becoming repetitive and played out.  WWE uses repetition as a means of brainwashing the viewers because if you repeat the same things over and over and over and over and over people will eventually just become attuned to it.  It’s television’s version of Stockholm Syndrome.  I like Paul Heyman.  I like CM Punk.  They're great at telling a story, and fantastic on the microphone.  But they have been telling this story for too long with the same points hammered home over and over again.

Epico and Primo have been repackaged with penis mask-caps and bullfighter costumes.  This will either be legendary or a disaster.

Epico and Primo have been repackaged with penis mask-caps and bullfighter costumes.  This will either be legendary or a disaster.

 

YES!  Los Matadores are here!  This is so bad it might be good. 

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2 3MB guys are here to job to the Matadores.  Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal are here but Drew McIntyre is off somewhere else - probably tying a noose and looking for a Bowflex because he has nothing left.  Primo and Epico have been renamed Fernando and Diego.  I was hoping that WWE wouldn't insult our intelligence with renames for these two.

You know what else begins with a bull?  S-H-I-T.

You know what else begins with a bull?  S-H-I-T.

They have a midget bull mascot.  This is… embarrassing.  I find myself disappointed.  And screw what WWE says – I intend to still refer to them as Primo and Epico.  This is pretty bad.  The crowd chants BORING and the Colons put Slater away with a double side suplex, an equally boring, unimpressive finisher.  However since most of the Internet has ADD they think its the greatest thing ever, and will likely hand the El Generico/Sami Zayn "OLE OLE OLE" chants to it anyway because MIchael Cole and JBL are attempting to force them to do so.  I can't suspend disbelief when I am being told that Puerto Ricans are bullfighters.  I am a Puerto Rican.  I know what I am talking about.

Do you think Alicia's boyfriend, Wade Barrett motorboats those bad boys?  I bet her breasts look like they've been attacked with a cheese grater from the Barrett Beard Barrage of his face.

Do you think Alicia's boyfriend, Wade Barrett motorboats those bad boys?  I bet her breasts look like they've been attacked with a cheese grater from the Barrett Beard Barrage of his face.

Just shut up and show your breasts, Alicia Fox.  Susan G. Komen is more likely to come back from the dead and wear the Divas belt than Alicia is to win it again at this point.

3 generations of lisps.

3 generations of lisps.

The Rhodes Family comes out here to talk to the McMahons.  I find that all motivation I have to watch this show is drained by the fact they’ve mentioned Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer like 400 times the past hour.  I get that WWE is trying to do this great thing for Breast Cancer, but nobody watches wrestling for this sentimental Family Ties bullshit.  People who care about this watch the Lifetime Channel or Oxygen.  I don’t think that WWE knows what its target audience should be and the only reason they are so family friendly is because the two people the Rhodes family are speaking to right now, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon pumped out three female children. 

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Thanks for nothing, douchebags.  The McMahons talk to what failures the Rhodes family are.  The McMahons tell the Rhodes family that to get their jobs back Cody Rhodes and Goldust will have to defeat The Shield (Rollins and Reigns) at Battleground.  If the Rhodes family loses none of them will work in the WWE again and Dusty will be fired as well.  The Shield jumps the Rhodes family after the McMahons leave.  Typical.  Why am I watching this?  Curtis Axel vs. R-Truth is up next and I give my capture card a break because nobody cares.  CM Punk’s music hits and Axel loses to Truth.  Meanwhile people get angry that I’m calling them out on being annoying on Twitter which is hilarious like the “why do you keep watching then?”  That’s a good question:  probably things like “hope” or “force of habit.” But I’m not going to stop commenting when I find something stupid.  Brie Bella vs. Alicia Fox is up next.   It’s also a good time to mention that Brie is suddenly #1 contender for the Divas title when it was Natalya last week.  Brie won, by the way.  Nobody cared other than people who watch Total Divas every week.  

The Hounds of Justice only know 1 trick.

The Hounds of Justice only know 1 trick.

Another match that is terribly lackluster is up.  A lot of people mentioned that the Usos were supposed to get another tag title shot against the Shield.   WWE seems to forget what they were doing a week ago.  If there was ever a sign Vince McMahon has Alzheimer’s disease that is it.  As much as people like the Shield, let's be honest here:  They have the same match every week and have done so since their debut with the exception being their first Pay-Per-View match where they went extreme and used tables and ladders in a way that hasn't been seen in a long time.  What happened to those guys?  Now I'm stuck with three guys women post about having intercourse with all over Twitter.  The average female wrestling fan goes all 50 Shades of Grey 12 times a show.

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Paul Heyman is in love with Ryback for bringing him food.  This is a weird little “faction” if you can call it that.  Also the Intercontinental Title seems like an afterthought because Curtis Axel never defends it.  Paul Heyman says he’s going to propose to Ryback. Seriously.

 

They should bottle The Big Show's tears and sell them on the WWE Shop Website.

They should bottle The Big Show's tears and sell them on the WWE Shop Website.

The Big Show is here to cry.  I can’t pity him because according to this story line he made bad life decisions with his money so the moral of the story is when you come into a good job with good pay don’t spend your money poorly.  He finally has had enough and walks off, leaving the WWE (allegedly)>  I hope a series of vignettes airs showing Big Show get mundane jobs like “People Greeter At Walmart” and “Ticket Stub Counter” at the movies and getting fired from all of them. 

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 R-Truth wants an Intercontinental title match with Curtis "Nobody Cares About Me" Axel.  I think it’s a good idea.  This way we can see him in the dark or at night.  It might lower the crime rate 37%. 

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 Big Show meanwhile wants to talk to Triple H and threatens to eat Brad Maddox because all those ugly pastel colors Maddox wears makes him look like Easter candy.  Meanwhile Zack Ryder is on the way to the ring to get destroyed like he is any time he is on this program.  He’s taking on ADR.  How many times has Alberto Del Rio squashed Ryder over the past few years?  Lots. 

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Is every shirt going to be in pink for Breast Cancer awareness?  Del Rio destroys Ryder.  Remember the time he destroyed Ziggler and the entire Internet cried about it?  That was great.  

MEXICO!!!

MEXICO!!!

I enjoy Del Rio because of the fact everyone seems to despise him and I can sympathize because people hate me too.  When he does it I can accuse his haters of being racist because he is a Mexican patriot.  Also he looks like somebody's Dad.  I wish he were my Dad.  I would take all his money and houses and live like a drug kingpin like he does.

Congratulations on your civil union.

Congratulations on your civil union.

This picture is amazingly creepy.  I’m wondering what the hell this is.  It can’t be a serious marriage proposal, can it?  WWE is pretty politically correct though and could claim it’s a pro-homosexuality agenda.  You never know with them.  They care more about politics these days.  I mean its not like Linda McMahon won the homosexual vote the last time she ran for Senate.

Okay, we get it. Breast Cancer. Shut up.

Okay, we get it. Breast Cancer. Shut up.

Here are some breast cancer survivors.  According to the Walking Dead Telltale Games video game you cannot trust cancer survivors because they will steal your boat and leave you for dead... kind of the way mixing political agendas and wrestling leaves me.  How come the WWE doesn't give prostate cancer any love?  What a bunch of misandrists they are.

 

Ryback and Heyman are up next and JBL puts over that Heyman’s life was saved by Ryback. Heyman starts talking about how Ryback makes him feel virile. Not sure if Heyman is gay now or if he uses the blue pill to get his junk hard.Heyman says this is an intimate moment in this progressive society and he wants an official commitment.

Ryback is about to feed Paul Heyman more... penis.

Ryback is about to feed Paul Heyman more... penis.


Heyman asks Ryback to become a Paul Heyman Guy and this is interrupted by CM Punk.  People are angry about this.  How dare they?  They’re intolerant.  And bigots.  And clearly they don’t like anything.  Punk tries to rush over the barricade and bangs his knee like a bitch on the wall on the way in injuring himself.  This turns out to be a possum play and Punk clocks Ryback and Axel and drops Axel with the GTS.  His knee was fine but the spot looked legitimate, and so kudos to them for a good trolling.  Up next are the Usos and Dolph Ziggler vs. the Shield in “the same match everyone has with the Shield, ever.”  I wish the Westminster Dog show was on.  The true "hounds of justice" are "that poodle the really old lady walks down in a straight line."

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The cops come take the Big Show away. Stephanie McMahon for some reason decides to rescue him. She then says his wife called and that she is not satisfied with him sexually. Okay, then. Of course he responds by crying.  Someone needs to make a Crying Big Show Titantron to the entrance theme of "Big Girls Don't Cry."  I'd do it but contrary to popular belief I have too much of a life to do so.

 

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WE… THE BREAST CANCER!  The Real Americans will have Antonio Cesaro take on Santino.  Great Khali and Hornswoggle are also here.  This is a joke. I’m glad it’s no longer taking Natalya down with it though.  Santino beats Cesaro because God hates you.  The show ends with a face-to-face with Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton that leads to Brie Bella crying about her fiance getting mauled and not a very convincing mauling at that because WWE is trying not to offend all the 67 year old titless women that are watching this month because of Komen.  I’m out of here.  You complain that I’m not being “positive enough” because you’re all a bunch of crybabies.  If you liked this, great.  If not that’s your problem because it is free and I chose to take the time to watch this crap and recap this crap for my own benefit.  Now if you’ll excuse me I have to take a massive dump which is probably more entertaining than this RAW has been.  

Don't worry, Zeb.  I feel this way watching RAW most of the time, too.

Don't worry, Zeb.  I feel this way watching RAW most of the time, too.